28 March 2016

the one left behind

There is something about being left that changes you.  For a long time I struggled with the thought of why I wasn't enough to fight for.  Why was it easy for him to just walk away? Why did he let it go without wanting to try to make it work? Couldn't he sort out his issues and find a way back?  But then there is the other side to the story knowing deep down that our marriage wasn't happy and it wasn't even close to perfect.  I don't actually know that therapy would have even helped to regain any of that trust that he destroyed but for a long time there was a part of me that wondered "what if we tried".  There is just something about people who have felt this pain of being cheated on and left for someone else - there is a slight mistrust in anyone going forward.  A protective shield across your heart and a wonder if truly you are better off alone. I know there is a part of me that is always still learning how to balance the "holding on" versus the "letting go."

Part of my internal spring cleaning is letting go of hurt and relationships that no longer serve me.   Realizing that just because I felt so horrible in thinking that I wasn't worth fighting for, doesn't mean that I have to keep fighting for relationships that someone else isn't as invested in.  I find it hard to let go sometimes because I wonder if that person is feeling the same - wanting someone to fight for them.  Or perhaps they feel as though they don't deserve the fight and would be better off alone.  Maybe this is why it takes me so long to walk away from someone.  Perhaps it's just that "rainbows & unicorns" side of me always seeing so much good in people that I am blind to the negative things that are poking me in the ribs.  

I have to be more honest with myself - I have to stop making excuses and understanding where someone is coming from because that means I am again compromising me.  Everything is a lesson.  If we are together in any way, it shouldn't be weird to be friends on social media - sharing that should be normal.   Now I'm not a telephone person but I have to say that while dating TJ these past few months, it was nice to hear someone's voice at night.  But even with that relationship - it was great... until it wasn't.  Until all of a sudden there was sweetness and then there was nothing at all.  As grateful as I am to have certain people in my life, the ambiguity of not knowing what, if anything has grown between us, is hard to deal with.   I hate the thought of walking away from something that could be great but I have to realize that I can't be the only one that wants it to work out. 

I can't love someone for the person that they "almost are" or for the person that I see within them because almost doesn't count.  And if they aren't trying to see themselves as more then I can't keep hoping that they will.  Either space and time will bring us together or set us apart forever. 

To be friends with someone you care for is a great theory but in reality it will never work. At least not until both of you have found significant others.  As much as I want to have EhEh as a friend because I truly care about him - that desire to kiss him is still there.  I want more than anything to wrap my arms around him right now, kiss his forehead and rub his back until he feels better.  And that isn't friends.  The line has been blurry but I need to realize that if he doesn't want to date because he needs to heal then I need to let go and let him heal.  I don't want to just be friends - I want more and I need to be honest with myself about that. I know there is something between us but I need to respect his need for space.   It's like the attraction of potential.  Everyone I date, I don't feel the same connection as I did to him.  But is the man I want the original man that I met before all the death happened? The man that waited outside the restaurant before our first date and walked me home? Is it the man that snuggles on the couch and gently rubs my arms with his fingertips? Is the man who sent me a Scrabble Board love note? Or is that man gone? Does he exist only in my head if he never sees these things in himself? I'm creating the space in my heart to just allow things to come to be as they will be and accept that I can love people for the greatness I see in them but I just can't hold on to that alone.  

The "hugger" that I dated a few years back has been messaging me this past week or so and it's nice to hear from him I have to admit.  Perhaps it is the reminder that this was one guy that did actually think of me ahead of himself.  It was probably one of the only times anyone had really ever been so considerate of me and it could be what I need to remember.  So maybe it's the combination that I need to keep looking for - consideration from the Hugger, communication from TJ and connection from EhEh... For now, I just keep my heart open to giving and accepting the love that is in my world.  I need to regain focus on my 2016 word of CONTENTMENT and find my own happiness.  So I yet again learn to hold on and let go simultaneously, knowing that there is a power above us leading us all to each other.  Trust in the magic of new beginnings.  Trust in fate.  Trust in myself that I will eventually know when to protect my heart and when to keep it open to love.   

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