I love big and not everyone understands that. It doesn't matter if you are family, friend or lover. In fact I'm sure it may make some people uncomfortable but that's who I am and at this point in my life that part of me is not going to change. I sign every letter with a heart and an "xo". I say "I love you" when I say goodbye one the phone. Once you are in my heart, you are there forever. That's just me. I don't expect it in return. I don't think I've ever really had someone love me like that - with grand displays of affection. I don't need it shouted from the rooftop - I'd rather you whisper it quietly in my ear. I just want someone who won't be embarrassed if I twirl around in the falling snow or perhaps break into song or dance spontaneously.
As much as people don't grieve in the same manor, people also don't show love in the same manor. I do think that sometimes I see things differently than most women. Perhaps it's because I have been through so much in my life or because I am very introspective and want to learn from every experience. Recently A told me that they were an "emotionally unavailable" person and I want to correct whoever told them that because perhaps that person should have just looked harder. Loving someone isn't always in overt affection - you can say I Love You a million times but actions are louder than words. Saying those words mean nothing if you treat someone awfully or with disrespect. I've been in that situation before. But something as small as saying "I'm off" before a flight or letting me know when that flight has landed is emoting. "Sweet dreams" before bedtime or "Glad you got home safe" - simple and yet mean a lot. Sharing little things about family or work. Indulging me by sending photos of food. Even simply talking about struggling with emoting is letting someone in. Maybe to most they are insignificant but I think it's all the little things add up to more than grand gestures.
Perhaps it's the holidays pulling at my heart strings but it's the time I always reflect on the year coming to a close. I write what I like to call New Years Notes to people who have either entered my life that year or people who have made a significant impact on my life that year. It is just a simple note to tell them why I cherish them or what impact they have made on me. We don't often enough tell those around us why we think they are great. As the quote says, we should spread love as thick as Nutella. I mean truly who doesn't love Nutella!! As for my notes, I ask that it be either the last thing they read to close their year or the first thing they read to start the new one so that they either end or begin their year with love in their heart. And it's all kinds of love - friendship, family, romantic. I suppose it's the big sap in me that also wants my last act of the year to be one of love.
So I suppose it's also natural when the year wraps up and a new one looms to reflect on what we have learned this year and where we are going. But what do you do when you are yet again at a crossroads. The optimist in me wants to believe that it all was true and honest and that timing is just a bitch. The realist in me thinks I opened myself up and got duped. Again. All I can do it just go with my gut and believe that there truly was a connection there and just try to have faith that eventually we will have some time to have fun and not deal with all the heavy things that have impacted our lives these past few months. And in the end if it turns out that we don't get any more time together I will be grateful for the boundaries I pushed in myself to open up again, tuck A & this experience in to my heart and again keep moving forward. And now I'm craving Nutella...