27 March 2015

2015 - dedications and intentions....

Almost 3 months later I realize I never hit Publish on this post lol - quite indicative of my thought process these days.... I still find it relative so I'm going to publish it now. Better late than never.  

I began this post a few days ago after cruising around Pinterest but then I was invited to ditch work and go for lunch & afternoon naps so .... needless to say I didn't finish this baby.  I find the days around the New Year are so full of emotion - contemplation & reflection on the past days and intentions for the year ahead.  I'm no exception to this rule.  

The last week of 2014 I spent pushing myself in moksha practice as well as reading through old posts on here and writing both in my own journal and my tradition of New Years Notes

I'm dedicating 2015 to the written word.  I want to get lost in a good book and my comfy brown chair.  I want to reflect on quotes and inspirations of great writers as well as putting serious effort into my own written word. Those books that have been started for ages need to be edited and refocused.  I want to be published this year - whether that be an article or heck a whole collection of things - I want my words to be my voice.  

The end of 2014 was a lot of letting go again for me.  I found myself in a similar head space to where I was 3 years ago when I received my notice of divorce.  It's interesting how sometimes these life changes are what drives us to realign our dreams.  We come back to ourselves and look inwards to what makes us tick.  Our lives are a constant journey of change and though hopefully always for the better, there are times that we fall into old ways.  Some of the promises I made to myself after T & I seperated I went back on and I've come to now realize that. 
One of the moksha class intentions last week was to focus on our breath and letting go on each exhale.  Cleanse ourselves of that which weighs us down - to allow ourselves to come into the new year without holding on to toxic thoughts or toxic people in our lives.  And then I saw this quote and reading it a few times, I realized how much it really is true.  We meet all sorts of people along our route and each one of them is for a reason.  We don't only learn from every positive experience but from every heartache as well. 

Ending a friendship is never an easy thing to do - sometimes I feel like that sort of "break-up" is more difficult than a love relationship because that person shares so much of your heart.  As the new year approaches I feel like I need to re-evaluate certain relationships to know whether in fact they are building me up or tearing me down.  A new year is full of possibility and there are just certain people in my life who aren't moving forward and who bring a toxicity to my world that I don't want to engage.  It doesn't mean that I don't love them or that I'm not crushed by the fact that our relationship is at this point but I have to take of myself over anyone else.  

It's the part I missed most when T & I broke up - I missed my best friend.  He was the person that for so many years I told everything to - that I shared all my fears and my joys.   He was the one that made me laugh.  Looking back at it the love may have ended long before the relationship but what held us together was that friendship.  But even friendships can be toxic - they can be abusive and hurtful because one of the parties is struggling.  That is when that person that once built you up begins to tear you apart.  

I learned alot about myself after my marriage ended - I will always be thankful for the time I devoted to myself to heal and learn.  I met a few great people and got more complacent about my life because I felt like I was healed and normal - I didn't spend as much time reflecting as I probably should have.  And here I am again.... It's time to move forward.  It's time to be grateful for those people in my life who love me for who I am which may not always be pretty, but it's always genuine.