19 December 2014

Compromise vs Settling

Recently, over dinner (and a few glasses of wine) my cousin and I discussed the concept of compromise versus settling when it comes to allowing new people in to your life.  Both of us now re-entering the dating world after marriage, we often come across this dilemma when meeting someone new. I think perhaps one can't fully understand this concept unless you have dated later in life but I will do my best to elaborate.  

Dating in your 30's & 40's isn't simple - for the sheer fact that we all, at this point in our lives, have some sort of issues and/or baggage.  We are also adults who are relatively set in our ways. Finding someone to be in your life - either as a friend or as love - is more challenging because of this.  It's not a matter of finding the "perfect" someone as perhaps we once envisioned due to the acknowledgement that indeed none of us are perfect.  


I fully realize that I am not perfect.  The experiences that I have gone through in my life have rendered me this way and I honestly embrace that imperfection as it makes me who I am.  I come with scars and tender parts that have healed but are sensitive.  I have faltered & fallen but I've also grown and learned from every moment - from every new location I have lived in, from every happiness and from every heartache.  All of these experiences are what makes me "me".  I can only hope that people will see these imperfections and love me in spite of them and because of them.  

I don't expect perfection - I think that it's not an honest quality.  We are all human and we have quirks or issues.  We have parts of our lives that give us pause.  We suffer from memories & moments of great sadness where we have experienced loss.  We are eternally flawed and that is ok.  It's unrealistic to expect perfection - perhaps it is actually in our flaws & our scars that we find the qualities to relate to each other.


I find what people "want" for me is actually quite different than what I would like for myself which is another struggling point.  Sometimes getting people to understand that isn't easy.  Loved ones and friends still harbour quite a bit of anger and hatred toward my divorce which is frustrating to me.  Not to say that this isn't their experience, because I do think that everyone affected by these kinds of life changes needs to grieve it and deal with it.  That said, I did my fair share of therapy, soul searching and personal growth to get through that time in my life and I have come out of it a stronger, healthier version of myself.  To see those I love who refuse to let go saddens me because they harbour regret where I do not.  


Back to the topic at hand, I do think that there is a difference between compromise and settling.  For example,
there are certain things that I will no longer stand for - in any relationship - because I know that they aren't fair or respectful.  Being mean, being untruthful, living in a negative mindset - these are all things I cannot overlook.  But there are always areas that may not be perfect in the other where they can still grow or where we can be more accepting which by definition is compromise.  Settling would be knowing that you deserve more and deserve better but that you will accept it because you think it is better than nothing.  THAT is no way to live.

So often, people ask me what it is that I am looking for in a partner and are often surprised by the simplicity of my response.  There are lots of things that would be a "bonus" such as a beautiful home, nice car or a cottage on the lake but those are certainly not items I am searching for.  To me it's easy - I want someone who is nice.  Someone who asks me how my day was or who sends a simple text to let me know I was on their mind.  I want someone to go on adventures with and who makes me laugh.  I want someone who holds me a bit closer when I wake up from a nightmare and who wishes me sweet dreams before bed.  I want someone who is honest with their imperfections and are ok with them.  Someone who can see me for who I really am - quirks & scars and all and love me because of them.  Because they make me this pretty awesome (most of the time) person who is fair and loving and honest.  That is who I want to share my adventures with - someone who's imperfections fit perfectly with mine.

18 December 2014

the journey....

Meeting new people along their journey tends to make me feel introspective.  Or possibly it is simply the season that invokes my urge to reflect on how much has changed over the past few years.    The girl that returned to Canada just about 4 years ago was a completely different person than the woman I am now.  I am definitely a better, stronger version of my younger self and even with every bit of heartache I wouldn't change my path for a second.  

After all, now I know much more about how I want to spend each precious moment that I've been blessed with.  I know how I want to love and be loved.  I am confident in myself in ways that I would never have been without this experience. I am stronger because I have fallen & picked myself up. I am more whole because I was once broken. 

