30 November 2011

the little things

Tonight ends a lovely combination mini-vacation/business trip up in Toronto. Although it is lovely to be living in the same city as family & friends again, being back here always reminds me how much I miss the city. There are just certain things about living in the city - like the art of Sunday brunch,  or weekends exploring unique neighbourhoods, finding new treasures of shops & restaurants and of course, the arts.  I love going to the theatre.  It's one of the things that T would refuse to join me on despite how much I enjoyed it.  It's been forever since I've been in a production but every time I step in to a theatre, no matter how large or small, I remember that feeling.  The anticipation getting in to character in the green room, or finding your mark on stage awaiting the lights to come up, or the moment that you are completely engrossed in this other identity... It's sort of the feeling I get at the start of a race - waiting (usually in the dark) at the starting line trying to find internal focus and feeling the pulse of excitement.

So today was the day to I set aside to spend with my favourite person...me! :) Actually I spent the morning with one of my lovely sales reps followed by a nice chat over lunch with her.  Then some solo afternoon roaming & shopping before I took myself for a wonderful dinner and then, to see Dying City.  As much as I enjoyed the "me-time", it would have been lovely to have had someone to sit and discuss this performance with afterwards.  As many who are close to me know, sometimes I struggle topics that include 9/11 and the war.  After being in NYC that fateful day, being there in that moment and seeing it firsthand, I carry a piece of that horror with me always.  Knowing that this play would touch on the topic made me go in with a bit of trepidation but it ended up that it was completely other moments in this play that caught me, hand to heart, wiping away tears. 

This Christopher Shin play not only starred two amazing Canadian actors but was also directed by a lovely man that I happened to be seated next to for the performance.  The location may have been small but the characters were larger than life and provoked some intense emotions leaving me wishing it wouldn't end.  In the manner of a truly great production, the characters left me wanting more.  Handsome and talented, Sergio Di Zio skillfully portrayed two of the main characters, jumping back and forth between personas and moments in time without any confusion as to which voice he was speaking from.  As "Peter" the brother seemingly lost in his grief, unsure of the boundary between himself and his sister-in-law and as "Craig" leaving to Iraq with his own internal war raging.  In the moment that Lesley Faulkner's character asks her husband if he loves her - the hurt by his lack of response and her raw emotion beating upon him drew tears. That instinctive moment when you are consumed in trying to make that person feel, to evoke some sort of emotional reaction when they seem to have shut down and your heart is shattering.  Or the moment that you learn horrible truths about the person that you love and your chest feels so heavy that you're unsure if you are breathing.  I wasn't expecting that. I have lived through that exact heartbreak.  It truly is a moment that I hope most people don't ever experience firsthand. 

Knowing that it was only an 80min production, there came a time when I knew it had to be wrapping up and I found myself wishing for just a bit more.  I feel sort of the same returning to my hotel room knowing that it's time to leave tomorrow.  When I am here, I feel like I'm meant to come back.  The only reason I ever left Toronto was to marry T and with that chapter closing, I have to admit I feel the draw to return to the city, to the vibrancy.  Perhaps it's the desire to start fresh when we move forward in to new adventures in our lives.  Like the character "Kelly" in tonight's play, sometimes peripheral changes such as packing up memories or painting walls are not enough to allow us to move forward.  Sometimes once we have finished grieving, whether that be the loss of an actual person or the dreams you have for your life, you need to allow the inner voice that speaks within you to guide you in moving forward.  

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written Linds! I hope you find a way to follow whatever dream is meant to be! Good luck on the journey. xoxo. kaisa