02 October 2011

Love trumps fear...

I began today with morning yoga.  I usually go for my long run Sunday morning so it was a variation in my schedule but it turned out to be exactly what I needed to do and where I needed to be.  It was that perfect, cool and sunny fall morning without a cloud in the sky.  Admittedly, I'm not very good at yoga as much as I try - I never seem to be able to shut off my brain and stay in the moment.  But today, I really focused and let myself just listen and breathe. 

Today would have been my seventh wedding anniversary. 1 year ago I was happily married.  It's amazing how much can change in a short time. I am not the same woman that I was a year ago or seven years ago for that matter.  I'm still happy but I'm stronger.  I'm more aware.  I'm living more in the moment and trying to focus on what really matters the most. 

During class, our instructor guided us through the practice.  Her words seemed to reach out and settle me.  As we lay there in our first pose on our backs, eyes shut and soul opened she had us tense our arms, legs, shoulders and face as tight as we could and then, with an exhale, breathe out that tension.  Feel the worry and the guilt leave your body.  I realized then that I did feel guilty still - I felt guilt that my marriage failed and that I couldn't do anything to fix it.  I said my vows with every intention that it was forever so to go back on those words, to walk away, was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I don't doubt that it was the correct thing to do for both T and I but it doesn't make it any easier.  I know that it's over and I've made my peace with it actually.  The only thing that I still dislike is the actual word. I didn't marry with the thought that I could divorce one day if it didn't work out - I went in to it for forever - feet, or rather heart, first.  I don't want what has happened to me, to define me. I guess I have to keep working on letting that go but I know I'll get there. 

Feel the strength of your body. My body doesn't feel strong right now.  My runners hips are pretty disabling lately, which has been discouraging at times.  I do know however that I've come in to my own strength this past year.  Since I started tracking my mileage in February I have run over 300 miles so far and I'll complete my second half marathon of the year this month.  I've toiled on the pilates reformer, I've spent hours at the ballet barre and I've let Jillian Michaels kick my sorry butt.  I am confident that my legs are strong enough to carry me through any trial. I know my strength runs deep and it is what gets me to believe that each moment happens to us for a reason and that we truly aren't given more trials than what we can handle. 

Focus on your breath.  Be in the moment.  Let go of the fear or the worry.  So an actor from a favourite Canadian TV show had a great message in his twitter profile and for some reason it has resonated with me. I'm not sure if it's a quote he's taken from elsewhere or just words he believes but they stuck with me when I read them.  "Love trumps fear every time". 

Right now this moment in my life is scary.  Starting over is always difficult but I've realized that sometimes what we define as fear is really just a mixture of excitement and anticipation.  I have a lot of fears starting over again.  I worry that the next person I fall in love with won't be honest.  I worry that I'll give my heart again to someone who won't cherish it as they should.  I worry that I'll choose wrong again. Can the prospect of love, and all the amazing things that come with it, really trump the fear? I can only hope that like the song The Dance, that the moment of heartache as something ends is worth all the amazing moments that led up to it. 

Shoulders back, head held high. Open up your heart. Opening your heart in yoga feels wonderful and freeing and strong.  I can only hope I will be able to open my heart again in the real world with my shoulders back and head high just as it was in today's practice.  I'm starting to feel ready but I know I've redefined what it is that I'm looking for and what I feel like I deserve and what I refuse to compromise on.  What I hope to find is simple really.  I want someone honest.  Someone who asks me how my day was or what the book I'm reading is about.  Someone who will rub my back and tell me a story on the rare occasion when I can't fall asleep.  I want someone who whole-heartedly loves their family and who wants to love mine. Someone confident, loving and respectful. I want him to thoroughly enjoy a Sunday morning of quietly sitting over coffee and sharing a newspaper for hours on end.  Someone I can trust with my heart. Someone who wouldn't walk away.   Someone who would never let me go.

Let go.  Grieve whatever it is that you have to say good-bye to.  Release it back to the world.  
Remember when you were a kid and you would scour the beach for those pieces of glass, smoothed out but the ebb & flow of the water washing them in and off of the beach day after day.   I'm hoping to be a piece of beach glass soon - smoother around the edges and even more wonderful after all this back and forth, ebb & flow, love & loss. 

So as we wait for our divorce to be final, I do go back to the part of me that truly believes people are meant to be in your life for a reason.  I wonder truly what T was meant to teach me.  That I'm strong enough to walk away - that my spirit is even stronger? Was I meant to learn that things aren't always what they seem? That even though the music inevitably ends, it's more important to have danced than never at all. 

Seven years ago I said I do, because I did.  I believed in forever and happily ever after and to be honest I still do.  I know I am meant to be exactly where I am, in this moment.  

Take a moment to focus on your blessings.  I journal my blessings every night so I know, truly, that the good in my life by far outweighs any of the struggles.  My family, my friends, my heath, my business - all keep me remembering just how blessed I am.  I am thankful - very thankful. 

This is my moment.  It's time to move forward.  To keep believing in love.  To kick fear to the curb.

1 comment:

  1. You got to know a wonderful extended family along the way! Maybe that's one of the reasons you met T??
    I'm glad to have had you, and always will have you, in our lives. I'm thankful that T brought you to us. Much love, and God bless you. K.