I meet people who are struggling with the part of moving on that is "letting go" and allowing others in. I once read that it's not the the grief of the situation but of letting go of the idea we have in our heads for how our lives should be that is hardest of all.  To admit defeat in the way of a relationship not working out or a job change or a move back home is difficult.  It's humbling in a way that, until you experience it, you simply can't appreciate it.   I remember that first god-awful date that I went on when I had to admit that I was "divorced" and how scared I always was to say that word to someone coming into my life.  They would know that I failed.  Would they question why? Was I a horrible wife? Would they want to be with me? What was "wrong" with me? 

But getting that word out was simply another step on the journey.  I've come to learn and accept that I am not "divorced".  I am single.  I was previously married.  But being divorced is not who I am.  This is what I struggled with most of all - how I defined myself now that I was starting over.  Certain life events do not "make" us - how we move on after those events are truly how we are defined.  It is simply about the journey.  

I know what I want out of life more so because I now know what I do not want. I feel like I am better at loving because of the fact that I have loved and lost.  I am more accepting of others and their journeys because I know that life isn't perfect and it doesn't always work out as we plan.  I'm more forgiving of people's faults because I have seen them in myself. 

It's interesting how certain experiences in our life make us appreciate that we all have our own challenges and our crosses to bear. All we can do as we walk this path is be kind to those around us, hold the hand of those who are struggling and accept that we are all on this journey together.  

16 September 2014

The magic of new beginnings....

First time signing on here in a while and I realize there are so many posts that have been started and never completed - thoughts in process I like to call them.  It's interesting to me how fall mimics the new year in some way - like the beginning of this season is another new beginning.  New "resolutions" of sorts, new schedules and a nesting back in to home life after a summer of fun and free for all.  Even though as adults we don't have "back to school" in the traditional sense, September brings us to these new perspectives on life.  

This weekend was difficult for me because I had to say farewell to a special person in my life.  My housemate & her hubbie moved out and up the 401 to the GTA.  For the past four years we have lived together in this home and shared so many life experiences.  Trust me when I say that our final goodbye was a lot of ugly crying and her husband pulling us apartThere is the logical part of me that knows it's not goodbye as they are only moving a few hours away and there will be plenty of visits both here and up there.  But it truly was for both of us, the end of a significant part in our lives.  

When I first left my husband for a trial separation and came back to Canada it was one of the hardest moves in my lifetime.  Until ones lives away from home and has that traveling spirit, it's hard to understand the feelings that are involved with returning.  When I left the city at 18 years old I never imagined moving back but then to move back from Europe and leave a marriage was akin to admitting defeat. When I came home I was broken and I wasn't ready to admit it to anyone of why I was really here.  I knew that I had to be sure I was ending my marriage before I admitted it to anyone.  Soph was the first one that I told the entire story to - every crazy, unimaginable detail.  She was there for me and listened to me.  When I was scared she comforted me and reassured me I was strong enough to weather this.  She helped me put the pieces back together and sort out where I wanted to go with this situation.  At any given moment I knew that she was there - she was just steps away if I needed her.  I can never repay her that debt.  And when she went through a break up of her own, I returned the favor.  I remember the moment that she met and fell in love with Hart.  Together, in this house, we have been through so much.  She is what made this address a home and vice versa.  

So Sunday evening as their truck pulled away and we said our tearful goodbyes we knew in our hearts that it was just the beginning of new great adventures but it was also the ending of our adventure here on Chilver.  It was, for me, the first time that I had actually been completely on my own since I left Tim.  I realized then that yes Soph was there to help me pick up the pieces but I had put them all back together on my own.  She may have held my hand but I was responsible for my own growth.  Together we made this a home.  From porch dwelling, to handing out candy on Halloween, to parties in the back yard and craft nights with the ladies.      

And so, it feels like now is the perfect time to move on and start fresh again.  Those tears that night were the final closure to that journey of coming home and healing and moving on.  This apartment has been good to me and has been a place of comfort and friendship.  I moved back with 1 chair and boxes of clothes & books.  This apartment is now full and I need to be open to more space.  If I want to allow someone new into my life, I need room for them.  If I'm ready for the next phase of my life then it's time for a new beginning and time to trust in the magic that it can bring.

