15 August 2015

hand on heart

One of the things I love best about Dan's Moksha Flow is the second last pose Reclined Cobbler.  You are physically spent and usually so sweaty that my toe skin is actually pruney (like I've been sitting in the tub too long pruney).  He always instructs to place one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart.  It's a good way to connect and I find myself usually mediating the same mantra over and over to myself.  Strong body, strong spirit, strong heart.  Grateful body, grateful spirit, grateful heart.

It is in those moments that I try to take stock of all the things I am grateful for.  Happy that I gave myself that hour or that 90min to challenge myself, to grow stronger and to do something just for me.  I find that more and more we are wishing for things and not necesssarily taking the time to just be grateful for what we do have.  We look around at what others have or what others are doing and wish for that experience or covet something that they possess.  This quote sums it up - it's about taking that quiet moment and realizing what is most important and it's the love in our life.  Family, friends, romance - all types of love.  We spend so much time feeling unfulfilled or "waiting" for what is next rather than living right here in the moment.  

I find it with retail as I am already going through my Christmas items in August to make sure that I have what I need for the busy season.  I see it already hitting the shelves in stores however I can't bring myself to put it out just yet.  It's 90degrees and a heat advisory today - I feel like I may have a stroke putting out something related to the winter months! Why are we always looking ahead? Why are we wishing and wanting for what is coming next and forgetting to live in the moment.  Yes there are 18 Fridays until Christmas but there are 5 Fridays until Autumn so stop rushing! Soon there will be cool days and then snow and we will want this hot humid weather back and start to look ahead yet again.  Enjoy this moment.  Enjoy all the moments IN the moment.  Remember what is important to us and be grateful and joyful for all of it.  Take a moment to lay back and put your hand to your heart and just listen to it.  Recite to yourself what you are thankful for and be just there.  Stop rushing forward.  Doddle a little bit...... 

04 August 2015

anticipation

So I needed to follow up my last post which was written in anticipation however the moment I arrived at the party and saw Katie unloading her crew from the van and the girls vying to hold "miss Lindsay's" hand to cross the street I was happy.  Walking into that back yard and feeling absolutely comfortable is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  

Friends for close to 25 years now - that is just crazy.  There really hasn't been a moment in our lives that we haven't shared all together.  First dates, first loves, graduations, careers, marriages, babies, divorces.... the list is infinite.  Knowing that you can just walk into someone's home and feel as though it is your own.  The husbands that pick up the sangria pitcher and ensure all of us have a full glass.  The kids that snuggle in between you to grab a chip or find a place on your lap.  So much laughing that my stomach hurt and talking incessently that I lost my voice.  Planning trips for our next milestone birthday.  Remembering trips of the past.  Rehashing years of friendship in one night.  

It was a night of great food, laughter, love, acceptance and much more that I even have words to describe. Watching the kids play all together while us adults talked and reminisced was peaceful in a way that only loud chaos between friends can be.  It's that moment that you realize we are family.  I can only hope that this next generation is blessed with the same kind of love.

I am grateful.  Very, very grateful.   

  

01 August 2015

wanting gratitude

Gratitude isn't always easy.  Sometimes you have to search a little deeper for it when life seems to be following a different path.  I want to be grateful every day. Some days it's harder than others.  Some days I struggle with finding it

I have an abundance of things and people to be grateful for.  Which I guess makes me feel guilty on those "kinda feeling sorry for myself" days.  Not quite bad enough to open the jar of icing but just kinda blue and moody.  Maybe it's the full moon.  Maybe it's my period.  Who knows.  Today is one of those days. 

I've never really learned to "play the game" - or maybe I have learned but I don't enjoy it.  I have a tendancy to go after what I want.  I'm not sure if this is a positive or a negative sometimes.  I don't like to beat around the bushI've learned that I never am quite satisfied with the answer if I don't ask the question out right.  If I want to see you or if I want to talk to you I will reach out.  I don't pay attention to "who texted who" last or the right amount of time between dates blah blah.  It's the thing with dating in my 30's - who's got the time to beat around the bush?

I'm currently both excited about and dreading going to a giant friends BBQ this afternoon.  It happens this weekend every year where it's everyone from high school with their significant others and their families. And me.  Just me. These are the times I get mad at Tim.  There is absolutely no part of me that still wishes we were together - I do 100% know that it was completely what needed to happen.  But there are parts of me that just get super f'ing jealous that everyone else has the life I would like.  There is a pool full of kidsBoys around the bbq.  Girls everywhere else talking mainly about their kids whom I do love dearly.  And me.  I filter through all the areas.  Fun Aunt Lindsay in the pool.  Chat with the hubbies, entertain the married folk with dating horror stories.... 

Now I know there will be the onslaught of questions about who am I dating - or who am I not dating.  Why aren't I online dating? Dating must be so exciting! Maybe I need to not be so picky.  Or the ever so popular "Oh you wish you had this" when one of the kids are crying... Yes. Yes I do.  Are you telling me you are willing to give all of your life up because your kid is wailing? Do you not think that I have a realistic perspective that life is not all rosey and sunshine? It's like when Tim and I were going through fertility treatments and people would say "are you sure you want this?" when someone was being bratty and I wanted to scream. "No, I'm injecting myself daily with hormones that are turning me into Atilla the Hun because I'm not sure that I want a baby. What? Babies CRY? Forget it." No assholes I would give anything to have a screaming, crying, snot nosed baby. Obs. 

So here we are... packing up to go over to Jens and feeling just slightly emo.  Like to the point I'm trying to figure out when most children will be going home to bed because that will likely be the end of the party.  Today I want to be grateful to have these amazing friendships 20+ years and counting.  I want to be grateful that they have all found true love.  I want to be grateful that everyone has been blessed with children who are happy and healthy. I want to not be jealous every single second of this bbq. I guess there was a part of me earlier this summer that saw the prospect of bringing someone along to this event and it just hasn't materialized.  Maybe that is what is bugging me the most. That here we are, another year later and I'm in the same spot.       
    
Please don't get me wrong - deep down I truly am grateful.  Today is just one of those days where I really feel divorced.  Gimme a drink.  Gimme an hour.  I'll be back to myself....