30 October 2015

What I'm learning....

So as with most of my life experiences, rather than dwell on things negative I try to find the lesson in order to keep moving forward.  I faithfully believe that even in the darkest moments, light will eventually filter in. As with one of my favourite Albert Camus quotes; Even in the depths of winter, I find within me an invincible summer.  

I've learned through this all that grief is never the same for any two people. How each of us comes through this is uniquely our own process. I also realize that perhaps my glass half-full kind of attitude, especially in times like this, will not be understood by many.  I just need to accept that and be true to myself.  I sincerely appreciate the daily calls or texts from friends asking how I am doing or if there is anything they can do.  When I answer them that I am doing ok I am being truthful.  Those closest to me know I am not one to wallow and certainly not one to ask for help.  But when or if I do need it, I will ask the select few that I will let my guard down to.  I haven't had that cry till my eyes hurt cry yet - who knows if I will.  Perhaps all the little bursts of tears are all I have in me.  Maybe I really have made peace.  Maybe it's still to come.  For now I have chosen to take it day by day - make an hour to myself to get on to my yoga mat and connect to my heart and my body or to go out for a run and clear my head.  

One of my favourite things to do is cook - whether that be savoury or sweet - it is my outlet. Cooking together has always been at the center of our family. I cooked the other night for the first time since dad passed.  With the craziness of the funeral & so much food sent our way and days following I could not muster the heart to spend time in the kitchen.  I guess that was part of my grief - I couldn't allow that happy part of me to be present.  But on Wednesday, after a killer 3x3 class, I got in my kitchen and I didn't leave for hours! I made everything from tofu stir fry to fresh chicken lemon rice soup and of course cookies.  Last night again I made another batch of cookies to give away to special people in my heart right now.  People that need a little reminder that they are being held in someone's prayers.  I realize that I bake myself happy!! If I ever won the lotto I would certainly open myself a little bakery attached to Poppy! 

I've also learned that I shouldn't write when I am feeling sassy - at least not on here.  I should just keep those thoughts for my journal and keep working through them until I inevitably find the lesson.  Admittedly, when I write on here it is solely for the purpose of expelling these thoughts from my head into the world in hopes to spread some sunshine and optimism.  Sassy words should be excluded from that and so I keep learning, I keep writing and I keep sharing. 

I've learned that the best way to get through any situation is to connect to people rather than withdraw.  At least it is for me because again, we all grieve in our own unique way.  I find that as others share their stories of losing a parent or their memories of my dad, that it comforts me.  That connection, that shared moment, warms my heart and makes me remember to cherish every day and everyone in our lives.  If I've said it a million times on here, always let people know that you care for them.  Not for any type of reciprocation but just because what greater feeling is there in this world than knowing you are held in someone's heart.  The genuine outreach to someone, whether that be a cherished friend, a lover, a colleague or a neighbour, could very possibly brighten their day.  The only way to make the world a better place is to put more love & sunshine into it.  Sometimes that could mean little random acts of kindness. Sometimes that means writing someone a lovely letter.  Sometimes it means secretly dropping off cookies on doorsteps.  No matter what, every day do something to make someone smile purely for the knowledge that you may brighten their day.   If any lesson is to come of this it is the reminder again that life is short and precious. Be grateful for each struggle and each blessing because sometime they are one in the same.   Follow your heart.  Live generously.  Love. Love. Love.

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