24 May 2014

live gratefully



Sometimes on my runs I get lost in my own thoughts - today being no exception to that. I was pretty much awake at the crack of dawn so I was happy to get out on the trail before most of the city woke and had some time to myself. Admitedly I was going slower than normal today due to a bit of a late Friday night but it was definitely worth it.  Plus it is absolutely gorgeous out so I want to park myself on a patio or my porch as soon as I am done work today! 

This quote sums up the thoughts that were going through my head today.  So often we see people who are continually searching.  People who are never quite content with life as it - needing a newer car, a bigger home, a more prestigious title at work.  People who are single who stumble across someone that they can see forever with but are scared to take that leap and keep searching & dating when really their better half if right there in front of them.  People risk losing love or friendships because they don't take the time to cherish what they have.  Or people get wrapped up in certain aspects of their lives and let others slide that are truly too important to let go of.  We literally risk losing the moon because we are too busy counting the stars.  We keep looking at or for all these little things that are temporarily beautiful or exciting and we risk losing the big, important things in our lives that fill our heart.  

I was blessed to spend a few hours with 9 girlfriends last night - all of whom I have known since highschool and a few friends since elementary! Here we were this table of ten girls with completely different lives but held together with common threads of our past.  There were far too many laughs, great food, remembering of the past and talks of the future.  It warms my heart to know that after over 20 years I have not lost the "moon" of these friendships because it is sometimes so very hard to keep in touch.  We've lived together and lived apart - there have been marriages, children, divorce, cancer and yet here we all are.  Planning for future and relishing past memories. We are not defined by the home we live in or the car we drive but by the company we keep.  I think of this quote and I think of a few people who I do think are losing something or someone important to them simply because they keep searching for more rather than being happy.  People who aren't content with themselves so they keep searching for other people to validate them.  Those who push away those that love them simply because they fear never being chased again. Because they fear that if they allow someone to truly love them for who they are they open themselves up to be raw and potentially hurt and that is scary. Often that what makes it scary is what makes it worth it - like going into business for yourself, having babies, taking a leap of faith. It saddens me to think of the great relationships & life experiences that could be lost because of fear or because of low self esteem.  There is nothing more that I wish than for the people in my heart to be happy but I know I can't make them see what I see.  I can only keep them in my heart and in my prayers that one day they allow the good that they do deserve into their lives and see the stars but love the moon.  

So this gorgeous summery day lets all take a few moments to reflect on the big things in life that are most important - our family, our friends, love and relationships.  Let us never lose sight of our "moon" while looking at the stars.  Lets live in gratitude for all that we have.  xo

13 May 2014

closure


The last few days on this cleanse I have really taken the time to reflect on my life - on how far I have come over the past few years and on the lessons I learned from loving a narcissist & how you can compromise too much of your self for someone else. I've been spending my mornings writing in my journal and trying to just think through my life right now.  Not long ago a friend of mine told me that I am just too nice - which I'm not sure was a compliment.  It makes me wonder if that means I will be suspect of everyone walking all over me or taking advantage of my flexibility or generosity.  


I once told T that he had it good and easy when he divorced me - I listened to what he had to say about not wanting to be married and not wanting a family and how he just couldn't live this life.  Even his goodbye was a lie to me.  It wasn't that he didn't want that life - he didn't want that life with me anymore.  I didn't put up a fight - I'm not one for the dramatic - but ever the "accommodater" I asked if he wanted to work on it even though I knew it was done. And then, ever so logistical I booked a ticket home and walked away.  I went back months later to pack my belongings and on the day we officially seperated, we went for coffee after and that was it.  I wouldn't cry in front of him or anyone really.  I was determined to end this gracefully. I never yelled.  I never asked for anything.  I wished him the best and let him know he would always be in my heart and I walked away. 

