30 October 2015

What I'm learning....

So as with most of my life experiences, rather than dwell on things negative I try to find the lesson in order to keep moving forward.  I faithfully believe that even in the darkest moments, light will eventually filter in. As with one of my favourite Albert Camus quotes; Even in the depths of winter, I find within me an invincible summer.  

I've learned through this all that grief is never the same for any two people. How each of us comes through this is uniquely our own process. I also realize that perhaps my glass half-full kind of attitude, especially in times like this, will not be understood by many.  I just need to accept that and be true to myself.  I sincerely appreciate the daily calls or texts from friends asking how I am doing or if there is anything they can do.  When I answer them that I am doing ok I am being truthful.  Those closest to me know I am not one to wallow and certainly not one to ask for help.  But when or if I do need it, I will ask the select few that I will let my guard down to.  I haven't had that cry till my eyes hurt cry yet - who knows if I will.  Perhaps all the little bursts of tears are all I have in me.  Maybe I really have made peace.  Maybe it's still to come.  For now I have chosen to take it day by day - make an hour to myself to get on to my yoga mat and connect to my heart and my body or to go out for a run and clear my head.  

One of my favourite things to do is cook - whether that be savoury or sweet - it is my outlet. Cooking together has always been at the center of our family. I cooked the other night for the first time since dad passed.  With the craziness of the funeral & so much food sent our way and days following I could not muster the heart to spend time in the kitchen.  I guess that was part of my grief - I couldn't allow that happy part of me to be present.  But on Wednesday, after a killer 3x3 class, I got in my kitchen and I didn't leave for hours! I made everything from tofu stir fry to fresh chicken lemon rice soup and of course cookies.  Last night again I made another batch of cookies to give away to special people in my heart right now.  People that need a little reminder that they are being held in someone's prayers.  I realize that I bake myself happy!! If I ever won the lotto I would certainly open myself a little bakery attached to Poppy! 

I've also learned that I shouldn't write when I am feeling sassy - at least not on here.  I should just keep those thoughts for my journal and keep working through them until I inevitably find the lesson.  Admittedly, when I write on here it is solely for the purpose of expelling these thoughts from my head into the world in hopes to spread some sunshine and optimism.  Sassy words should be excluded from that and so I keep learning, I keep writing and I keep sharing. 

I've learned that the best way to get through any situation is to connect to people rather than withdraw.  At least it is for me because again, we all grieve in our own unique way.  I find that as others share their stories of losing a parent or their memories of my dad, that it comforts me.  That connection, that shared moment, warms my heart and makes me remember to cherish every day and everyone in our lives.  If I've said it a million times on here, always let people know that you care for them.  Not for any type of reciprocation but just because what greater feeling is there in this world than knowing you are held in someone's heart.  The genuine outreach to someone, whether that be a cherished friend, a lover, a colleague or a neighbour, could very possibly brighten their day.  The only way to make the world a better place is to put more love & sunshine into it.  Sometimes that could mean little random acts of kindness. Sometimes that means writing someone a lovely letter.  Sometimes it means secretly dropping off cookies on doorsteps.  No matter what, every day do something to make someone smile purely for the knowledge that you may brighten their day.   If any lesson is to come of this it is the reminder again that life is short and precious. Be grateful for each struggle and each blessing because sometime they are one in the same.   Follow your heart.  Live generously.  Love. Love. Love.

29 October 2015

words to my father ....


