27 March 2016

He is Risen...

It is Easter morning and as I sit here quietly with my coffee and read, I begin to feel a few things and of course need to write.  It has definitely been one of those weeks.  It was the second full moon of March as well as the Spring Equinox.  I've had two more friends lose their fathers over this past week or so and I'm hoping that is all the funerals for a while.  Someone told me that eventually they get easier and I guess I hope that they do but I also in a way hope that they don't.  I hope that because I have been lucky to love so much, that any time I am faced with saying farewell to someone that it's not easy to do so.  I don't ever want to get "good" at goodbye.  

Faced with the fact that there is someone I just can't reach, I'm realizing how hard it must be for my friends when they want to comfort me and I retract into myself. I have become better at allowing them in however those closest to me know not to make it an option - they just show up.  Usually with bottles of wine or jars of frosting, they show up and know when I need to tell the story and when I need to just be distracted by theirs.  

I hosted Good Friday dinner here at my apartment again - 20 family members and friends jammed into my cozy space for fish tacos and margaritas.  I definitely feel grateful to have such amazing love in my life.  And even though Dad's laugh was missing, my heart was still full.  It is just another reminder of what love really is - when everyone just shows up with no expectations and lots of food & drink, ready to share a meal together.  There isn't any one of us that wouldn't say that we are lucky.  And tonight when we all gather together again, it will be more of the same.  Food, family, laughter and love.  Lots and lots of love.  

Thinking about today being about "rising again".  Sometimes it's hard to remember that we are all capable of rising again.  We think that because we are broken or jaded that we are lesser but really we are stronger for every fall we rise from.  Those moments that we feel completely overwhelmed by our lives is our biggest test.  I of course am thinking of a certain special someone today who I think is struggling with the idea of rising and i wish so much that I could wrap my arms around him.  But like me, he withdraws into his own space to heal and to grieve and I am doing my best to respect that boundaryI suppose today also being about faith reminds me to let go and have faith that by following my heart and keeping it open, that whatever love or friendship that is meant to be, will eventually be.  The resurrection of Jesus was a test of our faith - faith in rising again.  So as difficult as it is to watch someone we care about live in darkness, I do have faith in his strength even if he may doubt.  I have faith that he will rise again.  I need to remember the words I wrote on New Years - that if the only sweetness I get to share with him was the brief moments that we had, then I am grateful for the reminder that I don't want to give up on love just yet.  That I want to look into someone's eyes and see their vulnerability as well as their strength.  I want to remember the feeling of laying next to him with his arms around me, snuggled into my neck.  I am happy for the feeling of his hand on my face as he kisses me and the sound of his heart I hear when my head is on his chest.  That all of those moments were reminders that I want to love again and if our story is over, that I will forever be grateful for all of those memories which have inspired me to keep my heart open.  I too have risen again.  There has been heartbreak and disappointment - there has been such pain that I never thought I would welcome someone in again.  But he was that reminder that I want to hold someome as much as I want to be held.  That i want to be with someone who challenges and inspires me.  That even though I have fallen, I have risen again and I have faith.  Faith in love.  Faith that every ending is also a beginning.  Faith that what is meant to be, will be.  

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