I guess when you are in the middle of it you don't realize just how much of yourself you actually sacrificed.  I honestly thought that maybe it was too much at ask that my husband inquired how my day was when I asked him the same.  Or how I slouffed it off when he didn't follow through on things I asked of him because someone else always came first.  It was always about pleasing other people in the hopes of what they could do for him.  Everything was done to the extreme.  He would stay out till all hours of the night knowing that I was home worried and wouldn't care.  I was never top on his list if I really think about it.  There was always someone else.  And yet ironically I always felt safe in his arms and I still continued to try to keep the air calm so he wouldn't explode on me. 

Sometimes I worry that my independence will be too fierce for someone else to love me.  I wonder if the fact that I love freely and openly will get me into trouble in the future because it will be taken advantage of.  I worry about falling in love with another narcassist who will love me but will still lash out to retain control.  I went to yoga Wednesday night in hopes to clear some of these thoughts from my head and i realized that there was still a part of me tied to T because of the fear I gained after being with him.  I needed to let go of that fear and realize that I am enough on my ownI deserve the simplicity of "how was your day?" Yes I would love to share my life with someone and have a partner to start a family with and go on adventures with but in reality, I am enough on my own.  I am happy with who I am and I refuse to compromise that again for any man or anyone to be honest.  I don't want to be alone but if being with someone means sacrificing my own growth or means playing games that just aren't "me" then it's not worth it.  I knew at Wednesday's practice that I was gearing up to do something on Thursday to signify the end - the closure of it all.  Part of me felt as though it were freeing and a part of me felt sad in knowing that still after over three years I was just now letting go.  I hate that he "won" - that he got the family and life that I craved and he tossed away.  I hate that after everything and after all the bad that he did and turmoil he put me through, that I was still the one missing what I wanted.  But it was time - time to let it all go and declare it finally 100% done and move forward.  To rid myself of other bad relationships with people who were bringing negativity to my life instead of the positivity that I wanted.  There were tears in final shavasna because I was free - I was ready to take the next step and move forward with my life.  

Like I said before, this cleanse has been much more than just about food for me this year - it's nourishing the body, the heart and the soul.  Closing doors and opening others.  Forgiving my heart for loving the wrong people sometimes and realizing that everything is truly meant to grow us or teach us.   

05 May 2014

cleansing....

Here we are again at the Annual City Wide Cleanse - a week dedicated to cutting out the toxins from our food supply and participating in activities that support our whole well-being organized by Dr N - one of our cities great naturopaths.  As I go through vegan recipes and prepare shopping lists and meal plans, I think it's important to recognize that which nourishes us is not only the food that we consume but also our relationships and the energy we put into the universe. 

We so often get caught up in our every day life and the chaos of tasks & errands that sometimes the simplest things, and the things that require our greatest attention, pass us by.  One of the hardest tasks in life is to recognize when something no longer serves us or nourishes us.  There is a time we look at the people in our life whom we love so dearly and conciously have to decide if they continue to belong there.  A spring cleaning of our hearts for lack of a better analogy.

My philosophy has always been quite simple - to put positivity into the universe because "like attracts like".  That we have the opportunity every day to choose happiness or to choose to wallow.  We can pity ourselves for the hand we've been dealt or we can figure out the best way to play the hand.  Sometimes the biggest obstacle is not only having the courage to make changes in our life, but the wisdom to know when it's a lost cause.  There will be the toxic people in our lives that take advantage of our generosity and who will continue to look at the negative side of things no matter what.  There comes a point where for our own well-being, we have to decide to let go and stop trying to change them.  Our job is not to make anyone else "better" but to simply strive for our own betterment.  The hardest part is when we can see the good in those we care about who, for some reason or another, can't see it for themselves.  When all we want to do is reach out to them - to find the magic words we can say to help them see that light deep down.  

