28 March 2016

the one left behind

There is something about being left that changes you.  For a long time I struggled with the thought of why I wasn't enough to fight for.  Why was it easy for him to just walk away? Why did he let it go without wanting to try to make it work? Couldn't he sort out his issues and find a way back?  But then there is the other side to the story knowing deep down that our marriage wasn't happy and it wasn't even close to perfect.  I don't actually know that therapy would have even helped to regain any of that trust that he destroyed but for a long time there was a part of me that wondered "what if we tried".  There is just something about people who have felt this pain of being cheated on and left for someone else - there is a slight mistrust in anyone going forward.  A protective shield across your heart and a wonder if truly you are better off alone. I know there is a part of me that is always still learning how to balance the "holding on" versus the "letting go."

Part of my internal spring cleaning is letting go of hurt and relationships that no longer serve me.   Realizing that just because I felt so horrible in thinking that I wasn't worth fighting for, doesn't mean that I have to keep fighting for relationships that someone else isn't as invested in.  I find it hard to let go sometimes because I wonder if that person is feeling the same - wanting someone to fight for them.  Or perhaps they feel as though they don't deserve the fight and would be better off alone.  Maybe this is why it takes me so long to walk away from someone.  Perhaps it's just that "rainbows & unicorns" side of me always seeing so much good in people that I am blind to the negative things that are poking me in the ribs.  

I have to be more honest with myself - I have to stop making excuses and understanding where someone is coming from because that means I am again compromising me.  Everything is a lesson.  If we are together in any way, it shouldn't be weird to be friends on social media - sharing that should be normal.   Now I'm not a telephone person but I have to say that while dating TJ these past few months, it was nice to hear someone's voice at night.  But even with that relationship - it was great... until it wasn't.  Until all of a sudden there was sweetness and then there was nothing at all.  As grateful as I am to have certain people in my life, the ambiguity of not knowing what, if anything has grown between us, is hard to deal with.   I hate the thought of walking away from something that could be great but I have to realize that I can't be the only one that wants it to work out. 

I can't love someone for the person that they "almost are" or for the person that I see within them because almost doesn't count.  And if they aren't trying to see themselves as more then I can't keep hoping that they will.  Either space and time will bring us together or set us apart forever. 

To be friends with someone you care for is a great theory but in reality it will never work. At least not until both of you have found significant others.  As much as I want to have EhEh as a friend because I truly care about him - that desire to kiss him is still there.  I want more than anything to wrap my arms around him right now, kiss his forehead and rub his back until he feels better.  And that isn't friends.  The line has been blurry but I need to realize that if he doesn't want to date because he needs to heal then I need to let go and let him heal.  I don't want to just be friends - I want more and I need to be honest with myself about that. I know there is something between us but I need to respect his need for space.   It's like the attraction of potential.  Everyone I date, I don't feel the same connection as I did to him.  But is the man I want the original man that I met before all the death happened? The man that waited outside the restaurant before our first date and walked me home? Is it the man that snuggles on the couch and gently rubs my arms with his fingertips? Is the man who sent me a Scrabble Board love note? Or is that man gone? Does he exist only in my head if he never sees these things in himself? I'm creating the space in my heart to just allow things to come to be as they will be and accept that I can love people for the greatness I see in them but I just can't hold on to that alone.  

The "hugger" that I dated a few years back has been messaging me this past week or so and it's nice to hear from him I have to admit.  Perhaps it is the reminder that this was one guy that did actually think of me ahead of himself.  It was probably one of the only times anyone had really ever been so considerate of me and it could be what I need to remember.  So maybe it's the combination that I need to keep looking for - consideration from the Hugger, communication from TJ and connection from EhEh... For now, I just keep my heart open to giving and accepting the love that is in my world.  I need to regain focus on my 2016 word of CONTENTMENT and find my own happiness.  So I yet again learn to hold on and let go simultaneously, knowing that there is a power above us leading us all to each other.  Trust in the magic of new beginnings.  Trust in fate.  Trust in myself that I will eventually know when to protect my heart and when to keep it open to love.   

27 March 2016

He is Risen...

It is Easter morning and as I sit here quietly with my coffee and read, I begin to feel a few things and of course need to write.  It has definitely been one of those weeks.  It was the second full moon of March as well as the Spring Equinox.  I've had two more friends lose their fathers over this past week or so and I'm hoping that is all the funerals for a while.  Someone told me that eventually they get easier and I guess I hope that they do but I also in a way hope that they don't.  I hope that because I have been lucky to love so much, that any time I am faced with saying farewell to someone that it's not easy to do so.  I don't ever want to get "good" at goodbye.  

Faced with the fact that there is someone I just can't reach, I'm realizing how hard it must be for my friends when they want to comfort me and I retract into myself. I have become better at allowing them in however those closest to me know not to make it an option - they just show up.  Usually with bottles of wine or jars of frosting, they show up and know when I need to tell the story and when I need to just be distracted by theirs.  

