16 September 2014

The magic of new beginnings....

First time signing on here in a while and I realize there are so many posts that have been started and never completed - thoughts in process I like to call them.  It's interesting to me how fall mimics the new year in some way - like the beginning of this season is another new beginning.  New "resolutions" of sorts, new schedules and a nesting back in to home life after a summer of fun and free for all.  Even though as adults we don't have "back to school" in the traditional sense, September brings us to these new perspectives on life.  

This weekend was difficult for me because I had to say farewell to a special person in my life.  My housemate & her hubbie moved out and up the 401 to the GTA.  For the past four years we have lived together in this home and shared so many life experiences.  Trust me when I say that our final goodbye was a lot of ugly crying and her husband pulling us apartThere is the logical part of me that knows it's not goodbye as they are only moving a few hours away and there will be plenty of visits both here and up there.  But it truly was for both of us, the end of a significant part in our lives.  

When I first left my husband for a trial separation and came back to Canada it was one of the hardest moves in my lifetime.  Until ones lives away from home and has that traveling spirit, it's hard to understand the feelings that are involved with returning.  When I left the city at 18 years old I never imagined moving back but then to move back from Europe and leave a marriage was akin to admitting defeat. When I came home I was broken and I wasn't ready to admit it to anyone of why I was really here.  I knew that I had to be sure I was ending my marriage before I admitted it to anyone.  Soph was the first one that I told the entire story to - every crazy, unimaginable detail.  She was there for me and listened to me.  When I was scared she comforted me and reassured me I was strong enough to weather this.  She helped me put the pieces back together and sort out where I wanted to go with this situation.  At any given moment I knew that she was there - she was just steps away if I needed her.  I can never repay her that debt.  And when she went through a break up of her own, I returned the favor.  I remember the moment that she met and fell in love with Hart.  Together, in this house, we have been through so much.  She is what made this address a home and vice versa.  

So Sunday evening as their truck pulled away and we said our tearful goodbyes we knew in our hearts that it was just the beginning of new great adventures but it was also the ending of our adventure here on Chilver.  It was, for me, the first time that I had actually been completely on my own since I left Tim.  I realized then that yes Soph was there to help me pick up the pieces but I had put them all back together on my own.  She may have held my hand but I was responsible for my own growth.  Together we made this a home.  From porch dwelling, to handing out candy on Halloween, to parties in the back yard and craft nights with the ladies.      

And so, it feels like now is the perfect time to move on and start fresh again.  Those tears that night were the final closure to that journey of coming home and healing and moving on.  This apartment has been good to me and has been a place of comfort and friendship.  I moved back with 1 chair and boxes of clothes & books.  This apartment is now full and I need to be open to more space.  If I want to allow someone new into my life, I need room for them.  If I'm ready for the next phase of my life then it's time for a new beginning and time to trust in the magic that it can bring.