It's hard to love a narcissist (a blog post for another day) and it's hard to love someone who sees life as half-empty when you're a half-full kinda gal.  It's  hard to be friends with someone who continually puts themselves down and chooses anger & hatred over working through their issues.  I know people take advantage of the fact that I love too freely and forgive easily.  There have been times over the past few months where I have been struggling with letting these people go from my life because I DO love them but perhaps I need to love me more. These are all things I am asking the courage for to try to change as I take some time this month to retreat and reflect.  My goal at the end of this is to have found my way back to me - that me that I worked really hard to heal after T and my life exploded.  I need to nourish my body, my heart and my soul and to rid my world of toxins.  I need to trust that there is a reason for everything and that there is a plan and those meant to be in my heart will always remain there.  I need to get back in touch with my self and what I want and hope that those I see the best in, will one day see it for themselves. Sometimes you just have to let go and see what comes back to you.  Sometimes you have to ask for courage, strength and wisdom.  So with the spring days finally upon us I challenge you whomever is reading this, to take a few moments to yourself and look at your life and the people who love you.  Cut back on what no longer serves you or makes you smile - stop chasing things that may never be and look at who and what is already directly in front of you.  Choose happiness.  Feed your soul.        

15 April 2014

Boston Strong

I went for one of my first long runs of the season last weekend after a many-month long hiatus due to injury.  I was also breaking in new shoes to try to help with said injury.... One mile in and I thought I was going to gnaw off my own leg because the pain was unbearable.  It was like every muscle was so tight that I thought they could snap.  I literally had to fight back tears thinking that I had to give up again - that I was going to have to turn back and keep waiting.  After so many months of not being able to run, I felt defeated by my injuries and my own body.  

Sometimes as a runner, it's hard not to feel defeated.  Today marks a year since the bombings at the Boston Marathon.  Looking at articles and photographs of the progress and tenacity of those who were involved & injured gives new hope that we have come out of yet another senseless act of violence, stronger.  I took a moment today to read through my posts from this time last year - PRAYERS & CARE BEAR - remembering those feelings and dealing with my own pain and anxiety after 9/11. 


I do, wholeheartedly, believe that the moments in our lives are there for a reason.  The struggles, the pain, the questioning - they are all a part of growth and moving forward.  Sometimes it is the very converse of what makes us happy that allows for us to truly appreciate the good we have in our life.  We woke up to snow this morning and as much as no one wanted to see that it after finally feeling spring temperatures, it does remind us to take a moment to appreciate what makes us happy. 

Even this past week when talking with mon petit soeur V about her break-up, my advice was that even though tempted, not to erase photos or get rid of mementos because they are a part of her story.  The moments with K were happy ones for the most part and just because their chapter is over, she shouldn't erase that.  Those moments, those experiences, it's all a part of what has made her who she is.  And what has gotten her to this very moment to do exactly what she is meant to do and to love someone eventually who will never let her go. My big sisterly advice was to take it all and box it up and store it away - as I did - because one day she is going to have a daughter or niece who will feel like they are dying from a broken heart.  And she can pull that box of memories out and show them that she too knew great love & felt as they do but that, within herself, she found the strength to pick up, move on and be happy once again.  We are all stronger with every heart break and with every moment that causes us pause.  Within each of us, lies that invincible summer.

The runners, spectators and people of Boston are all stronger for the events of this past year.  There are many who suffered from this moment but have found a way to walk again, to run again and to look ahead.  I know after many challenges and sudden loss in my life, I find myself more inclined to appreciate every day. To be empathetic to others struggles and to appreciate every challenge, because with it comes learning and growth.  And to push through because sometimes it's just a matter of holding on and putting one foot in front of other.  I gave myself another mile during that tortuous run and found that after a good stretch in a church parking lot along Riverside Drive I eventually found my groove.  At the end I looked back and was grateful that I kept pushing - in the end of my time here in this crazy world I hope to look back and be just as grateful.  That with everything I have faced and with each heart break or struggle I have conquered, I have become stronger. Happier. Content.  Resiliency is not an easy thing to master and yet it lies within each of us.  Daily we have the choice to succumb to the negative or find the ray of hope to hold on to.  As a runner taking today to remember the tragedy in Boston just a short year ago is a reminder that everything can change in an instant.  Take a chance on something or someone.  Run, Live, Work, Love with all your heart.  