I hosted Good Friday dinner here at my apartment again - 20 family members and friends jammed into my cozy space for fish tacos and margaritas.  I definitely feel grateful to have such amazing love in my life.  And even though Dad's laugh was missing, my heart was still full.  It is just another reminder of what love really is - when everyone just shows up with no expectations and lots of food & drink, ready to share a meal together.  There isn't any one of us that wouldn't say that we are lucky.  And tonight when we all gather together again, it will be more of the same.  Food, family, laughter and love.  Lots and lots of love.  

Thinking about today being about "rising again".  Sometimes it's hard to remember that we are all capable of rising again.  We think that because we are broken or jaded that we are lesser but really we are stronger for every fall we rise from.  Those moments that we feel completely overwhelmed by our lives is our biggest test.  I of course am thinking of a certain special someone today who I think is struggling with the idea of rising and i wish so much that I could wrap my arms around him.  But like me, he withdraws into his own space to heal and to grieve and I am doing my best to respect that boundaryI suppose today also being about faith reminds me to let go and have faith that by following my heart and keeping it open, that whatever love or friendship that is meant to be, will eventually be.  The resurrection of Jesus was a test of our faith - faith in rising again.  So as difficult as it is to watch someone we care about live in darkness, I do have faith in his strength even if he may doubt.  I have faith that he will rise again.  I need to remember the words I wrote on New Years - that if the only sweetness I get to share with him was the brief moments that we had, then I am grateful for the reminder that I don't want to give up on love just yet.  That I want to look into someone's eyes and see their vulnerability as well as their strength.  I want to remember the feeling of laying next to him with his arms around me, snuggled into my neck.  I am happy for the feeling of his hand on my face as he kisses me and the sound of his heart I hear when my head is on his chest.  That all of those moments were reminders that I want to love again and if our story is over, that I will forever be grateful for all of those memories which have inspired me to keep my heart open.  I too have risen again.  There has been heartbreak and disappointment - there has been such pain that I never thought I would welcome someone in again.  But he was that reminder that I want to hold someome as much as I want to be held.  That i want to be with someone who challenges and inspires me.  That even though I have fallen, I have risen again and I have faith.  Faith in love.  Faith that every ending is also a beginning.  Faith that what is meant to be, will be.  

17 March 2016

Emotional cutting....

I miss you so much today.  Today it's like an ache that hasn't left me no matter what I do to try to distract myself. I want to feel like you are there with me.  I'm listening to Celtic Thunder and remembering driving around with you playing it over and over again.  I remember the moment I heard it driving back to mom's the first day after losing you - Old Man was just the perfect song to honor you.  So here I am, glass of wine in hand and unable to sleep.  I'm watching the video from your funeral and reliving all the moments from that weekend of losing you.  There just aren't the words but sitting here watching the fullness of your life in the form of a slideshow makes my heart burst.  Mom attempted your corned beef dinner tonight but it was missing your touch.  We all did a shot (or two) of Jameson for you today - burned like a motherfucker going down but then nice and warm and cozy.  I haven't had whiskey since the morning of your funeral and likely the only times I ever will, will be to honour you. I would give just about anything to hear your laugh again Daddy or to hear you tell some cockamamie story just to hear your voice.  I carry you in my heart with me every day and I look for the dove always to know you are watching over us.  I wish so much that you were still with us but sitting here inflicting emotional pain of watching this slideshow over and over, I know that you were loved.  Even if there were dark moments when you struggled and when you maybe didn't believe it yourself, you were loved.  You were enough.  You were exactly the dad & husband that you needed to be. I carry your heart in my heart forever.  Happy St Patricks Day Dad xox xoxo   

09 March 2016

true colours

I will be the first to admit that I have no poker face and I cannot lie.  I decided long ago to be as honest as possible and to let of playing games or holding on to passive aggression.  I am a tell-it-like-it-is kinda gal.  Though my way to tell people what I'm thinking is usually some sort of note.  You see, I'm a letter writer - I'm much more expressive with the written word than anything else.  This has just been my way since I was a little kid - somewhere my mother has a stack of letters that were written and left on her pillow with random apologies or tales of my "feelings" through the years.  

I'm not sure if it's the new moon/full moon but I've been thinking a lot the past few days.  I've been contemplating the thought of knowing when to hold on and when to let go.  The quote that stuck with me, and that I keep replaying in my head, is this one by Maya Angelou.  I get easily swept up into my own ideas of people and often overlook the true qualities that they present.  I know I'm guilty of always looking for the best in people but sometimes I need to remember to actually see what someone is showing as their true colours.  It's just not always that easy to do - I want to connect with people and show them all the good that I see within them and hopefully help them to see it too.  But I know I sometimes need to be more of a realist and get my head out of the clouds.  I need to stop thinking so positively and remember that people do show their true selves - if they can't see the good that we see in them well then I have to accept that and learn to move forward. I have to stop making excuses. 

