13 April 2016

The last word....

The intention of practice last night was to actually practice without intention.  Because as with life, sometimes it just is.  It just is. Period.  C'est tout.  Sometimes we have to come to our mat just to be there.  Sometimes it's to see something in ourselves, sometimes to send light out to someone in need and sometimes it is to just simply be.  There are days (ok most days) where it is difficult to still ourselves and to still our minds - to just exist in the moment.  We are constantly looking ahead and making to-do lists or worrying about something that has passed rather than being there in that moment.  It is hard to just BE.

I believe that we are taught patience through learning that certain things can't be rushed.  For every aspect of our life, there is an actual purpose to when it occurs.  As a whole, we aren't a patient society.  We want things instantly - waiting for fruit to ripen isn't our strongest suit at times.  Often we want what we cannot have.  We seek love from people who aren't ready to open their hearts. We buy on credit rather than with money in the bank. We rush into new relationships rather than letting our hearts fully heal.  Most people are focused on what they do not have instead of finding gratitude for that which lay at their feet.  I read this statement today that said  "not everyone can stand next to the sun and endure it's warm rays - just as not every man can handle having a woman who is the best thing that has ever happened to him. Nothing can ever show him how much he deserved you, when he hadn't yet learned to love himself."  More and more I realize that in order to give love, a partner needs to be ready to also receive love.  Timing truly is everything.  And timing also is a bitch at times.  A letter I received from an old flame a few weeks ago gave truth to this.  Last year at this time, I would have given anything to hear him say "I choose you" although now in hindsight, I see it happened just as it was supposed to.  His words to me now were an apology.  It's not often that you hear someone admit that they should have seen what was in front of them, rather than indulge this need to keep searching to see if there was someone better out thereAlbeit a year too late, there is some sort of gratification in hearing someone that you so earnestly tried to love regret ever letting you go.  From that good bye, I have yet again learned what I deserve and what I desire from a partner.  

I have been struggling lately on how to relate back to my 2016 focus of contentment and living in the present moment.  It's challenging not to wonder why certain things didn't work out when they seemed so real.  It's hard not to want for more when we see others around us with what we desire.  Each day of this 30 day challenge has been spent attempting to stay present, to let go and most importantly, to stay open.  It has not been easy.  I've had some great practices and I've seen myself improve however I've also had moments where I've gotten quite down on myself, forgetting the pillar of yoga that is santosha (the journey).  As much as I want to find someone to partner with, maybe each person that I open my heart to is guiding me towards something greaterMaybe each experience is leading my journey.   I realize each time I attempt to move forward how hard it is for me not to have closure on something.  Seems the writer in me just always wants the last word.  I can honestly say that I would much rather have loved and lost then never to loved at all.  That said, I'm not one to argue so if you don't wish to continue being in my life, I will do my best to gracefully let you go however it likely won't be without wordsI find it hard to hold on to words unsaid.  It's as though they haunt me until the moment i can transfer them from my mind to paper.  Usually they are in the form of letters, many left unsent because it isn't that I need people to hear my words but rather that I simply need to release them.  There was a post online the other day about what it means to love a Libra and a big part of it was accepting that a Libras love will include the written word.  My first official book may just very well be a collection of letters as usually that is how I transform my thoughts into reality.  

With Mercedes cancer diagnosis last week, I'm yet again reminded that life is so very short and unpredictable - we should all be so lucky to have love in our lives.  Certainly I won't apologize for my heart that loves maybe a little too freely and a little too much.  I learned long ago to never change who I am just because it makes someone else uncomfortable.  So perhaps I just continue writing words left unsaid because in releasing them they also free me from holding on to that which isn't meant for me. My words allow me to move forward without regret and cause me to remember to see my own light.  Every moment on my mat, whether with intention or without, I am free to send that light into the universe because truly that is who I am.  Perhaps my letters should all be to the universe although I will likely still find solace in sending to those who come and go through my life.  Because even if it is hard for some to stand next to my light, I own that light.  I am that light and I refuse to change for anyone.  My heart is full and my cup runneth over.  My pen is inked and my words are many.  I will write to write and at times I'll hit send hoping that my words will bring my light to those who journey and those whose light is dim.   xo  

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