11 April 2014

10 things to do today to make you happy


For no real apparent reason, yesterday I wanted to pretty much punch someone in the face.  No one in particular and a bunch of people all at once.  Seems as though this girl may need a vacation in the near future because the littlest things were setting me off - things that normally wouldn't cause me a second glance. I'm blaming it on the full moon...

Even friends & loved ones were bothering the heck out of me - mainly by NOT doing anything.  People all wrapped up in their own worlds and not concerned about mine. And I do realize that I am one of those people that always loves more but sometimes that can lead to feel like you are being taken advantage of.  After living away for so many years, I am the one that reaches out more often, that apologizes even when not in the wrong just to clear the air.  The one that sends birthday cards to my friends kids in the mail and that remembers important dates, especially the ones where friends may need a little extra love.  I am an expert gift-giver and pride myself on listening and trying to always find that special something that will bring a smile to someone's face.  But sometimes that gets taken advantage of and probably not on purpose but because it's easy to do.  It's easy to get caught up in the hecticness of our day-to-day and it takes a lot to push me to the end of my rope but here I am dangling away! I don't really get mad - it's not in my character to stay angry but I do withdraw when someone pushes that final button.  Yesterday it was one of my best girls snapping at me that brought tears to my eyes - button pushed!! I will not EVER beg someone to a) simply be nice or b) want to spend time with me.  I will walk away and I will be fine and happy and you can be miserable.  We are so quick to snap at the people that we love the most because they are there and because often they are easier to ask forgiveness from.  But maybe we should all take a moment to be thankful for the people in our lives and even in the most hectic times, be grateful for all that we have.  If work is super busy - be grateful that we aren't struggling.  If we have a lot of social arrangements going on - be happy that we have so many people in our lives to do things with.  

As much as I love my businesses they do involve a lot of small talk and chit chat and people who aren't always the most pleasant to deal with.  I enjoy people but I also enjoy my own quiet time and when things overwhelm me (as they kinda are right now) I need to get some space.  Just a few days of not talking to people - reading, cooking, laying in the sunshine.... But while I scour the internet for cheap vacations I need something to tide me over today so I've come up with 10 things to do to make you (me) happy! If you can think of anything else I should add to the list feel free to comment.  

And please, no matter where you are or who you interact with today - be nice.  That simple.  Be reciprocal - ask someone how their day is when they ask you.  Reach out to a friend that you haven't spoken to in a while and make sure they are ok.  Don't judge someone because they are living their life differently than you are - everyone is fighting a different battle.  Try to just be happy with what you have - even if it's chaos because life is short and precious.  Don't take things for granted - especially the people that love you.  If you've been an asshole say you're sorry. 

  1. Download a song that you used to love in high school and play it really loud.  Sing along.  Make an ass out of yourself and just DANCE! 
  2. Pay it forward - find a chance to do something nice for someone else in your life without any expectation for anything in return.  Be selfless.
  3. Make a point to compliment 3 people you have contact with today - a little goes a long way.
  4. Reach out to an old friend - send them an email or even a text - something to let them know you are thinking of them and why they matter. 
  5. Sweat for at least 20 min - exercise, sex, whatever it takes to get your heart rate pumping and make you feel alive.  
  6. Have a good laugh - Go through old photos, watch a funny movie or visit the dog shaming website.  Do something of the like that will make you smile.  
  7. Write it out - make a list of 5 things you are grateful for today - can be as simple as enjoying sunshine on your way to work or for the food you have to put on your table. 
  8. Plan an adventure - big or small just play on the internet for an hour and plan an adventure that you'd like to do this year. 
  9. Say Thank You to someone - either someone you come in contact with today or reach out to someone who has done something nice for you in the past and just say Thanks.  Those two words go a long way. 
  10. Make a happy list - sounds silly and can be challenging but make a list of 100 things that make you happy.  Keep this list with you and when you have one of those "I want to slap you moments" refer to it :)

01 April 2014

timing is everything

So I found a few quotes to pass along to two very different friends both dealing with a break-up, specific to the issue of "timing".  They are certainly not alone in this conundrum - we have all been there at one time or another.  Sometimes things or people seem perfect - they fit in our lives, in our heart, in our families and we cannot help but look towards the future with them.  But as much as they "fit" or as happy as they make us,  if they are not ready or if they are at a different stage in their life then the only thing we can do is accept it and find a way to move forward.  I do realize that is easier said then done but as with most things in our life we are faced with the challenge to accept it or change it.  We ultimately have the choice to keep fighting for something but there are times that we must realize when it's an endless battle. 