 It's hard to believe it has been a week since I spoke these words to honour my father... I share them into the universe so that they, and he, will live on.  xoxo
I am, for once, at a loss for words.  I waited until the end to write this – for a time the words just weren’t there and then, all of a sudden there were too many to write.  Too many stories I wanted to share with people, so many memories to relive and too many things about him that I wanted to make sure people knew. I know I speak for my mother, Rawna and Justin in saying that over the past few days we have been reminded of just how very blessed we are.  Our hearts are broken and yet so full of love at the same moment.  Though it was by far too short, we are grateful to have had the time that we did have with him. 
Each phone call and text message, each hug and every story shared has reminded us what amazing family and friends are in our lives.  We take comfort in knowing that my dad did not suffer through illness but rather had a great day with family and friends doing some of the things he loved the most, went to sleep happy and just never awoke. 
So many of you who have come to honour him know him in different ways.  There is our family – our giant, amazing family, without whom we could never have gotten through this.  The Elm Street/ Wellington Ave boys from his childhood to past neighbours, golfing buddies, the A&W coffee gang and all of our friends.  People who have known him from all walks of life and in completely different manners and yet everyone has shared with us the love they have for him.
My dad was not fancy or fussy.  He found the things that he liked and he liked them A LOT.  Everything you see up here today is a testament to him.  He was strategic in thinking, enjoying puzzles and mysteries and figuring out how things worked.  He was generous with his tools, his time and his laughter.  If you have been witness to his garage, you know that he was a collector of things – part of me now, believes it was his boy scout way of being prepared to help anyone out. 
He loved to eat – he wouldn’t hesitate to tell you about an amazing meal he’d had or some new restaurant you’d have to try.  Fittingly the largest bouquet of flowers up here is from the local grocery store!  His last day was spent in one of his favourite places The Little White Kitchen where again, he had quickly gone from customer to friend with the owners.
So many people have made the remark to me that “No matter where your dad went, he made a friend.” I cannot think of a better legacy to leave than that.  To know that when all is said and done, his friendship, his generosity and his goofy nature are what people will remember him for.  
He always had his own way of doing things.  He proudly carried a flip phone and adamantly refused to text message.  In the age of TivO & Blueray, my father insisted on still using a Beta VCR’s - because  well they record better quality.  My dad did not “Google”.  He was stubborn and somewhat sassy.   If you’ve never heard the story of him following someone home in Detroit to yell at them for cutting him off on the i75 – ask me later, it’s a good one!
As hard as it is to let him go, it is time to say our last goodbye.    
So Dad,
I realize now after witnessing how many people’s lives you have touched, that your memory will live on no matter what I say here about you today.  You are in the hearts of so many, in such a way that the tables have now turned and I am the one standing here so very proud of you.
You were a lot of things to a lot of people – a son, a husband, a father, a father-in law, a papa, a step-gramp, a brother, and a friend.  You were the beef to mom’s Ace.  An Uncle Ron, a Mr, Ron and a Mr. Gammon. 
I realize after talking about you so much this week that I am more like you than I ever knew.  I actually feel that in losing you, I have come to know you more.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it felt like any moment you would walk through that door and start asking who wanted a coffee or an espresso or if anyone wanted to go snag a cookie in the back room.  You were quick to share advice with anyone who asked and well …. even and usually those that didn’t ask.
You never hid your pride that you had of your family.  Meeting people this week, they identified Rawna and I by all the things you told them about us.  When I decided that I was going to take up cycling with Andrea you were so excited for me to get my first Cannondale! You took yours down from the rafters and got it all tuned up so that we could go out together.   Just like our Saturday mornings when I was kid – you’d get home from your ride and take me out on the back of the bike.  We would go on an adventure and eat coffee crisp bars before breakfast and you’d make me promise to “never tell mom.”  Seeing your bike here today, I wish so much that we would have taken that ride.
You & mom gave us the love of adventure. You would turn a regular Sunday drive through the county into something exciting.
You taught me to always carry a roll of duct tape with me because in the end you can pretty much fix anything with it.  You took me to my first Tigers games and when I looked up at you with my tiny mitt and said “Dad do you think we’ll catch a ball today”, you always said Yes!
“You’ll Accompany Me” will always be our song and cribbage will always be our game.  Every time I see McGyver, The A-Team and Young & the Restless I will think of you. 
I was lucky to be Daddy’s little girl – I never once in my life doubted your love for me.  From the times I could only wrap my hand around your giant thumb I knew what we shared was special.  I miss you so much already.
Rawna, Justin & I will take care of Mom.  She will continue to meet the gang at A&W for coffee and she will tell Davis ever story of his Papa.  Your memory will live on through all of us here celebrating you today. 
Though I didn’t get to see you that last day, I know you were happy and that comforts us all.  I would give anything to throw my arms around you and hear your last words to me again – just to hear your voice say “Love you Kid” one last time. 
I can only hope that one day someone will use the same words to describe me as they did you – that wherever I go, I have made a friend. 
Life is too short not to count our blessings every day.  We were blessed with you Dad.  Our lives will never be the same and they are definitely better for having you in them. 
I love you.  We all love you. 

