13 May 2014
The last few days on this cleanse I have really taken the time to reflect on my life - on how far I have come over the past few years and on the lessons I learned from loving a narcissist & how you can compromise too much of your self for someone else. I've been spending my mornings writing in my journal and trying to just think through my life right now. Not long ago a friend of mine told me that I am just too nice - which I'm not sure was a compliment. It makes me wonder if that means I will be suspect of everyone walking all over me or taking advantage of my flexibility or generosity.
I once told T that he had it good and easy when he divorced me - I listened to what he had to say about not wanting to be married and not wanting a family and how he just couldn't live this life. Even his goodbye was a lie to me. It wasn't that he didn't want that life - he didn't want that life with me anymore. I didn't put up a fight - I'm not one for the dramatic - but ever the "accommodater" I asked if he wanted to work on it even though I knew it was done. And then, ever so logistical I booked a ticket home and walked away. I went back months later to pack my belongings and on the day we officially seperated, we went for coffee after and that was it. I wouldn't cry in front of him or anyone really. I was determined to end this gracefully. I never yelled. I never asked for anything. I wished him the best and let him know he would always be in my heart and I walked away.
I guess when you are in the middle of it you don't realize just how much of yourself you actually sacrificed. I honestly thought that maybe it was too much at ask that my husband inquired how my day was when I asked him the same. Or how I slouffed it off when he didn't follow through on things I asked of him because someone else always came first. It was always about pleasing other people in the hopes of what they could do for him. Everything was done to the extreme. He would stay out till all hours of the night knowing that I was home worried and wouldn't care. I was never top on his list if I really think about it. There was always someone else. And yet ironically I always felt safe in his arms and I still continued to try to keep the air calm so he wouldn't explode on me.
Sometimes I worry that my independence will be too fierce for someone else to love me. I wonder if the fact that I love freely and openly will get me into trouble in the future because it will be taken advantage of. I worry about falling in love with another narcassist who will love me but will still lash out to retain control. I went to yoga Wednesday night in hopes to clear some of these thoughts from my head and i realized that there was still a part of me tied to T because of the fear I gained after being with him. I needed to let go of that fear and realize that I am enough on my own. I deserve the simplicity of "how was your day?" Yes I would love to share my life with someone and have a partner to start a family with and go on adventures with but in reality, I am enough on my own. I am happy with who I am and I refuse to compromise that again for any man or anyone to be honest. I don't want to be alone but if being with someone means sacrificing my own growth or means playing games that just aren't "me" then it's not worth it. I knew at Wednesday's practice that I was gearing up to do something on Thursday to signify the end - the closure of it all. Part of me felt as though it were freeing and a part of me felt sad in knowing that still after over three years I was just now letting go. I hate that he "won" - that he got the family and life that I craved and he tossed away. I hate that after everything and after all the bad that he did and turmoil he put me through, that I was still the one missing what I wanted. But it was time - time to let it all go and declare it finally 100% done and move forward. To rid myself of other bad relationships with people who were bringing negativity to my life instead of the positivity that I wanted. There were tears in final shavasna because I was free - I was ready to take the next step and move forward with my life.
Like I said before, this cleanse has been much more than just about food for me this year - it's nourishing the body, the heart and the soul. Closing doors and opening others. Forgiving my heart for loving the wrong people sometimes and realizing that everything is truly meant to grow us or teach us.