24 November 2015

Auld Lang Syne....

Getting the store ready for Christmas this past week was nothing short of challenging.  First it just felt too early (as usual) and the weather was just too warm.  My heart was just not into it.  I was missing my dad.  A lot.  I'll be honest some days there were tears.  One (or more) mornings there was booze in my coffee (it's ok, I'm Irish!)Those closest to me know that a. I don't like to ask for assistance and b. I don't quickly share when I am hurting - I tend to withdraw and be quiet on my own.  I need to figure it out in my own head before I can verbalize it to anyone else.  I like to cry in the comfort of my own pillow or bathtub, all by myself.  I will write about it and then, once I have felt it all, then I will share that I was struggling.  What I have learned with each life "experience", it's that it is not about getting "over" anything but just getting through each day. Most of the really challenging things in life aren't things we ever rid ourselves of - they are what shapes us in to our redefined selves. It's not about ignoring the feelings - we HAVE to feel the feelings.  We have to take the moments as they come and just accept them for what they are. 

One of my friends made a comment to me
that she was amazed by my strength in all this and was amazed when i told her that I was actually struggling this week. My response to her remark was just simply that it wasn't about being strongI knew I had to feel the feelings and I was doing that. I am just not good at sharing that with others.  Also I'm not a wallower.  Too much damn positivity and optimism in me to wallow. I remember on my bad days through the divorce when I would allow myself a day to feel shitty and then it was time to find something positive again. That said, I don't ignore what happening either - you have to feel what you feel. And we all feel it in different ways.  We are going to have moments and memories - allow them to fill your heart up and sometimes allow the tears to over flow.  In recanting all this to my mother (along with giving her a sermon on letting go of her hatred towards my ex), she remarked that I really should have been a therapist.  I tend to agree.  (Any sugar daddies out there that want to fund that third run of education for me??)

We are all going to have times where we are mad as hell that our dad was taken too soon from us but then I realize that it's again, all about perspective.  I could be upset every day because I feel robbed but I choose otherwise.  I want to be happy for every moment that I got to share with him.  For the fact that we shared a great love that not all dads & daughters get to share. I want to continue to live my life fully because that is what he would want to happen.  To live is now to honour him.  He will be with us every Christmas going forward but just this time in spirit.  Our trees will never be meticulously lit now without him but they will be lit.  Someone new will have to skillfully wrap the presents and carve the turkey.  He'll be there just in the flicker of a candle and on the wings of a Robin sitting in the tree.  We will be warmed with all the memories of past Christmas' where Ron was there among us.  

So after all was said and done there was this moment closing up for the day and all the lights were out except for the lit trees and the last song playing on the radio was Auld Lang Syne.  And then, right there, it finally felt like Christmas
What is it about certain holiday songs? Auld Lang Syne and O Holy Night - instant heartswell, instant tears. It's in that moment where I truly felt so blessed for all those who helped me get ready for this week.  Friends who didn't judge my breakdown moments or my scrooge attitude.  My mom for being there to adorn the trees.  It sometimes truly does take a village to get through certain moments in time.  This first Christmas is going to be difficult but we will get through.  We will just feel the feelings and know that in spirit, he remains with us always.  xo xo 

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