Today would have been my seventh wedding anniversary. 1 year ago I was happily married. It's amazing how much can change in a short time. I am not the same woman that I was a year ago or seven years ago for that matter. I'm still happy but I'm stronger. I'm more aware. I'm living more in the moment and trying to focus on what really matters the most.
During class, our instructor guided us through the practice. Her words seemed to reach out and settle me. As we lay there in our first pose on our backs, eyes shut and soul opened she had us tense our arms, legs, shoulders and face as tight as we could and then, with an exhale, breathe out that tension. Feel the worry and the guilt leave your body. I realized then that I did feel guilty still - I felt guilt that my marriage failed and that I couldn't do anything to fix it. I said my vows with every intention that it was forever so to go back on those words, to walk away, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don't doubt that it was the correct thing to do for both T and I but it doesn't make it any easier. I know that it's over and I've made my peace with it actually. The only thing that I still dislike is the actual word. I didn't marry with the thought that I could divorce one day if it didn't work out - I went in to it for forever - feet, or rather heart, first. I don't want what has happened to me, to define me. I guess I have to keep working on letting that go but I know I'll get there.
So as we wait for our divorce to be final, I do go back to the part of me that truly believes people are meant to be in your life for a reason. I wonder truly what T was meant to teach me. That I'm strong enough to walk away - that my spirit is even stronger? Was I meant to learn that things aren't always what they seem? That even though the music inevitably ends, it's more important to have danced than never at all.
Seven years ago I said I do, because I did. I believed in forever and happily ever after and to be honest I still do. I know I am meant to be exactly where I am, in this moment.
Take a moment to focus on your blessings. I journal my blessings every night so I know, truly, that the good in my life by far outweighs any of the struggles. My family, my friends, my heath, my business - all keep me remembering just how blessed I am. I am thankful - very thankful.
This is my moment. It's time to move forward. To keep believing in love. To kick fear to the curb.