24 May 2014

live gratefully



Sometimes on my runs I get lost in my own thoughts - today being no exception to that. I was pretty much awake at the crack of dawn so I was happy to get out on the trail before most of the city woke and had some time to myself. Admitedly I was going slower than normal today due to a bit of a late Friday night but it was definitely worth it.  Plus it is absolutely gorgeous out so I want to park myself on a patio or my porch as soon as I am done work today! 

This quote sums up the thoughts that were going through my head today.  So often we see people who are continually searching.  People who are never quite content with life as it - needing a newer car, a bigger home, a more prestigious title at work.  People who are single who stumble across someone that they can see forever with but are scared to take that leap and keep searching & dating when really their better half if right there in front of them.  People risk losing love or friendships because they don't take the time to cherish what they have.  Or people get wrapped up in certain aspects of their lives and let others slide that are truly too important to let go of.  We literally risk losing the moon because we are too busy counting the stars.  We keep looking at or for all these little things that are temporarily beautiful or exciting and we risk losing the big, important things in our lives that fill our heart.  

I was blessed to spend a few hours with 9 girlfriends last night - all of whom I have known since highschool and a few friends since elementary! Here we were this table of ten girls with completely different lives but held together with common threads of our past.  There were far too many laughs, great food, remembering of the past and talks of the future.  It warms my heart to know that after over 20 years I have not lost the "moon" of these friendships because it is sometimes so very hard to keep in touch.  We've lived together and lived apart - there have been marriages, children, divorce, cancer and yet here we all are.  Planning for future and relishing past memories. We are not defined by the home we live in or the car we drive but by the company we keep.  I think of this quote and I think of a few people who I do think are losing something or someone important to them simply because they keep searching for more rather than being happy.  People who aren't content with themselves so they keep searching for other people to validate them.  Those who push away those that love them simply because they fear never being chased again. Because they fear that if they allow someone to truly love them for who they are they open themselves up to be raw and potentially hurt and that is scary. Often that what makes it scary is what makes it worth it - like going into business for yourself, having babies, taking a leap of faith. It saddens me to think of the great relationships & life experiences that could be lost because of fear or because of low self esteem.  There is nothing more that I wish than for the people in my heart to be happy but I know I can't make them see what I see.  I can only keep them in my heart and in my prayers that one day they allow the good that they do deserve into their lives and see the stars but love the moon.  

So this gorgeous summery day lets all take a few moments to reflect on the big things in life that are most important - our family, our friends, love and relationships.  Let us never lose sight of our "moon" while looking at the stars.  Lets live in gratitude for all that we have.  xo

13 May 2014

closure


The last few days on this cleanse I have really taken the time to reflect on my life - on how far I have come over the past few years and on the lessons I learned from loving a narcissist & how you can compromise too much of your self for someone else. I've been spending my mornings writing in my journal and trying to just think through my life right now.  Not long ago a friend of mine told me that I am just too nice - which I'm not sure was a compliment.  It makes me wonder if that means I will be suspect of everyone walking all over me or taking advantage of my flexibility or generosity.  


I once told T that he had it good and easy when he divorced me - I listened to what he had to say about not wanting to be married and not wanting a family and how he just couldn't live this life.  Even his goodbye was a lie to me.  It wasn't that he didn't want that life - he didn't want that life with me anymore.  I didn't put up a fight - I'm not one for the dramatic - but ever the "accommodater" I asked if he wanted to work on it even though I knew it was done. And then, ever so logistical I booked a ticket home and walked away.  I went back months later to pack my belongings and on the day we officially seperated, we went for coffee after and that was it.  I wouldn't cry in front of him or anyone really.  I was determined to end this gracefully. I never yelled.  I never asked for anything.  I wished him the best and let him know he would always be in my heart and I walked away. 

I guess when you are in the middle of it you don't realize just how much of yourself you actually sacrificed.  I honestly thought that maybe it was too much at ask that my husband inquired how my day was when I asked him the same.  Or how I slouffed it off when he didn't follow through on things I asked of him because someone else always came first.  It was always about pleasing other people in the hopes of what they could do for him.  Everything was done to the extreme.  He would stay out till all hours of the night knowing that I was home worried and wouldn't care.  I was never top on his list if I really think about it.  There was always someone else.  And yet ironically I always felt safe in his arms and I still continued to try to keep the air calm so he wouldn't explode on me. 

