01 August 2015

wanting gratitude

Gratitude isn't always easy.  Sometimes you have to search a little deeper for it when life seems to be following a different path.  I want to be grateful every day. Some days it's harder than others.  Some days I struggle with finding it

I have an abundance of things and people to be grateful for.  Which I guess makes me feel guilty on those "kinda feeling sorry for myself" days.  Not quite bad enough to open the jar of icing but just kinda blue and moody.  Maybe it's the full moon.  Maybe it's my period.  Who knows.  Today is one of those days. 

I've never really learned to "play the game" - or maybe I have learned but I don't enjoy it.  I have a tendancy to go after what I want.  I'm not sure if this is a positive or a negative sometimes.  I don't like to beat around the bushI've learned that I never am quite satisfied with the answer if I don't ask the question out right.  If I want to see you or if I want to talk to you I will reach out.  I don't pay attention to "who texted who" last or the right amount of time between dates blah blah.  It's the thing with dating in my 30's - who's got the time to beat around the bush?

I'm currently both excited about and dreading going to a giant friends BBQ this afternoon.  It happens this weekend every year where it's everyone from high school with their significant others and their families. And me.  Just me. These are the times I get mad at Tim.  There is absolutely no part of me that still wishes we were together - I do 100% know that it was completely what needed to happen.  But there are parts of me that just get super f'ing jealous that everyone else has the life I would like.  There is a pool full of kidsBoys around the bbq.  Girls everywhere else talking mainly about their kids whom I do love dearly.  And me.  I filter through all the areas.  Fun Aunt Lindsay in the pool.  Chat with the hubbies, entertain the married folk with dating horror stories.... 

Now I know there will be the onslaught of questions about who am I dating - or who am I not dating.  Why aren't I online dating? Dating must be so exciting! Maybe I need to not be so picky.  Or the ever so popular "Oh you wish you had this" when one of the kids are crying... Yes. Yes I do.  Are you telling me you are willing to give all of your life up because your kid is wailing? Do you not think that I have a realistic perspective that life is not all rosey and sunshine? It's like when Tim and I were going through fertility treatments and people would say "are you sure you want this?" when someone was being bratty and I wanted to scream. "No, I'm injecting myself daily with hormones that are turning me into Atilla the Hun because I'm not sure that I want a baby. What? Babies CRY? Forget it." No assholes I would give anything to have a screaming, crying, snot nosed baby. Obs. 

So here we are... packing up to go over to Jens and feeling just slightly emo.  Like to the point I'm trying to figure out when most children will be going home to bed because that will likely be the end of the party.  Today I want to be grateful to have these amazing friendships 20+ years and counting.  I want to be grateful that they have all found true love.  I want to be grateful that everyone has been blessed with children who are happy and healthy. I want to not be jealous every single second of this bbq. I guess there was a part of me earlier this summer that saw the prospect of bringing someone along to this event and it just hasn't materialized.  Maybe that is what is bugging me the most. That here we are, another year later and I'm in the same spot.       
Please don't get me wrong - deep down I truly am grateful.  Today is just one of those days where I really feel divorced.  Gimme a drink.  Gimme an hour.  I'll be back to myself....

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