08 March 2016
Last week was a hard week. Grams Fraser passed away, thankfully with Julie & Joe by her side. I remember the moments of losing Nana so many years ago and how fresh it still feels, still sometimes yearning for another visit with her. How peaceful those last moments were with her - holding her hand and whispering to her to go towards the sun. How hard it was to let go. It's a powerful moment to share someone's last breath. My heart ached so badly for Jules as I could her her sobbing through the service. That deep, guttural cry that comes from the darkest part of you when grief has overcome you. It was a lot of emotions and the grief still felt really fresh. At one point my sister remarked that maybe this was too soon. When Hallelujah played I reached out and held my mother & sisters hands as we all just sat there thinking of dad. It's in those times though when I feel most grateful that at the very least I was so blessed in life to have people that I loved and now miss so much.
This past year may have been a test to our friendship for Jules & I but I think between losing Dad and Grams I can gratefully say that we are back at the place where we once were. There wasn't even a moment of hesitation through all of this. I was there to be with Grams her final week while they were in Florida and then the moment that Jules texted she was gone I sprung into action. That is the amazing thing about true friendships - you know to just pull up a chair or hold a hand. It is in realizing that all we do for each other is cyclical and truly what goes around comes around. The hands that we hold through the darkest moments are those we know we can truly count on. I knew she needed me and I was there. I was there with fresh cookies & coffee, to pour Prosecco, to look through photos, to hold her so she could finally cry and not the be the strong one for once. I was there to know the exact Glade Candle that she needed to have because it reminded her of Grams, to sit and write the obituary because she just couldn't get in that head space and to make sure every detail that she needed to be perfect was done. All of those things that you just step up and do because taking care is how I cope and that is what you do for the people you love. That is how you get through these truly shitty moments of life.
During Wilderness Girls Weekend this past month, there was a moment when the 4 others were playing cards and I was on the other side of the living room watching Trainwreck (yes again) and painting my nails. And then all of a sudden the scene comes where she is giving her father's eulogy and remarks how her dad was a bit of an asshole and I just started to cry. I couldn't keep it in and I had no where to run with wet toes so I just cried. And my girls, knowing that me crying in front of them (in front of anyone really) was a big deal, also knew not to make a big deal of it. Silently, Alissia walked over with a box of tissues and Christie refilled my afternoon glass of wine. Everyone just continued on and that was that. But I also knew that in that very moment, each of them was holding me in their heart and sending me love and that truly is all I needed to be carried through that moment.
So as hard as it is for me to lean, I'm learning to let people help because it is truly how we get through. Sometimes letting those that care for us to be there helps them as much as it does us - that when their heart aches for us, allowing them to give comfort allows them to share the moment and the sorrow. As the quote says, comfort doesn't take away the pain - we truly have to feel the pain in order to grieve and carry on - but comfort is knowing we have those to count on while we grieve. That as lonely as grief is, we are not alone. When these times come they also help us to become more introspective regarding what blessings we have in our life. How lucky we are to love people so much that it breaks our heart to lose them. That the comfort of good friends and family will carry us in the moments that we are unable to walk. It doesn't take the pain away but sometimes it makes it just that much more bearable. I am so very very grateful for all those who loved me through my Dad's passing. For those that realize that some days are still very hard. I am so grateful. xo