27 October 2015

perspective....

Today was a day of many visits at the store - friends and customers alike stopping in to extend their support.  It felt nice to receive their hugs and cards of condolence & to reaffirm that this is definitely what carries you through a time like this.  As difficult as it is sometimes to accept help or to lean on others, sometimes just knowing that it's possible is comforting.  

One of my visits today was from a customer turned friend who simply said she was driving by and saw my open sign and decided to pop in.  Currently she is undergoing preparations for their second and final round of IVF so we talked a lot about that - it is definitely one of those areas where empathy comes from experience.  She is significantly younger than I so I am at a totally different position than she is but we talked about peace after loss and becoming at peace with letting go of the dream we all have in our heads of how our lives should go.  


She has gotten to the point where she is starting to accept that her life may not include motherhood.  It's not an easy idea to make peace with as a woman - we spend most of our lives imagining when we will be a mom.  But life sometimes has different plans for us beyond what we have conjured up in our minds.  As much as I wanted to have a child with Tim, there came a point in our IVF process where I knew I had given it my all and was willing to accept that this dream may not come to fruition.  And as I told her, it isn't that I have completely let go of the feeling that I want to be a mother but that my perspective has changed, as has my definition of motherhood.  I think I've accepted that what I have always defined as "family" may be completely different now.  I realize that as I date in my late 30's that I very well may find a partner who comes with children and I'm good with that.   Being a step-mother would be enough for me.  I don't necessarily need to (nor do I know if I could be able to) physically have children of my own. 

Over the past few years, especially post divorce, I've thought a lot about what defines a family.  Could I have a child or adopt a child without a partner? Could I redefine my idea of what constitutes a family with the realization that I may not find someone to share my life with? Could I co-parent with someone who has children from a previous relationship? Perhaps I'm going to be a kick-ass step-mother or a really awesome Zia? Can I simply redefine what being a "mother" means to me?

So I recanted these thoughts to her as I know she is trying to make peace with this being their final attempt and that is not an easy feat. As with so much in life, the hardest part is often grieving the dream, the way we saw our life to go.  The image we had in our head for so long vs the reality that is our life. You come to a point, especially now at this age, where I look at my life and realize that I enjoy it.  I like being able to go to yoga at anytime of the day or pop on my bike for a 2hour ride without worrying about babysitters.  Would I trade the ability to make popcorn for dinner or travel on a moment's notice for the chance to find a partner and "family" (however we define it) most certainly yes.  But from my perspective, life changes in an instant and even the best laid plans go awry.  All we can do it continue to search for what we feel will complete us and be present along the journey to roll with the inevitable changes.  Keep dreaming with feet on the ground and sometimes take a step back our of our present lives to appreciate when things have not gone our way and the lessons we have learned from those experiences.  And as life changes around us, we strive to not grieve what we perceive as a loss but to gain new perspective on the possibilities around us always. 

