15 July 2015

crossroads .....

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts.  

Dan's yoga classes are usually challenging.  The flow is quick and the beats are steady.  His adjustments usually bring poses to be deeper and more work.  The music always goes with cadence of the class.  And usually in final shavasna for some reason I cry.  I don't know if it's just that we are in sync with our intentions or that laying there with our selves open which allows for us to be vulnerable.  

Last night was no exception.  The intention was to hold someone in our hearts that we have lost connection with.  To send our practice outwards to them in hopes to find that connection once again.  To allow ourselves to think of reaching out.  It didn't take me a moment to know who I would send my practice to though it was sad thinking that as much as I missed her, that it was probable that she was fine without me.  But maybe I just needed that moment to accept that her time in my life was all that it was meant to be.  People aren't always forever - sometimes it's just hard to remember that. 

Finding out that someone you once loved has tarnished your image to others as a way of building up themselves hurts to know.  Hurts more almost to know that people you loved would actually believe the lies.  But I am trying to let go and remember that I can only control my actions.  It's not worth the negative reaction to try to combat the lies.  I have to believe that in the end the truth surfaces and that what is meant to be will be.  

I get it, when ego comes into play - people get hurt when they feel rejected which is understandable. I want to just clear the air and tell the truth but people need to be open to hearing the truth and unfortunately I don't think it's the case this time.  I sometimes think people believe what they want to because it's easier.  
Sometimes I find myself reciting the Serenity Prayer over and over to calm me when anxiety sets in.  This is also usually when I take some time to myself on my yoga mat. Sometimes I just repeat it over and over hoping that it will eventually sink in and help me let go. Last night it was during the second last post of reclined cobbler - the room was dark and everyone's breath was starting to sync quietly.  Hand on hip and hand on heart I repeated to myself this mantra: Strong body, Grateful Spirit, Open Heart.  Then variations of the three: Strong body, Strong spirit, strong heart.  Grateful body, grateful spirit, grateful heart etc.  Over and over again these ran through my head, remembering that this past hour of pushing my body and my mind was just a small part of the gratitude that I have for my own health and my own strength.  These thoughts, coupled with Dan's playlist just brought out the tears.  Luckily the amount of sweat generated in hot yoga hides the tears pretty well!

I suppose we are always at a crossroads in a way - people coming in and out of our lives, fluidly moving through life with constant change.  It's hardest to accept that some aren't meant to be there forever but that doesn't mean that we can't carry them in our hearts.  I sent my practice out to this friend I have been missing knowing that even if the feeling wasn't mutual, that she would be a part of me in the ways that her presence impacted me.  Taking that hour to myself reminded me that in the end, it really is just me.  That I do fly by my own wings and that is enough.  I was grateful to have given myself that hour to practice because in the end it brought me back to a place I needed to visit.  It brought me to the mantra that calmed me and released me.  Every ending is a beginning.  Every experience a lesson.  Every good bye a chance for a new hello.  

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