15 October 2015

ugh dating....

I'm 38.  Yes 38.  I'm done with playing any sort of games or beating around the proverbial bush.  It is the one thing that I do like about dating when you are older is that you know what you want and what you are looking for.  Getting into a relationship should be about wanting to share your life with someone not needing someone to complete your life.  This is sometimes hard for my married, well-wishing friends to absorb.  

My bestie and I couldn't be further from opposites and perhaps that is why we have been friends for close to 25 years.  Her advice to me on my first date PT (Post Tim) was actually "Be on your best behaviour" because admittedly I am a bit on the quirky side.  But then there is the part of me that feels like I need to be my authentic self if someone is going to actually love me but I get her reasoning for advising not to perhaps share my innermost thoughts on date #1.  I've been known not to have many boundaries and yes I do need to sometimes scale back on the rose-coloured glasses, everything happens for a reason mystical blah blah that often spews out of me (and on to this blog for your reading pleasure!). But I do also need to be me. 

I tend to just follow my gut but every so often her voice pops up in the back of my head and makes me feel a little self conscious about things.  For instance, I'm talking with someone new and I like him.  I want to spend time with him and so I ask him out.  When I don't get an answer right away (even though my brain knows he has probably fallen asleep for the night) her voice pops in saying "see! you have to wait for him to ask you! boys don't want someone aggressive or taking over the reigns"  and so I backtrack and send a follow up "no big deal if you don't want to" text like an asshole & completely against my better judgement. Why do I get so freaked out??? I know I have to just go with how I authentically feel but it's hard in a new situation.  I feel like I'm allowed to reach out and ask him.  I don't want to play the "game" of waiting for him to always ask me out - I am a strong, confident woman and if I want something or someone I"m going to go after it.  But on the flip side I also don't want to completely emasculate the guy either.  Ugh.  See... PERILS of dating....

I'm direct and honest and I go after what I want.  This is me.  Take me or leave me.  Love it or not.  I can't just become a player of the game or a follower of "the rules" this late in life.  I don't want games.  I want trust & honesty.  I want a partner.  This is who I am.  I am going to ask you to hang out if I have time and I want to see you.  We are all so busy that we need to spend less time guessing what the other person is thinking or doing.  It took me many years (and lots of therapy) to discover this.  To discover myself.  And as flawed, quirky and overly optimistic that I am that is the true person that I want my partner to fall for.  The odds of me being on my best behaviour for long periods of time are pretty slim to none.  That's what I have Mary there for anyhow... to be my balance.  To be my bestie.  The cold to my hot and the blonde to my brunette. 

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