26 October 2015

Goodbye is never easy

Unfortunately I am not one of the first of my friends to lose a parent.  Looking in retrospect of this past week, I definitely think that having a dying parent is infinitely harder than a parent dying.  I have seen friends struggle to make life work with a parent who is battling illness and in their last moments of life.  I think it's harder.  It's harder to live every day with death hanging over your head and feeling some sort of loss in your heart but yet still seeing them there before you.  Knowing that they are in pain or that they are at the point of wanting to die is something I cannot imagine seeing.  The relief that comes after they finally pass and then the subsequent guilt for having said relief.  It's a never ending circle.  Grief becomes a part of their day, every day and eventually that is all they are able to feel.  It seems as though it would be overwhelming to have death as the principal focus of life every day.  The act of dying takes away from living. 

People keep asking me how I am doing with the signature look of empathy and head tilt and I in a way feel guilty for saying that I'm doing ok.  I mean even if I was struggling, I would be hestitant to allow people to see that side.  But I honestly feel as though he is with me still.  I talked a lot about it with mom today - how I feel like dad going in this way was such a blessing. There was always a part of me that worried when dementia would hit him and if he would slip away gradually like Gram did.  There is no way that I could have handled that.  I am happy that he had a great last day with those that he loves and went to sleep happy.  I feel at peace with the way that he went and how we said goodbye. It is comforting to know that every day he was on this earth he was living - not waiting to die.  This quote sums up what I am feeling in that it doesn't mean that there is no grief or pain in my heart but it is calm there also.  

I've spent so much time on my yoga mat this month because of the 30 day challenge which makes me thankful for that time to connect to myself and be present.  That amongst the turmoil in life, those hours where I am on my mat I am able to manifest peace in my soul.  It is like the quote says in the midst of trouble or noise, peace is being able to be calm within yourself, within your heart.  After another visit with a dear friend this evening, I am reminded again of the power of sending positive thoughts and love to people. She was away last week and unable to attend dad's funeral.  It was nice to connect to her and share that I could feel her love sent to me over the miles. It is amazing to feel support of those who care for you even when they cannot be at your side.  Knowing that someone else I care about is struggling with the impending loss of his mother I will do my best to keep them in my prayers in hopes to carry them through this.  It's ironic how I am not good at all at letting people take care of me and yet as soon as I hear that someone is struggling, the first thing I want to do is scoop them into my arms and hug them.  And then, I want to make them cookies.  Lots and lots of cookies.  

So I wonder what to take away from all this - because the struggle of dying is real and the feeling of grief sometimes over powering but life has to keep going.  I have to believe that making the conscious choice to find peace and make connections to other people are the only ways to moving forward. I will continue to take the time to get to my mat each day and I will send my practice to A's family as well as my own - hoping that peace can be with all of us. I'm going to make sure to send up some extra love to all my friends who have lost a parent for them to continue to be at peace. And now I'm going to make cookies because cookies make everything better. 

25 October 2015

Fall love

Today is a perfect fall day.  I am sitting out on my back porch looking out to treetops that are 100 shades of orange and red.  There is a slight crisp to the air and somewhere around me there is a fire happening and that scent is dancing around.  The sun is shining and the sky is blue. It is the perfect fall day.  My heart feels like it's smiling! I am so very thankful to live in a world where there are Octobers! 

I think it's true - that autumn is the year's last. loveliest smile.  Where even though leaves are changing and falling and the days are getting shorter, we are reminded of all the beauty around us.  We can enjoy the sun on our skin still without overheating.  We can nest into our home with those that we love knowing that soon the holidays and winter will be upon us.  That after a summer of sunshine and parties, we enter a season where comfort surrounds us.  Today would have been the perfect day for an adventure.  The perfect day to visit a cider mill or go for a nice long drive through the county.  It's a wonderful, happy day.  