Timing doesn't always have to reflect into the world of relationships - sometimes it is at work, a new job or a position that we think is "perfect" for us that gets awarded to someone else.  We have to trust that things do all happen for a reason and that they are beyond our control.  The only thing that we can control are our reactions to situations.  We, unfortunately, cannot control someone else's mind or heart or timing.  Some things are best left in the hands of fate and realizing that the paths of our life are meant to cross into others and sometimes the duration of time we spend together once meeting is longer or shorter than we would like but we have to keep moving along and see what is next.  Spring is upon us and it's the best time of the year to make the conscious choice to find happiness even with a broken heart.

Today feels BEAUTIFUL! The sun is out and the breeze is warm and it is crazily already April. There is promise in the air!!  It is time for the world to come alive again - when we all have the chance to rebuild and start again.  Time to clean up our hearts and take a moment to step into the sunshine and reflect.  It's rebirth and renewal - the heaviness of winter is behind us.  Though some moments seem like they will overwhelm us, spring allows us the breath of 'possibility'. We come out of hibernation and start to socialize again.  We start taking better care of our selves and rely less on comfort foods and bulky sweaters and move towards fresh options and the feeeling of sun on our skin.  It's amazing really, how if we choose to, we can find brightness in the world and apply it to our lives.  Though one of my friends made the choice to end her relationship, the other did not and was taken by surprise.  Both have broken hearts but I feel confident in telling them that they will heal and where the cracks are, there may be more trepedation but they will love again.  And again.  And again.  Sometimes new spring love is even better than cozy winter love because it brings new adventures and longer days on the porch.  It has promise and freshness to it! 

So maybe the timing isn't right for something in your life.... I know I am letting certain things go right now and as much as it pains me to do so, waking up this morning I feel ready to move forward and try something new.  I know that things happen and people arrive in our lives for a reason and they leave for a reason too.  I know I am the creator of my own happiness and I refuse to let anyone take that from me! I am giving back the negativity to anyone who brings it into my path - I refuse to engage it and instead I will find the positive alternative.  Sometimes that is the only choice we can make.  But the choice is ours.  

    

24 March 2014

untitled....


I've just realized that it's been months since I've published anything on here... I feel like there have probably been a hundred posts that have been started and yet nothing new put into the "universe".   It's hard to know where to start after so much time - I can't possibly catch up on every thought or moment or milestone that has occurred so perhaps I will just start with the here and now.  

Today's mantra is Keep Moving Forward.  I've shared this with a friend going through a break up and I've used it myself as I continue to re-organize my life.  And now I put it out there to the universe - to anyone reading this - because we are all faced with some sort of challenge, or something that is making us question things.  It's all part of the journey and the only thing that we can do is, in fact, keep moving forward.  Everything is day to day. We have to let go of yesterday's aggression & not worry about what is yet to come tomorrow and just live in the moment.  As anyone knows the past few years of my life have been times of change and of growth. That certainly was a factor in my writing sabbatical these past few months.  In honesty I have been writing but quietly, in my journal and for myself, in hopes to really be honest and affect change with my perspective for 2014.  It is my way to keep moving forward.  To keep growing and learning.  I've even made a vision board this year - utilizing the one I started last year and actually completing it ha ha.  I'm trying to look at my life with more of a "big-picture" focus rather than tunnel vision of living day-to-day.  

This post remains untitled because it's jumping around like my brain tends to do these days.  Untitled says a lot as well about where my heart is at.  And maybe that is why it's been hard to write and share - because I'm still thinking it through.  I need to get the thoughts organized for myself first before I can put them into the cyber world.  Or maybe it's because I'm keeping all the good juicy stuff for my book..... which I am determined to make a dent in this year (and yes it's on the vision board!).

