26 April 2016

single gal worries

Today I am trying to be thankful for good-byes.  Trying to find gratitude for "almost" relationships that never came to fruition.  Thankful for relationships that ended even if at the time I didn't want them to. Thankful that certain people didn't chose me because it forced me to chose myself.  I'm trying to remember that everything happens as it should and at the time it's needed to.  I embrace the need to let go of people, as some pass through our lives for just a short time.  But letting go without a goodbye isn't easy for me.  It's hard to let go when you saw so much that was possible.  It's hard to let go when someone allowed you to believe that there was something to hold on to.  I realize I may never get an actual goodbye from Eh - I may just have to write out the way that I feel and hope that it's enough to allow me to make room for new love.  

I went on a pretty great date with a pretty great guy.  It's funny how sometimes people who you barely know can make you see things that you didn't realize were missing. I don't need big gestures of romance but something as simple as JC reaching out to carry my leftovers and his hand at the small of my back as we made our way from the restaurant reminded me that I do want someone who is nice to me. As we sat on the couch and just talked for hours about almost everything felt so comfortable and real.  It was easy to just be.  Now I don't need to be taken care of but it is a lovely feeling to have someone care.  I got run off the road on my bike this weekend and the simple check in from JC to see how I was feeling reminded me that others never did that. 

It is interesting the things that you think of dating at 38 versus what I thought of upon my divorce at 33.  The possibilities seemed endless at that time! I still had my entire life ahead of me at 33 and yet here we are 5 years later and I feel like I'm making all of these important decisions that affect the rest of my life.  The biggest question of all is am I content not having children? The last three men I dated were very adamant about not wanting any more children.  Now those who know me best, know that fertility has never been a strength of mine and after 7+ years of trying to conceive I've made peace with the idea that I will likely never bear children.  Some days I am completely ok with it and some days it breaks my heart.  Some days I wonder why I'm not good enough to be a mom. What is wrong with me?

Is it weird to think of never celebrating mother's day? There's no Aunts Day where I'm going to get showered with pretty gifts and told how much I've made a difference in someones life.   I sometimes listen to things in Mom's Groups and wince thinking that would never be me.  Maybe I don't worry enough to be a good mom.  Am I too selfish now? I like that I am on my own schedule and I can go to yoga or hop on my bike whenever I want. Maybe I'm too calm or too lackadaisical? I mean I barely water my plants more than once a week....  I look at my nephew and I know I love him more than any person on the planet.  I adore watching him discover new things and hear him "ooooh" over something exciting and fun. It makes me sad to think of never experiencing that bond a mother has with a child. Does being just an aunt mean I'm on the sidelines my whole life? People ask me all the time why I don't have children - how do I answer that? No one wants them with me? God doesn't think I'm quite cool enough?  The morning after my dad died when I was on the phone with The Gift of Life people answering a zillion questions so that we could donate my father's eyes & skin, my aunts & uncles all gathered around my mom in support.  I remember hearing my aunt remark at how lucky my mom was that here I was calling all the relatives and making appointments and figuring things out so she could grieve.  And then she said how sad it was to think of people who never have any children because there was no one to care for them.  Well, I think right there my heart broke just that tiny bit more. I tried my fucking hardest to have a child - do I get any props for that?  And what if I never fall in love again or don't find a partner to share life with? Are people feeling sorry for me? Do they also wonder why no one loves me? When I die who takes care of all that? And then I go pretty dark and wonder who will say my eulogy when I die.  If I don't have kids or grandkids who's going to show the love? Any of you who were at my first wedding & witnessed her "speech", you know my sister certainly isn't going to stand up there to talk about me.   If I get in an accident, how long will it take for someone to notice that I don't come home.  Nothing like a bad spill off your bike to send you into an existential crisis .... 

Anyways, I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment and keep my heart open and remember that I'm ready.  I'm ready to take these walls down and find love again with someone who will be nice to me.  Someone who will allow me in rather than push & pull.  Someone who asks me about my day, who I can make laugh and who looks at all my idiosyncrasies and finds them endearing.  And if it does or doesn't involve children, I know that in the end I want a family.  If that is just me and a partner and pets, step children or none, that I just want to share my life with someone who makes me happy.  And in the end, there isn't more that I can ask for than happiness.   

23 April 2016

find your tribe....

I began this post a week ago and in the whirlwind I neglected to hist POST.  So a bit delayed, here are my thoughts.  This was my third moksha 30 day challenge that I participated in and though I didn't make it to my mat every day, I am very happy with the 28 times that I did! It's funny how it really becomes something greater than yoga.  How each of those hours spent on my mat has made me a stronger person physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Based on the series Avatar, the challenge was divided up into 4 tribes and each of us worked towards a greater goal of fundraising for the David Suzuki Foundation.  