Someone did say to me once how it's only in fall that we accept the death of things as a beautiful thing.  We look to the leaves changing around us and rather than be sad to think of the trees losing their foliage, we admire the beauty in it knowing that as with most things in life, there is a circle of birth and passing.  Every day we have the opportunity to look at life with awe or with dread.  Though I have weathered many a storm in my 38 years here on earth, I am so very thankful to be able to appreciate the beauty in these moments.  To know that even when we lost something or someone, we have the opportunity to rejoice in the happy moments.  That their passing doesn't have to be something that breaks us but rather that lifts us up and reminds us of how precious our days are. Moments that remind us to always say what we feel and when we connect to someone don't let that go.  Love as much as we can and keep our hearts open to finding friendship and companionship where possible. Days like this are numbered - we need to take those moments to remember that there is beauty around us always.    

24 October 2015

This crew....

This crew lifts me up.  The misfit gang of neighbourhood peeps who took me out last night to watch the Jays and listen to some music.  I needed a burger and some wine and of course some tequila.  It felt good to be back in the real world.  Life goes on - exactly how my dad would have wanted it.  I got lots of great hugs which are probably my favourite things ever.  We had laughs and chatted about my dad and how the Tavern burgers were his favourite thing ever.  Gordo played James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend" and I knew Dad was there and I felt at peace.  No one ever plays James Taylor lol but that was his and moms' song.  He proposed during that song 42 years ago.  We played it during his visitation and during the service.  It will always have special meaning to our family.  I think it's moments like that when something will remind me of him that I will feel him with me.  Bill put his arm around me and we sang all the words and I realize how lucky I am.   All these little pockets of people that I've collected along the way.  I couldn't ask for more.

22 October 2015

life returns to "normal"

The last few days have been a whirlwind of love, laughter, tears and memories.  We honoured our father in the best way possible - spending time with so many who are near and dear to us.  It was such a pleasure to meet friends of his from the golf course or the coffee gang from A&W who treasured their moments with him.  It was not without sadness but the love seemed to over power it.  I think he would have been happy with how things turned out.  It's amazing the amount of people that came - lined up out the door for both visitations and a full house for the funeral service.  

The funeral home did an amazing job taking care of us and made this time so comforting and easy to navigate. I cannot say enough good things about them and the services they provided to our family.  There was a moment on Tuesday night between visitations (when my friends had sent enough food to serve a small army!) that we had the funeral home to ourselves and we had the staff actually come enjoy a meal with us.  People remarked after the services that it seemed as though our officiant was part of our family because he was so comfortable with us.  It's funny how that happens with our family - we tend to scoop people up into our fold even in times of adversity.  
Eulogizing my father is probably the most difficult speech I have ever given and yet the one I am certainly most proud of.  There was a moment when I first got to the podium and my eyes glazed over looking at my sheet of paper.  For real, no one should have to follow the hymn Hallelujah and be expected to hold it together.  There were laughs and there were tears and I hope to share those words on here soon so that those memories will live on forever.  

It is the memories that have comforted us.  It is the love of our family that has gotten us through this.  After all was over and we gathered yet again for family dinner at my aunt's house, I was reminded just how blessed we really are.  We sat around that table sipping wine, eating chocolates, laughing and telling stories.  There is no doubt that my dad knew just how loved he was by us all and how we were loved by him.  I think that makes it easier to let him go - knowing that there aren't regrets.  He did not suffer through illness - he had a great day, went to sleep happy and never woke upNothing will be the same without him but we are grateful for all the days we had and all the memories that we continue to live on.  i know that we will all have our moments of grief and moments of missing him but celebrating his life has allowed us to begin to move on to the new "normal".  

19 October 2015

no words

I cannot begin to describe the feeling in me right now. My heart feels both broken and so very full at the very same moment.  Without warning, my father passed away so suddenly it does not yet feel real.  Without suffering or illness, he is just gone.  Our family forever altered. So many memories have flooded through these past few days as we both laugh and cry, telling stories and looking through photographs to prepare for his funeral.  We have been blessed with so much - he was not without his faults but overall my dad was a great man.  It is clearly shown through the amount of love sent from family, friends, colleagues and even his favourite bakery!  I am comforted by each simple text, email, facebook message or phone call.  Each person who has taken a moment out of their lives to send condolences, check in to see how we are doing or simply to let us know they are thinking of us.  This is what is carrying us through.  It may seem insignificant but just having someone say we are in their thoughts means the world. It has been nothing short of a whirlwind making plans and taking care of my mom.  Tonight is the first time I've sat by myself and it's starting to sink in.  I know I need to write tonight - I need to begin a eulogy for Wednesday but I don't know where to begin.  At this moment all I want is to wrap my arms around my dad one last time and hear him say "love you kid". I have no words..... 

