18 December 2015

the dove & peacefulness

I have literally begun 4 posts all on various topics over the past week and as with my life, my thoughts seem to be all over the place! My goal today is to finish at least this one!!

So on Monday I came home to find a white dove sitting outside my bedroom window on the ledge.  At first I wondered if he was hurt because he just sat there unfazed by me walking by and just looking at me out the side of his eye.  Every time I walked by I expected a flurry of movement for him to get startled and try to fly off but he remained totally calm.  The next morning when I left for 630 yoga he was gone from the ledge so I assumed he had flown away.  However when I returned (and it was now daylight!) he was indeed still there but now perched above the door to my patio.  Again totally unfazed by myself or the dog - Paco also didn't notice or acknowledge that there was another animal there which I found odd.  For days, he sat there.  Every time I looked, he was there.  So of course I wondered what it could mean and everyone attributed it to my dad's spirit being there to comfort me.  I figured my dad should probably know that I'm slightly afraid of birds but oddly it did feel comforting to see that little guy out there every day. 

Today marks two months since he passed - the first month was a total blur.  The second month hit me hard.  As much as I felt cold & uncaring because I couldn't cry at first, seems it was that I was saving it all for month two.  I can't tell you the number of nights where I did not sleep.  Every worry in the world cursing through my head.  Some of the oddest and most morbid thoughts included.  Netflix, Pinterest and the book "Understanding Your Grief" were my three best friends for a while there.  

I suppose that there was also a piece of me sad to see a potential relationship end, really before it even got the chance to start. This was the first person in a very long time where there was a connection and I really saw a good fit - his intelligence & humour were definitely what I am hoping for in a potential partner. There is a part of me that feels silly for opening up and sharing myself with him but that eternal optimist in my is choosing to believe that it was honest on both our parts but alas life and all of it's craziness was just too much.  I look at it as a reminder (again) of what I do want in a partner - that I want someone who asks how I am doing or how my day was because they actually care.  Those small simple things that really (sadly) are not common.  I suppose what hurts most is realizing that I didn't mean enough to warrant a face-to-face final conversation.  That he didn't have the respect to say good-bye in person rather than an "I need time to myself" text.  Sometimes the age of technology is weird but I suppose it's better than being 'ghosted'.

So this past month really has been about making peace with a lot of things.  My business is changing, my love life is yet again on hold and my heart continues to grieve my dad.  Looking online about the meaning of the dove I find out that the dove represents peace of the deepest kind. "It soothes and quiets our worried or troubled thoughts, enabling us to find renewal in the silence of the mind. The dove’s singing is most prevalent when the veils between the physical and spiritual worlds are thought to be at their thinnest – first thing in the morning and last thing at night – again representing a link between two divergent domains."  Doves teach us that, regardless of external circumstances, peace is always a touch a way – within us – and always available. It is said that if a dove flies into your life, you are being asked to go within and release your emotional disharmony.  Doves carry the energy of promise. When inner conflicts are banished from our thoughts, words and feelings, goodness awaits.  "The dove’s roles as spirit messenger, maternal symbol and liaison impart an inner peace that helps us to go about our lives calmly and with purpose." 

Someone else suggested that it was there to protect me from negative energy - there is a part of me that wonders if that is internal or external as a few nights I've really beat myself upI've been trying to remember to recite the Serenity Prayer to myself both on an off my yoga mat.  I am trying to be kinder to myself and rid the negative thoughts that maybe I am just too independent or just inherently unlovable.  These thoughts tend to come up around this time of year - especially with my 4 year "divorce-iversary" looming next week.  As much as it wasn't the best timing to leave my husband ON Valentines Day, it was probably not the best idea to settle our divorce 3 days before Christmas. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20.... 

Yesterday I had a piece of my dad tattooed on my shoulder, where I am certain he sits as my guardian angel and when I returned, my dove was gone.  So perhaps it really was my daddy wanting me to know he was there with me always and once I did have him permanently inked to my skin, he knew that I had in fact found more peace with saying goodbye. Missing him is becoming more and more real but so is learning to live with his spirit rather than his presence.  Maybe it was just a silly dove that lost it's way but as with anything this glass half-full kinda gal is going to take comfort in thinking it was him watching over me.  Loving me still.  Bringing me peace.  xoxo

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