30 December 2015

fam jam ....

Well here it has come and gone - the first big holiday without him.  Christmas Eve was hardest and as much as I tried to keep it together, there were a lot of tears.  They came right out of the blue, when I was least expecting it.  I cried at work.  I cried at shoppers drug mart trying to print photos.  I cried at the jewellery store trying to buy a bracelet.  I cried in my car when Bob Seger came on the radio.  It was a day where the tears were always at the brink.  At one point I just decided to accept it and take them as they came.  I thought a lot of others who were going through their first holiday without someone.  I took a lot of moments to step back and look at everyone around me, realizing just how quickly things can shift and taking moments to be thankful. 

I wanted to hear his laugh more than anything in the world.  He would have gotten such a kick out of the Kris Kringle gifts that were passed around.  He would have laughed so hard that he'd start coughing until he was almost choking and wheezing... which used to drive me bananas and now would sound so sweet.  He would have loved to watch Davis take those first three steps that we all witnessed.  He would have loved to see him open gifts in his plaid pj's and cozy robe or to hear him say "wow" and point in delight at all the Christmas lights. He would have loved it all. He would have loved every single second of it. And hopefully he was there with us in some way.  Not just in our hearts but some how there watching over us all, holding our hands and getting us through. 

It just felt a little quieter around that table this year.  We toasted him and celebrated each other, knowing now that life is brief and sweet.  Grateful as always to have a family so big and loud and full of love for each other.  We carried on the tradition of Boxing Day Bowling & pizza, his big presence missing from it all.  There is some magic in the holiday season and as the quote above says, we need to use it to be grateful, forgiving and welcoming.  And as much as I would give to wrap my arms around my giant teddy bear of a dad and hear his voice again, I realize that he will live on in all of us as long as we let him.  His memory is in our hearts no matter what.  Holidays may hurt more than every day but I do believe that love will carry us through.

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