25 May 2011

inappropriate behaviour

It's true - I do not have good funeral behaviour.  They make me nervous and when I'm nervous I smile - and I laugh - and generally I look like this disrespectful ray of sunshine waiting in line to give the family my condolences.  The thing is I actually feel much empathy for them and am doing my best to keep my emotions in check.  It's the opposite when I'm angry as then I usually get frustrated and cry.  Perhaps I should try to pick a fight or call a customer service call centre before going in to a funeral to induce some tears....

I usually also do not have appropriate funeral attire - since I stopped working in the corporate world 4 years ago I don't actually own a pair of dress pants.  Usually I am fine with a skirt and blazer however in tonights monsoon and temperature drop there was no real appropriate foot wear as sandals were certainly out but I can't also bring myself to put on knee high boots a the end of May.  I know that tonight after leaving the funeral home I should have gone directly to The Gap and found myself this much needed staple.  Alas it is pouring rain and thunder & lightning kind of storming so getting out of the car again wasn't really on the top of my list.  

Not that people usually enjoy this part but it really freaks me out to go up to the casket - unless I actually loved the individual in there, it kinda creeps me out to see a dead person laying there.  I can't look at them - I usually kneel, close my eyes, say a prayer, sign of the cross and I'm up and away from the casket.  I do however always feel the need to pick up the condolence card as I need something to hold in my hands to keep from fidgeting - especially when I'm there on my own like this evening.  But then, I feel this immense (italian) guilt to hold on to the card - it feels sacrilegious to throw something like that out.  Inevitably I have a big box of these cards - not sure what I will ever do with them.   It's kind of the same as when someone gave me a Book of Mormon once trying to convert me (this was a going away to university gift from a work colleague) - I can't bring myself to get rid of it.  

I guess we all have something that makes us uncomfortable - I also always cry at weddings.  It doesn't even matter if I know you - I could be watching it on tv or in a park but I always cry.  I never did make a good bridesmaid either.... 

No comments:

Post a Comment