24 March 2014

untitled....


I've just realized that it's been months since I've published anything on here... I feel like there have probably been a hundred posts that have been started and yet nothing new put into the "universe".   It's hard to know where to start after so much time - I can't possibly catch up on every thought or moment or milestone that has occurred so perhaps I will just start with the here and now.  

Today's mantra is Keep Moving Forward.  I've shared this with a friend going through a break up and I've used it myself as I continue to re-organize my life.  And now I put it out there to the universe - to anyone reading this - because we are all faced with some sort of challenge, or something that is making us question things.  It's all part of the journey and the only thing that we can do is, in fact, keep moving forward.  Everything is day to day. We have to let go of yesterday's aggression & not worry about what is yet to come tomorrow and just live in the moment.  As anyone knows the past few years of my life have been times of change and of growth. That certainly was a factor in my writing sabbatical these past few months.  In honesty I have been writing but quietly, in my journal and for myself, in hopes to really be honest and affect change with my perspective for 2014.  It is my way to keep moving forward.  To keep growing and learning.  I've even made a vision board this year - utilizing the one I started last year and actually completing it ha ha.  I'm trying to look at my life with more of a "big-picture" focus rather than tunnel vision of living day-to-day.  

This post remains untitled because it's jumping around like my brain tends to do these days.  Untitled says a lot as well about where my heart is at.  And maybe that is why it's been hard to write and share - because I'm still thinking it through.  I need to get the thoughts organized for myself first before I can put them into the cyber world.  Or maybe it's because I'm keeping all the good juicy stuff for my book..... which I am determined to make a dent in this year (and yes it's on the vision board!).

I think once we have ever been hurt we tend to keep that part of us as far from others as possible out of protection.  I certainly have that sense of self-preservation down to a science but I am determined to still try to love freely.  I still believe in saying I Love You when you mean it because life is truly too short.  I have been lucky to have had love. To have known the comfort of falling asleep next to someone & the feeling of waking up safe in their arms and just feeling so blessed to have them to share the day with.  I will honest - sleeping alone sucks.  Waking up by yourself Christmas morning - sucks.  Having a nightmare and no one being there to comfort you - sucks.  Going to bed alone on your birthday - sucks.  All of these little moments that when in a relationship, you often take for granted.  No one really talks about them but they do, they suck and it's time we are honest about that.  

You know what else sucks? Getting used to all of the alone moments & to having the whole bed not just a "side" was hard for me.  And then once it all gets comfortable you are faced with letting someone new in, to start breaking down the barriers that have kept your heart in tact and protected over the past few months.  You start to get used to there being two toothbrushes by the sink and someone to cook dinner for who actually washes the dishes in return.  And then as swiftly as it came it, that is gone again too and having to get used to the "alone" again seems even harder this time.  Because before them, you were good.  You were solid on your own two feet and happy drinking a glass bottle of wine by yourself on the couch.  Now suddenly the couch seems empty where it used to feel full.  The quiet in the house that was calming is now deafening.  Your alone time feels really alone.  And you start to remember all those moments that do kinda suck about being single.  It's not honest if we don't acknowedge them.  I am content with myself as a person, as a business professional and in all my varied relationships (sister, daughter, friend etc) but if I am honest, sometimes that missing piece feels really god-damn huge.  And I don't say that to garner sympathy - part of the reason why it's  hard to write is because I dislike anyone feeling "sorry" for me in any way.  I'm not mad about it, I am acknowledging it and moving on from it.  We need to have those sucky times to appreciate when the good ones come along - it's all a part of it and learning from it is good.   

Putting yourself out there isn't easy - fuck defining what "out there" is, isn't even easy.  It's sometimes hard to remain optimistic.  Yes I am 100% comfortable and good on my own.  BUT.... I don't want to be alone.  I want someone to share inside jokes with and someone to go on crazy Sunday afternoon adventures with.  Someone to yell at the tv when hockey is on and someone to make dinner for.  

All your married friends get after you to date which is definitely easier said than done.  The dating world has changed significantly since before I was married - I mean we barely had email then let alone texting & sexting & facebook & facetime blah blah blah.  A few weeks ago I was going on a date that required me to let the suitor pick me up at home.  This seemingly tiny detail made me feel like I was going to shit my pants for days prior because I had not been on a date where I have to let someone come to my home, my safe zone, in fifteen years.  Yes, no need to re-read that line.  It had been 1999 the last time I can slightly remember being picked up for a date however that was my parents home so it's not even the same thing.  There is a safety net at "home" - this is MY space.  My alone-zone.  Now this person who seems nice but could really be an ax-murderer will know where I live.  Granted I guess the odds are probably in my favour that he isn't psycho but one never knows on a second date. Also a common myth to the married folk ... "having a first kiss is so exciting" Nope.  No way.  It's not fun at all. It's weird and it's awkward and I would much rather kiss someone that I've kissed 1000 times than kiss someone knew and start all over again. 


But I digress, it's back to moving forward.  It's all a part of the game we call life and we need the challenging parts along with the good ones.  We may find the man of our dreams and realize that they just aren't ready to be the man you see in them. Or we may find someone who takes a little longer to get to know.  We have to break down walls - ours & theirs - and we have to in fact keep moving forward.  It is really about the journey.  It's the changes that seem like they will break us that shape us and make us stronger.  It is the good dates along side the bad ones.  If there is one thing that I have perfected through all of this, it is to look within myself for peace and to know that every person along my journey is meant to be there.  And I am blessed beyond belief with good friends, family, my health, my businesses and there is so much of my story yet to be written.  And until then.... 

Keep. Moving. Forward.