15 October 2015

Thankful

Ok it has definitely been a while since I have blogged an actual recipe on here so no time like the present to introduce you all to this glorious fall apple pie that I created for Thanksgiving.  As per usual I did not follow a recipe to acheive this so take this for what it is ... an adaptation on your traditional apple pie! (Ps we served this with pumpkin "ice cream" which was just canned pumpkin, almond milk and frozen bananas and that was pretty great!) 

For the crust I used the following
2 cup ground almonds 
1 tbsp ground flax (fiber = good!) 
1/4 c grapeseed oil 
1/4 c agave 
2 tbsp maple syrup 

Just mix it all up until it's a good consistency and then squish it into a pie dish and bake at 350 until it's golden brown which is about 15 min.  But keep your eye on it... 

Filling was a mixture of crunchy apples, 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/4 cup of cornstarch, a couple of go-arounds with cinnamon, pinch of nutmeg - mix that all up and pour in baked crust.  For the topping I used another cup of almond meal, maybe 1/3 cup of large flake oats , the same of sliced almonds, more cinnamon and 1/2 cup of vegan butter since my sis needed to eat this but highly I recommend regular delicious butter cut into cubes.  With pastry fork (or your clean fingers if you are me!) squish all together until it's mealy.  crumble it on top of apple mixture so that it's covered and then I drizzled with a bit more maple syrup because well, because maple syrup is my favourite thing on earth.... 

Then I baked that pie at 400 for about 40 min and it was freaking delicious.  FYI.         

It's always at thanksgiving that I realize just how much I do have to be thankful for. This year was no exception.  I feel like I've yet again learned a lot of lessons this year, some of which the hard way but that's also not unlike me.  I Energy Exchange at my local Moksha Hot Yoga studio and I love it.  The crew there is awesome and being an exchanger has really helped me get to know people that practice there and the amazing teachers and owners of the studio.  Just being there Thanksgiving morning when Mesia comes in and gives me a giant hug and squeals about my new bangs or when we are in class and the music is pumping and the killer Kriya class is full of energy and laughter.  There is this bond between yogi's and everyone is supporting each other or razzing each other - laughing and sharing this space.  It's hard to explain but now being a part of things, that Sangha or "community" has really come to feel like home.  Being there, in that space, with people who are sharing & sweating just kinda feels centering.  

I am grateful for this new opportunity and these new friends.  I am so grateful to have found the connection to yoga in a way to come to my mat and center myself every day.  That even though stumbles and falls have brought me here, that truly I am happy and lucky to have each day.  Watching friends struggle through health issues these past few years, makes me appreciate not only the strength of my body but of my spirit.  There are times I struggle - with moving on and with letting go - but I do keep moving forward.  I am lucky for the struggle because without it there is no way I would ever appreciate all the wonderful experiences I've had, the amazing people whom I share my life with nor have the gratitude to be humble with my life.  They played the song I am The Luckiest during shavasna and yes there were tears.  It is true.  I am the luckiest. Plus I make a damn good pie...... 

ugh dating....


I'm 38.  Yes 38.  I'm done with playing any sort of games or beating around the proverbial bush.  It is the one thing that I do like about dating when you are older is that you know what you want and what you are looking for.  Getting into a relationship should be about wanting to share your life with someone not needing someone to complete your life.  This is sometimes hard for my married, well-wishing friends to absorb.  

