19 December 2015

big hearts see the best things....

I'm quite late in sending Christmas cards this year as I began just this weekend.  This annual rite always serves as a reminder just how very blessed my life is to be filled with amazing family & friends.  The past two months have surely been a testament to the fact that love is what carries you through life.  I know sometimes it's hard to love me because I am fiercely independent & not always good at asking for help.  There have definitely been moments these past few weeks where I have wanted someone to put their arm around me and whisper that it will all be ok.  But I am again reminded that I'm in this alone.  Don't get me wrong, I am so very lucky to have amazing family and friends and I appreciate all those who are in my life but there are times I do wish for a partner.  There is something special about finding someone who understands that you don't need them to fix things.  You just need them to stand beside you. 

I think sometimes what makes me most apprehensive about dating is worrying about choosing wrong again.  I got my heart broken by T - his own demons destroyed that love.  It was one of the tests to my strength but in the end I did rise. I learned and I grew.  Some of the choices I've made since him weren't the best either but they were all stepping stones on this path.  I have been hurt but that will never stop me from loving again.  As the quote says, sometimes there is sadness in our journey but we keep moving forward.  Some days it may be hard to get out of bed, but it is such a blessing to simply wake up.  To breathe in a new day and new possibility.  

A little time on my mat this morning brought me back to the idea of forgiveness.  I've definitely learned to forgive easily and usually for those who haven't even asked for it because forgiveness is sometimes about clearing our own heart of negativity.  Sometimes I'm reminded that I need to also forgive myself for my own mistakes.  For believing the words that were told to me. For indulging in that comfortable feeling of someone's arms around me, the softness of their touch along my arm.  For believing in the things that we talked about like grand adventures or simply cooking dinner were real possibilities. For opening myself up again thinking that it was true for both of us but perhaps it was just me.  I guess in reality I will never know if he meant it and just ended up feeling too much.  Or if it all of it really was just to occupy some time while away until reality set in.  I have to choose to believe that it was real but just not meant to be right now.  Our paths were meant to cross but perhaps not meant to stay connected. Perhaps they will one day cross again.  I need to be able to forgive myself for choosing incorrect again.

However this quote reminds me that I need to continue to look at all of this as a journey towards finding that partner.  S wasn't what I needed him to be and I held on to that for too long simply because there was some comfort in talking with someone.  In reality I knew that it wasn't there.  I knew it when we kissed because there was no spark.   I knew it in trying to have a conversation with him when there was no connection there.  I knew it when he never asked how my day was.  When zero was done in regards to my birthday.  When I shared that I was worried about something and there was no check in.  But it took meeting A to know that it was time to let that go.  With A I wanted to TALK.  I found him so interesting.  I liked that he was ok with my independence and that he had his own life of kids and work and fitness.  I liked his interest in common things like preserving or smoking meat lol. I liked that he said he loved to also walk in fresh snow and that I felt on fire when he kissed me.  Maybe I really don't know how to give up on people when I see the good in them.  I think sometimes I see more good in others than they do in themselves. 

Writing these cards to people, some who have been in my life a thousand years & some merely seconds, I want to remember that they are all part of my journey.  That it is not about choosing wrong - we are all meant to be in each other's live for a reason - but recognizing that sometimes what we think we are looking for or what we think we see in someone else may not be reality.  But for all of them - for all the lessons, memories, self-discoveries - I am eternally grateful.  Because when I look in the mirror I see someone that I like very much and one day there will be that partner who sees & adores the real me.  Someone who doesn't care that I sing loud and off key, that I twirl around like a child when the snow is falling or that I splash in puddles when it's raining.  Someone who isn't embarrassed that sometimes I dance as I walk if the music is right and who will hug me when I wake up scared in the middle of the night. I will continue to forgive and continue to see the best in people or at least try.  Me and my big heart may be suseptible to breakage but that means we're also likely to find great love along the way.  Fingers crossed. xo  

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