During the first savasana of my last practice, Sarah reminded us that in addition to these challenges, that 'our practice is our life'.  Daily we "live our yoga".  It's been a year since I started to practice regularly at moksha and over that time I have found a whole additional part of myself.  It's evidenced more and more to me how in finding Moksha, I have truly found my tribe.  It's not just a yoga studio - it's a place of solace when my mind is all over the place, it's a place of friendship, it's laughter, it's wine after practice, it's balance. Those on the mat next to me have become more of a second family than fellow yogis.  I feel completely myself at this studio and with these people.  It's amazing how much better my day can be when it involves a little "namaste."

A few classes during this challenge stand out.  3x3 with live music where I may have shed a few tears through a James Bay song in pigeon pose. Fire Starter Kryia where I actually felt as though I was going to vomit in class and Alex next to me kept cheering me on and saying "we got this Lindsay, come on!" and then I encouraged the gal next to me.  Spring Solstice & 108 Sun Salutations that I did by proxy while in Florida but still channeled the energy of the people practicing at the studio.  And final Moksha Flow where I'm not kidding you that I belted out One Moment in Time by Whitney Houston and did a little dance in eagle pose to Will Smith's Summertime.  

It was during that last class, in the final savasana that I realized this was my tribe.  This is where I feel connected.  This is where I feel at home.  When my energy is low this is where I go to recharge.  When my head and heart are all over the map, moksha is where I regain my presence.  Walking in the studio I feel alive and I can't describe the feeling that comes into my heart when teachers or fellow yogis are so genuinely happy to see one another.  I don't know where I would be today without finding Moksha.  For every day I think I can't possibly take another step forward, yoga pushes me further.  When I think I can't nail a pose, I hear Mesia or Nena say "yeah..." and I try again. I am reminded every time I come to my mat that it is the journey of yoga that I love.  That each practice is creating space in my life and in my heart.  When I think I can't nail Fallen Angel and then boom! It's not perfect - nothing is - but it shows me how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.  Some days I am ecstatic about the ease of getting into headstand and some days I am humbled but the elusive crow.  But everyday is a new adventure, another step in the journey.  Each breath I am reminded of how far I have come and how each step in this journey of life is precious.  Yoga is creating space in my heart to always allow love to flow in and out.  I cannot say thank you enough to my tribe but I hope the energy and light I share with you shows my love.  Namaste. xo xo

13 April 2016

The last word....

The intention of practice last night was to actually practice without intention.  Because as with life, sometimes it just is.  It just is. Period.  C'est tout.  Sometimes we have to come to our mat just to be there.  Sometimes it's to see something in ourselves, sometimes to send light out to someone in need and sometimes it is to just simply be.  There are days (ok most days) where it is difficult to still ourselves and to still our minds - to just exist in the moment.  We are constantly looking ahead and making to-do lists or worrying about something that has passed rather than being there in that moment.  It is hard to just BE.

I believe that we are taught patience through learning that certain things can't be rushed.  For every aspect of our life, there is an actual purpose to when it occurs.  As a whole, we aren't a patient society.  We want things instantly - waiting for fruit to ripen isn't our strongest suit at times.  Often we want what we cannot have.  We seek love from people who aren't ready to open their hearts. We buy on credit rather than with money in the bank. We rush into new relationships rather than letting our hearts fully heal.  Most people are focused on what they do not have instead of finding gratitude for that which lay at their feet.  I read this statement today that said  "not everyone can stand next to the sun and endure it's warm rays - just as not every man can handle having a woman who is the best thing that has ever happened to him. Nothing can ever show him how much he deserved you, when he hadn't yet learned to love himself."  More and more I realize that in order to give love, a partner needs to be ready to also receive love.  Timing truly is everything.  And timing also is a bitch at times.  A letter I received from an old flame a few weeks ago gave truth to this.  Last year at this time, I would have given anything to hear him say "I choose you" although now in hindsight, I see it happened just as it was supposed to.  His words to me now were an apology.  It's not often that you hear someone admit that they should have seen what was in front of them, rather than indulge this need to keep searching to see if there was someone better out thereAlbeit a year too late, there is some sort of gratification in hearing someone that you so earnestly tried to love regret ever letting you go.  From that good bye, I have yet again learned what I deserve and what I desire from a partner.  