My bestie and I couldn't be further from opposites and perhaps that is why we have been friends for close to 25 years.  Her advice to me on my first date PT (Post Tim) was actually "Be on your best behaviour" because admittedly I am a bit on the quirky side.  But then there is the part of me that feels like I need to be my authentic self if someone is going to actually love me but I get her reasoning for advising not to perhaps share my innermost thoughts on date #1.  I've been known not to have many boundaries and yes I do need to sometimes scale back on the rose-coloured glasses, everything happens for a reason mystical blah blah that often spews out of me (and on to this blog for your reading pleasure!). But I do also need to be me. 

I tend to just follow my gut but every so often her voice pops up in the back of my head and makes me feel a little self conscious about things.  For instance, I'm talking with someone new and I like him.  I want to spend time with him and so I ask him out.  When I don't get an answer right away (even though my brain knows he has probably fallen asleep for the night) her voice pops in saying "see! you have to wait for him to ask you! boys don't want someone aggressive or taking over the reigns"  and so I backtrack and send a follow up "no big deal if you don't want to" text like an asshole & completely against my better judgement. Why do I get so freaked out??? I know I have to just go with how I authentically feel but it's hard in a new situation.  I feel like I'm allowed to reach out and ask him.  I don't want to play the "game" of waiting for him to always ask me out - I am a strong, confident woman and if I want something or someone I"m going to go after it.  But on the flip side I also don't want to completely emasculate the guy either.  Ugh.  See... PERILS of dating....

I'm direct and honest and I go after what I want.  This is me.  Take me or leave me.  Love it or not.  I can't just become a player of the game or a follower of "the rules" this late in life.  I don't want games.  I want trust & honesty.  I want a partner.  This is who I am.  I am going to ask you to hang out if I have time and I want to see you.  We are all so busy that we need to spend less time guessing what the other person is thinking or doing.  It took me many years (and lots of therapy) to discover this.  To discover myself.  And as flawed, quirky and overly optimistic that I am that is the true person that I want my partner to fall for.  The odds of me being on my best behaviour for long periods of time are pretty slim to none.  That's what I have Mary there for anyhow... to be my balance.  To be my bestie.  The cold to my hot and the blonde to my brunette. 

13 October 2015

Milestones.....


I'm not 100% sure why I chose this quote to add to the blog today - it just kinda spoke to me.  It was my birthday last month so perhaps that is part of it.  My own small celebration of life, in conjunction with the introspective nature of fall, made these words feel appropriate.  Life is uncertain - nothing more of a reminder of that than your birthday.  I do feel blessed to have another year under my belt and many great things happened this year.  I do sometimes spin wildly but it is in hopes to find this path I believe my life is meant to take.  I try every day to be brave... it doesn't always happen but I try.  That counts right? 


A bestie of mine is newly single and of course questioning life in all it's glory right now.  It's hard sometimes to not to get lost in the hopes of what could have been.  Our hearts are clouded by the dream of how we imagined our life to be.  It is no easy feat to stand brave when faced with the uncertainty of starting over again, especially after it took so long to convince your heart to love again.  Sometimes it's hard to know that we can just take that breath and simply start over from wherever we may be.  We don't trust ourselves again. That uncertainty is back. I find that the hardest part of dating - trusting my gut not to choose wrong again.  To regret taking the chance and having to pull ourselves back up after another failure

One of the hardest things of letting a relationship go is the ending... it feels weird to just cut something off completely.  The idea of "uncoupling" sometimes make sense... as much as I do not want to admit that.  I think it's why people seperate before they divorce. There is a process of coming together so conversely shouldn't there be a process of coming apart? Sometimes the challenge of letting go is the uncertainty of what the future holds.  Will there be someone else out there? Is this as good as it gets? Am I letting this go thinking that there is more when really, this is good? There is always uncertainty.  But just as when starting a relationship you have to jump in with both feet and an open heart, when it's time to let go we must acknowledge that ending.  We have to blindly accept that this ending will be another beginning and move forward.