March 8th is the first lunar eclipse of the year.  It is not only a full moon but a Super Moon, signifying not only a time to plant new seeds but an eclipse is also a time to let go of old, stagnant energy.  The strong theme of this moon is relationships. Eclipses are dramatic tools that the universe uses to get us to pay attention to the areas in our lives that need change and often sheds light on areas of our lives that require change. An eclipse, especially a full moon lunar eclipse, will help you see the true character of someone close to you.  As difficult as it is to see someone's true colours if they are being shown to you, SEE them. Really see them.  New moons are a time of beginnings when we are encouraged to plant the seeds of what we hope to manifest within the new lunar cycle.  Combining this Pisces new moon with a supermoon signifies that it’s not just a new beginning, but a new life direction altogether.  We may have felt resistant to the change we could already sense coming by withdrawing into our old patterns of behavior. The super noon moon challenges us to face those demons and begin to move forward.  Whether we want to see the truth or not—there won’t be denying it any longer. The next month will hold ending and beginnings but remember that before anything can begin, something else must first end.

So maybe it isn't a coincidence that this moon comes just as spring begins to come into the air but it's definitely a time to take a look inward.  Spring cleaning of the heart perhaps.  It is never easy to let something or someone go but there is a part of me that knows I need to begin to open my eyes a little wider.  I need to see people for the person that they ARE not the person that I see in them.  I remind myself of the simple fact that I want someone to care about my day.  It is the smallest thing but yet hold so much value - perhaps because it was something I lacked for so long.  I don't need to be taken care of but I do want to be cared for.  It's time to refocus on what I need and stop only caring for others.  I don't need to be taken care of but I can't be with someone who only cares about themselves - I did that already.  Its' time to clean some space in my heart and let go of the energy that does not serve me.  The 30 day challenge begins next week - a solid month of coming to my mat and turning inward.  Time to make space in my heart for love of myself and those in my life.  Time to reconnect.  Time to spring forward.  Time for change. 

08 March 2016


Last week was a hard week.  Grams Fraser passed away, thankfully with Julie & Joe by her side.  I remember the moments of losing Nana so many years ago and how fresh it still feels, still sometimes yearning for another visit with her.  How peaceful those last moments were with her - holding her hand and whispering to her to go towards the sun.  How hard it was to let go. It's a powerful moment to share someone's last breath.  My heart ached so badly for Jules as I could her her sobbing through the service.  That deep, guttural cry that comes from the darkest part of you when grief has overcome you.  It was a lot of emotions and the grief still felt really fresh.  At one point my sister remarked that maybe this was too soon.  When Hallelujah played I reached out and held my mother & sisters hands as we all just sat there thinking of dad.  It's in those times though when I feel most grateful that at the very least I was so blessed in life to have people that I loved and now miss so much. 

This past year may have been a test to our friendship for Jules & I but I think between losing Dad and Grams I can gratefully say that we are back at the place where we once were.  There wasn't even a moment of hesitation through all of this.  I was there to be with Grams her final week while they were in Florida and then the moment that Jules texted she was gone I sprung into actionThat is the amazing thing about true friendships - you know to just pull up a chair or hold a hand.  It is in realizing that all we do for each other is cyclical and truly what goes around comes around.  The hands that we hold through the darkest moments are those we know we can truly count on.  I knew she needed me and I was there.  I was there with fresh cookies & coffee, to pour Prosecco, to look through photos, to hold her so she could finally cry and not the be the strong one for once.  I was there to know the exact Glade Candle that she needed to have because it reminded her of Grams, to sit and write the obituary because she just couldn't get in that head space and to make sure every detail that she needed to be perfect was done.  All of those things that you just step up and do because taking care is how I cope and that is what you do for the people you love.  That is how you get through these truly shitty moments of life

During Wilderness Girls Weekend this past month, there was a moment when the 4 others were playing cards and I was on the other side of the living room watching Trainwreck (yes again) and painting my nails.  And then all of a sudden the scene comes where she is giving her father's eulogy and remarks how her dad was a bit of an asshole and I just started to cry.  I couldn't keep it in and I had no where to run with wet toes so I just cried.  And my girls, knowing that me crying in front of them (in front of anyone really) was a big deal, also knew not to make a big deal of it.  Silently, Alissia walked over with a box of tissues and Christie refilled my afternoon glass of wine.  Everyone just continued on and that was that.  But I also knew that in that very moment, each of them was holding me in their heart and sending me love and that truly is all I needed to be carried through that moment. 
So as hard as it is for me to lean, I'm learning to let people help because it is truly how we get through. Sometimes letting those that care for us to be there helps them as much as it does us - that when their heart aches for us, allowing them to give comfort allows them to share the moment and the sorrow.  As the quote says, comfort doesn't take away the pain - we truly have to feel the pain in order to grieve and carry on - but comfort is knowing we have those to count on while we grieve.  That as lonely as grief is, we are not alone.  When these times come they also help us to become more introspective regarding what blessings we have in our life. How lucky we are to love people so much that it breaks our heart to lose them.  That the comfort of good friends and family will carry us in the moments that we are unable to walk.  It doesn't take the pain away but sometimes it makes it just that much more bearable.  I am so very very grateful for all those who loved me through my Dad's passing.  For those that realize that some days are still very hardI am so grateful.  xo