04 April 2016

Move the fuck on...

Move the fuck on. Today's mantra.  Sometimes it just takes one moment to realize that you are stuck in something that is not where you should be.  That you can see all the good things and all the possibility but at a certain point you have to stop analyzing or trying to figure out how to put things together and move the fuck on.  

This past week had it's ups and downs and I realized on Friday what kind of man I want in my life.  I think that makes it easier to walk away from what no longer serves me.  I don't want a friendship with someone that I wanted to love.  If it's not meant to be then it's meant to just be over. Then it's just time to move the fuck on.  

When faced with two friends who have been recently diagnosed with serious illness, I felt overwhelmed and so I went to my mat.  The past few weeks a gentleman that I used to "date" years ago has slowly been popping up in my world.  Out of the blue on Friday I receive a message from him asking if I am ok.  I realize then that Eh has not ever reached out to ask me if I was ok through any of this.  And with that I am reminded that this is in fact what I am searching for.  I don't need someone to take care of me but I do feel comforted in someone being considerate and kind and reaching out.  Maybe him coming back into my life is exactly what I need to see to remember what I want out of a relationship.  Eh is definitely too self-absorbed right now and as much as I see some wonderful qualities in him, I honestly don't think that he sees it himself.  When J knew that St Patrick's Day was hard for me, he made sure to reach out the next day to check in. This is the kind of man I want in my life.  Kind. Considerate. Adventurous. Positive.  We too often overlook the detrimental acts that people we care for do to us because we justify things based on what we see in them or what we are hoping for.  But we can't expect people to act the way that we perceive them - they act the way that they perceive themselves.  If we allow people to stay in our hearts that don't deserve to be there, then we don't have room available for anyone else to come in.  I know that I saw a lot of great things in Eh and I would have been a great balance and a great partner to him but I know now that this was yet again another learning experience.  When i wanted to give up on dating, I met Eh - full of intelligence and sarcasm and I was finally able to be myself with someone again.  I knew then that I wasn't ready to throw in the towel on dating.  But then all the death happened and everything changed. It went from great to difficult.   Nothing was perfect - there were many things about him that were not even close to perfect so I keep reminding myself of those facts.  What screws us up the most is the picture in our heads of that way we think things should be. Eh was the first person I saw a potential future with.  Someone I wanted to have conversations with and can pickles next to.  His were the first arms in a while where I just felt like I fit.  Everything said and done, I am grateful for the experience.  I am grateful for the reminder of what it feels like to open your heart to someone.  And now I clear the space for the person who is supposed to be there.  For the person who will make me feel safe and cared for.  Someone who will laugh at my jokes and dry my tears.  Someone who will ask me how my day was.  As for everything else, it's just time.  Time to move the fuck on.

No comments:

Post a Comment