I have been struggling lately on how to relate back to my 2016 focus of contentment and living in the present moment.  It's challenging not to wonder why certain things didn't work out when they seemed so real.  It's hard not to want for more when we see others around us with what we desire.  Each day of this 30 day challenge has been spent attempting to stay present, to let go and most importantly, to stay open.  It has not been easy.  I've had some great practices and I've seen myself improve however I've also had moments where I've gotten quite down on myself, forgetting the pillar of yoga that is santosha (the journey).  As much as I want to find someone to partner with, maybe each person that I open my heart to is guiding me towards something greaterMaybe each experience is leading my journey.   I realize each time I attempt to move forward how hard it is for me not to have closure on something.  Seems the writer in me just always wants the last word.  I can honestly say that I would much rather have loved and lost then never to loved at all.  That said, I'm not one to argue so if you don't wish to continue being in my life, I will do my best to gracefully let you go however it likely won't be without wordsI find it hard to hold on to words unsaid.  It's as though they haunt me until the moment i can transfer them from my mind to paper.  Usually they are in the form of letters, many left unsent because it isn't that I need people to hear my words but rather that I simply need to release them.  There was a post online the other day about what it means to love a Libra and a big part of it was accepting that a Libras love will include the written word.  My first official book may just very well be a collection of letters as usually that is how I transform my thoughts into reality.  

With Mercedes cancer diagnosis last week, I'm yet again reminded that life is so very short and unpredictable - we should all be so lucky to have love in our lives.  Certainly I won't apologize for my heart that loves maybe a little too freely and a little too much.  I learned long ago to never change who I am just because it makes someone else uncomfortable.  So perhaps I just continue writing words left unsaid because in releasing them they also free me from holding on to that which isn't meant for me. My words allow me to move forward without regret and cause me to remember to see my own light.  Every moment on my mat, whether with intention or without, I am free to send that light into the universe because truly that is who I am.  Perhaps my letters should all be to the universe although I will likely still find solace in sending to those who come and go through my life.  Because even if it is hard for some to stand next to my light, I own that light.  I am that light and I refuse to change for anyone.  My heart is full and my cup runneth over.  My pen is inked and my words are many.  I will write to write and at times I'll hit send hoping that my words will bring my light to those who journey and those whose light is dim.   xo  

04 April 2016

Move the fuck on...

Move the fuck on. Today's mantra.  Sometimes it just takes one moment to realize that you are stuck in something that is not where you should be.  That you can see all the good things and all the possibility but at a certain point you have to stop analyzing or trying to figure out how to put things together and move the fuck on.  

This past week had it's ups and downs and I realized on Friday what kind of man I want in my life.  I think that makes it easier to walk away from what no longer serves me.  I don't want a friendship with someone that I wanted to love.  If it's not meant to be then it's meant to just be over. Then it's just time to move the fuck on.  

When faced with two friends who have been recently diagnosed with serious illness, I felt overwhelmed and so I went to my mat.  The past few weeks a gentleman that I used to "date" years ago has slowly been popping up in my world.  Out of the blue on Friday I receive a message from him asking if I am ok.  I realize then that Eh has not ever reached out to ask me if I was ok through any of this.  And with that I am reminded that this is in fact what I am searching for.  I don't need someone to take care of me but I do feel comforted in someone being considerate and kind and reaching out.  Maybe him coming back into my life is exactly what I need to see to remember what I want out of a relationship.  Eh is definitely too self-absorbed right now and as much as I see some wonderful qualities in him, I honestly don't think that he sees it himself.  When J knew that St Patrick's Day was hard for me, he made sure to reach out the next day to check in. This is the kind of man I want in my life.  Kind. Considerate. Adventurous. Positive.  We too often overlook the detrimental acts that people we care for do to us because we justify things based on what we see in them or what we are hoping for.  But we can't expect people to act the way that we perceive them - they act the way that they perceive themselves.  If we allow people to stay in our hearts that don't deserve to be there, then we don't have room available for anyone else to come in.  I know that I saw a lot of great things in Eh and I would have been a great balance and a great partner to him but I know now that this was yet again another learning experience.  When i wanted to give up on dating, I met Eh - full of intelligence and sarcasm and I was finally able to be myself with someone again.  I knew then that I wasn't ready to throw in the towel on dating.  But then all the death happened and everything changed. It went from great to difficult.   Nothing was perfect - there were many things about him that were not even close to perfect so I keep reminding myself of those facts.  What screws us up the most is the picture in our heads of that way we think things should be. Eh was the first person I saw a potential future with.  Someone I wanted to have conversations with and can pickles next to.  His were the first arms in a while where I just felt like I fit.  Everything said and done, I am grateful for the experience.  I am grateful for the reminder of what it feels like to open your heart to someone.  And now I clear the space for the person who is supposed to be there.  For the person who will make me feel safe and cared for.  Someone who will laugh at my jokes and dry my tears.  Someone who will ask me how my day was.  As for everything else, it's just time.  Time to move the fuck on.