26 April 2016

single gal worries

Today I am trying to be thankful for good-byes.  Trying to find gratitude for "almost" relationships that never came to fruition.  Thankful for relationships that ended even if at the time I didn't want them to. Thankful that certain people didn't chose me because it forced me to chose myself.  I'm trying to remember that everything happens as it should and at the time it's needed to.  I embrace the need to let go of people, as some pass through our lives for just a short time.  But letting go without a goodbye isn't easy for me.  It's hard to let go when you saw so much that was possible.  It's hard to let go when someone allowed you to believe that there was something to hold on to.  I realize I may never get an actual goodbye from Eh - I may just have to write out the way that I feel and hope that it's enough to allow me to make room for new love.  

I went on a pretty great date with a pretty great guy.  It's funny how sometimes people who you barely know can make you see things that you didn't realize were missing. I don't need big gestures of romance but something as simple as JC reaching out to carry my leftovers and his hand at the small of my back as we made our way from the restaurant reminded me that I do want someone who is nice to me. As we sat on the couch and just talked for hours about almost everything felt so comfortable and real.  It was easy to just be.  Now I don't need to be taken care of but it is a lovely feeling to have someone care.  I got run off the road on my bike this weekend and the simple check in from JC to see how I was feeling reminded me that others never did that. 

It is interesting the things that you think of dating at 38 versus what I thought of upon my divorce at 33.  The possibilities seemed endless at that time! I still had my entire life ahead of me at 33 and yet here we are 5 years later and I feel like I'm making all of these important decisions that affect the rest of my life.  The biggest question of all is am I content not having children? The last three men I dated were very adamant about not wanting any more children.  Now those who know me best, know that fertility has never been a strength of mine and after 7+ years of trying to conceive I've made peace with the idea that I will likely never bear children.  Some days I am completely ok with it and some days it breaks my heart.  Some days I wonder why I'm not good enough to be a mom. What is wrong with me?

Is it weird to think of never celebrating mother's day? There's no Aunts Day where I'm going to get showered with pretty gifts and told how much I've made a difference in someones life.   I sometimes listen to things in Mom's Groups and wince thinking that would never be me.  Maybe I don't worry enough to be a good mom.  Am I too selfish now? I like that I am on my own schedule and I can go to yoga or hop on my bike whenever I want. Maybe I'm too calm or too lackadaisical? I mean I barely water my plants more than once a week....  I look at my nephew and I know I love him more than any person on the planet.  I adore watching him discover new things and hear him "ooooh" over something exciting and fun. It makes me sad to think of never experiencing that bond a mother has with a child. Does being just an aunt mean I'm on the sidelines my whole life? People ask me all the time why I don't have children - how do I answer that? No one wants them with me? God doesn't think I'm quite cool enough?  The morning after my dad died when I was on the phone with The Gift of Life people answering a zillion questions so that we could donate my father's eyes & skin, my aunts & uncles all gathered around my mom in support.  I remember hearing my aunt remark at how lucky my mom was that here I was calling all the relatives and making appointments and figuring things out so she could grieve.  And then she said how sad it was to think of people who never have any children because there was no one to care for them.  Well, I think right there my heart broke just that tiny bit more. I tried my fucking hardest to have a child - do I get any props for that?  And what if I never fall in love again or don't find a partner to share life with? Are people feeling sorry for me? Do they also wonder why no one loves me? When I die who takes care of all that? And then I go pretty dark and wonder who will say my eulogy when I die.  If I don't have kids or grandkids who's going to show the love? Any of you who were at my first wedding & witnessed her "speech", you know my sister certainly isn't going to stand up there to talk about me.   If I get in an accident, how long will it take for someone to notice that I don't come home.  Nothing like a bad spill off your bike to send you into an existential crisis .... 

Anyways, I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment and keep my heart open and remember that I'm ready.  I'm ready to take these walls down and find love again with someone who will be nice to me.  Someone who will allow me in rather than push & pull.  Someone who asks me about my day, who I can make laugh and who looks at all my idiosyncrasies and finds them endearing.  And if it does or doesn't involve children, I know that in the end I want a family.  If that is just me and a partner and pets, step children or none, that I just want to share my life with someone who makes me happy.  And in the end, there isn't more that I can ask for than happiness.   

No comments:

Post a Comment