Sometimes I worry that my independence will be too fierce for someone else to love me.  I wonder if the fact that I love freely and openly will get me into trouble in the future because it will be taken advantage of.  I worry about falling in love with another narcassist who will love me but will still lash out to retain control.  I went to yoga Wednesday night in hopes to clear some of these thoughts from my head and i realized that there was still a part of me tied to T because of the fear I gained after being with him.  I needed to let go of that fear and realize that I am enough on my ownI deserve the simplicity of "how was your day?" Yes I would love to share my life with someone and have a partner to start a family with and go on adventures with but in reality, I am enough on my own.  I am happy with who I am and I refuse to compromise that again for any man or anyone to be honest.  I don't want to be alone but if being with someone means sacrificing my own growth or means playing games that just aren't "me" then it's not worth it.  I knew at Wednesday's practice that I was gearing up to do something on Thursday to signify the end - the closure of it all.  Part of me felt as though it were freeing and a part of me felt sad in knowing that still after over three years I was just now letting go.  I hate that he "won" - that he got the family and life that I craved and he tossed away.  I hate that after everything and after all the bad that he did and turmoil he put me through, that I was still the one missing what I wanted.  But it was time - time to let it all go and declare it finally 100% done and move forward.  To rid myself of other bad relationships with people who were bringing negativity to my life instead of the positivity that I wanted.  There were tears in final shavasna because I was free - I was ready to take the next step and move forward with my life.  

Like I said before, this cleanse has been much more than just about food for me this year - it's nourishing the body, the heart and the soul.  Closing doors and opening others.  Forgiving my heart for loving the wrong people sometimes and realizing that everything is truly meant to grow us or teach us.   

05 May 2014

cleansing....

Here we are again at the Annual City Wide Cleanse - a week dedicated to cutting out the toxins from our food supply and participating in activities that support our whole well-being organized by Dr N - one of our cities great naturopaths.  As I go through vegan recipes and prepare shopping lists and meal plans, I think it's important to recognize that which nourishes us is not only the food that we consume but also our relationships and the energy we put into the universe. 

We so often get caught up in our every day life and the chaos of tasks & errands that sometimes the simplest things, and the things that require our greatest attention, pass us by.  One of the hardest tasks in life is to recognize when something no longer serves us or nourishes us.  There is a time we look at the people in our life whom we love so dearly and conciously have to decide if they continue to belong there.  A spring cleaning of our hearts for lack of a better analogy.

My philosophy has always been quite simple - to put positivity into the universe because "like attracts like".  That we have the opportunity every day to choose happiness or to choose to wallow.  We can pity ourselves for the hand we've been dealt or we can figure out the best way to play the hand.  Sometimes the biggest obstacle is not only having the courage to make changes in our life, but the wisdom to know when it's a lost cause.  There will be the toxic people in our lives that take advantage of our generosity and who will continue to look at the negative side of things no matter what.  There comes a point where for our own well-being, we have to decide to let go and stop trying to change them.  Our job is not to make anyone else "better" but to simply strive for our own betterment.  The hardest part is when we can see the good in those we care about who, for some reason or another, can't see it for themselves.  When all we want to do is reach out to them - to find the magic words we can say to help them see that light deep down.  

It's hard to love a narcissist (a blog post for another day) and it's hard to love someone who sees life as half-empty when you're a half-full kinda gal.  It's  hard to be friends with someone who continually puts themselves down and chooses anger & hatred over working through their issues.  I know people take advantage of the fact that I love too freely and forgive easily.  There have been times over the past few months where I have been struggling with letting these people go from my life because I DO love them but perhaps I need to love me more. These are all things I am asking the courage for to try to change as I take some time this month to retreat and reflect.  My goal at the end of this is to have found my way back to me - that me that I worked really hard to heal after T and my life exploded.  I need to nourish my body, my heart and my soul and to rid my world of toxins.  I need to trust that there is a reason for everything and that there is a plan and those meant to be in my heart will always remain there.  I need to get back in touch with my self and what I want and hope that those I see the best in, will one day see it for themselves. Sometimes you just have to let go and see what comes back to you.  Sometimes you have to ask for courage, strength and wisdom.  So with the spring days finally upon us I challenge you whomever is reading this, to take a few moments to yourself and look at your life and the people who love you.  Cut back on what no longer serves you or makes you smile - stop chasing things that may never be and look at who and what is already directly in front of you.  Choose happiness.  Feed your soul.