15 June 2011

Roots & Wings

Sometimes I feel like those words describe me to a tee.  I love home - the city I grew up in - but I love it because it's where my peeps are.  My bff's live here, my family, my roots.  However I knew at 18 that I didn't want to live here forever and so I moved to Ottawa to pursue my education and spread my wings.  I came home for a year to pursue a second degree in a fast track program after University and then I was off again to Toronto.  I worked there, met the man who would become my husband who then convinced me that if we were to marry, we'd need to live in the same city so home I went.  Lived there for 5 years and then the itch came again - time to spread the wings again.  We then hatched our plan to move to Finland and a year later we were off! So two years later...here I am, home again.  Back here where everyone knows me.  Where I have to rehash the fact my marriage didn't work to people everyday.  Where people are confused and ask me "didn't you move away? what are you doing back here?" And in my head I am often asking myself the same question! What AM I doing back here? 

Again, I love being back in my store and I love seeing all my friends whenever I want but that really isn't that often since everyone is busy with their own life, husbands, kids, jobs.  I like that I can walk over to my sisters or celebrate holidays with the family but....I don't know how to properly explain it.  I'm back to a place in my life where I'm single again, and I don't know that the dating pool here has any fish in it for me.  Everything reminds me of things I did with my husband so how does that help me move past things?  Like I said all (ok 99%) of my friends here are married with families or kids on the way and it just reminds me that what was my life is now so completely different.  I do love being an entrepreneur but it's really hard to do on your own and I'm tempted to go back corporate for the idea of a salary and benefits and not worrying about cash flow day in and day out. I'm not going to lie - this past weekend in Toronto really makes me think about where I want to be.  I'm not saying that I will go back (ie: mom don't have a heart attack if you are reading this) but it does stir the thoughts in my head.  Am I ready to settle back in to life here at home just because it's safe and it's what other people want me to do? Would moving back to the city be running away from the memories here or just a continuation of the life I wanted from many years back? Perhaps it's not the best time to make major choices in life as things are still so in flux but it is a good time to start thinking about them.  If I'm starting my life over, what do I want? I've learned from all of this that I have to think about me above all because I'm responsible for my happiness.  I've also learned not to compromise on certain things but that's a whole other story! 

So here I am at the crossroads....can I have roots and wings? 

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