17 March 2016

Emotional cutting....

I miss you so much today.  Today it's like an ache that hasn't left me no matter what I do to try to distract myself. I want to feel like you are there with me.  I'm listening to Celtic Thunder and remembering driving around with you playing it over and over again.  I remember the moment I heard it driving back to mom's the first day after losing you - Old Man was just the perfect song to honor you.  So here I am, glass of wine in hand and unable to sleep.  I'm watching the video from your funeral and reliving all the moments from that weekend of losing you.  There just aren't the words but sitting here watching the fullness of your life in the form of a slideshow makes my heart burst.  Mom attempted your corned beef dinner tonight but it was missing your touch.  We all did a shot (or two) of Jameson for you today - burned like a motherfucker going down but then nice and warm and cozy.  I haven't had whiskey since the morning of your funeral and likely the only times I ever will, will be to honour you. I would give just about anything to hear your laugh again Daddy or to hear you tell some cockamamie story just to hear your voice.  I carry you in my heart with me every day and I look for the dove always to know you are watching over us.  I wish so much that you were still with us but sitting here inflicting emotional pain of watching this slideshow over and over, I know that you were loved.  Even if there were dark moments when you struggled and when you maybe didn't believe it yourself, you were loved.  You were enough.  You were exactly the dad & husband that you needed to be. I carry your heart in my heart forever.  Happy St Patricks Day Dad xox xoxo   

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