I think once we have ever been hurt we tend to keep that part of us as far from others as possible out of protection.  I certainly have that sense of self-preservation down to a science but I am determined to still try to love freely.  I still believe in saying I Love You when you mean it because life is truly too short.  I have been lucky to have had love. To have known the comfort of falling asleep next to someone & the feeling of waking up safe in their arms and just feeling so blessed to have them to share the day with.  I will honest - sleeping alone sucks.  Waking up by yourself Christmas morning - sucks.  Having a nightmare and no one being there to comfort you - sucks.  Going to bed alone on your birthday - sucks.  All of these little moments that when in a relationship, you often take for granted.  No one really talks about them but they do, they suck and it's time we are honest about that.  

You know what else sucks? Getting used to all of the alone moments & to having the whole bed not just a "side" was hard for me.  And then once it all gets comfortable you are faced with letting someone new in, to start breaking down the barriers that have kept your heart in tact and protected over the past few months.  You start to get used to there being two toothbrushes by the sink and someone to cook dinner for who actually washes the dishes in return.  And then as swiftly as it came it, that is gone again too and having to get used to the "alone" again seems even harder this time.  Because before them, you were good.  You were solid on your own two feet and happy drinking a glass bottle of wine by yourself on the couch.  Now suddenly the couch seems empty where it used to feel full.  The quiet in the house that was calming is now deafening.  Your alone time feels really alone.  And you start to remember all those moments that do kinda suck about being single.  It's not honest if we don't acknowedge them.  I am content with myself as a person, as a business professional and in all my varied relationships (sister, daughter, friend etc) but if I am honest, sometimes that missing piece feels really god-damn huge.  And I don't say that to garner sympathy - part of the reason why it's  hard to write is because I dislike anyone feeling "sorry" for me in any way.  I'm not mad about it, I am acknowledging it and moving on from it.  We need to have those sucky times to appreciate when the good ones come along - it's all a part of it and learning from it is good.   

Putting yourself out there isn't easy - fuck defining what "out there" is, isn't even easy.  It's sometimes hard to remain optimistic.  Yes I am 100% comfortable and good on my own.  BUT.... I don't want to be alone.  I want someone to share inside jokes with and someone to go on crazy Sunday afternoon adventures with.  Someone to yell at the tv when hockey is on and someone to make dinner for.  

All your married friends get after you to date which is definitely easier said than done.  The dating world has changed significantly since before I was married - I mean we barely had email then let alone texting & sexting & facebook & facetime blah blah blah.  A few weeks ago I was going on a date that required me to let the suitor pick me up at home.  This seemingly tiny detail made me feel like I was going to shit my pants for days prior because I had not been on a date where I have to let someone come to my home, my safe zone, in fifteen years.  Yes, no need to re-read that line.  It had been 1999 the last time I can slightly remember being picked up for a date however that was my parents home so it's not even the same thing.  There is a safety net at "home" - this is MY space.  My alone-zone.  Now this person who seems nice but could really be an ax-murderer will know where I live.  Granted I guess the odds are probably in my favour that he isn't psycho but one never knows on a second date. Also a common myth to the married folk ... "having a first kiss is so exciting" Nope.  No way.  It's not fun at all. It's weird and it's awkward and I would much rather kiss someone that I've kissed 1000 times than kiss someone knew and start all over again. 


But I digress, it's back to moving forward.  It's all a part of the game we call life and we need the challenging parts along with the good ones.  We may find the man of our dreams and realize that they just aren't ready to be the man you see in them. Or we may find someone who takes a little longer to get to know.  We have to break down walls - ours & theirs - and we have to in fact keep moving forward.  It is really about the journey.  It's the changes that seem like they will break us that shape us and make us stronger.  It is the good dates along side the bad ones.  If there is one thing that I have perfected through all of this, it is to look within myself for peace and to know that every person along my journey is meant to be there.  And I am blessed beyond belief with good friends, family, my health, my businesses and there is so much of my story yet to be written.  And until then.... 

Keep. Moving. Forward.