14 August 2016

learning to fly

I've kept my writing to myself these past few months - I'm not sure if it's because it's because there has been just so much to feel or if I just need more time to swirl it around my head before it becomes real.  Sometimes I feel like if I share it, it becomes more concrete because it's out there in the universe. I've begun cooking for two again.  It feels wonderful and exciting and I'm scared as shit. My heart has been waiting. Some times more patiently than other times. Some days more full of hope than the last. And I feel like this is who I have been waiting for. 

This past week - Kirk dying so unexpectedly at such a young age really frightened me.  I feel like with every death now, there is this whole additional anxiety that sets in.  Now that I see myself caring for JC so much - that I worry what if we do fall in love and get married and then he's taken from me? Could I survive that better than I could live through him leaving me? Why is there is constant fear that to love him, means I will one day lose him? Why am I so afraid all the time now? This overwhelming feeling of loss happens because I see Jill and the kids and I know what they feel.  I know how much moving on hurts and how some days you just ache for that person.  I was lucky to have 38 years with my dad and they, they didn't get enough.  Kirk didn't get to see all the things in their life.  He didn't get to walk his girl down the aisle or tell his son how to love a lady properly.  He didn't get to teach all the lessons and see all the moments.  And there is a part of me that just feels like life is too god damn unfair sometimes.  Peggy's cancer is back. Mercedes is still fighting one day at a time. Some days it feels like there is no rhyme or reason in what happens to whom.  Bad things happen to very good people.  

You learn to drive at 16 because you are fearless.  There isn't the thought in your mind of who you could hurt or what kind of responsibility it is to be behind the wheel.  Falling in love is no different.  Now, a bit battered and slightly bruised, it's harder to allow myself to go all in.  I am knowingly holding back because there is a part of me that is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared every day that the moment will come that he'll say to me "I changed my mind." But as a wise friend told me - there will be hard times in any relationship - don't create them yourself.  Stay present.  Stay in this moment and enjoy it and as hard as it is don't think ahead or make up problems.  Allow it to just be.  I cannot live with the constant thought of dread because that will take away all the joy that exists there in those moments.

13 August 2016

campfire gratitude

** Lol the post is uber delayed in publishing ** The past month has been a little crazy to say the very least.  I feel like so much has changed; because really it has. I hired people to work in my shop so I could take a new job back in the public sector for a few months.  I've been dating someone new who literally amazes me with his kindness and sweet nature.  I did my third Ride to Conquer Cancer; crushing 200+ km of cycling while raising over $3000 dollars for cancer research.  Then I had to put my adorable little puppy down (ok he was almost 15 but felt like a puppy!) and my heart hurts like crazy without him.  We are away a the cottage for the week - today is cold and rainy so it's the perfect afternoon to catch up on work and on writing a little bit.  

Last night Justin and I sat by the fire and sipped a beer - just chatting about pretty much everything.  Family, work, life, love... I like that I can ask him his opinion on boys and get a straight answer.  I know that as I date anyone my family and my friends are very protective of me but I know it's out of love.  They can see how much I've held back the last few years.  How close I've held my heart because I'm unsure that it if were broken again, if I could pick those pieces back up again.  I look at these past few years and almost relationships that never really became real - maybe as much as I blamed the guys for being the issue, maybe I picked wrong because I was afraid of picking right.  

Spending all those hours on a bike give a girl lots of time to think and I honestly spent so much of that time in the saddle feeling grateful.  There was sun on my skin and great people by my side.  There is this feeling growing inside of me that hasn't been here in ages.  I thought a lot about Mercedes and Peggy and sent so much of my love to them and drew upon their strength to get me through.  I missed my dad so much.  There were a lot of moments of asking him for a little push up those hills of the escarpment and tears of pride when I'd get to the top.  I know deep down that he would have been proud of me but what I wouldn't give to just hear him say "good job kid" one more time.  What I wouldn't give to have gone for a last ride with him.  To share those moments with him that were such a part of my childhood.  Life goes on every day but there are so many moments that I just want to curl up next to him and snuggle.  I want to make him laugh - that laugh that was bigger than life.  To see him lumber up the stairs when I came in the door and say "Hi Kid, what's up?" Just five more minute with him to say I love you.  My heart literally hurts some days missing him. Some days it's just hard to let go.  

I am grateful for the 66 years that he lived.  I'm grateful for the 38 years that I had him as a dad.  That we shared so many great moments as a family.  And for even the hard times when we came together in support.  We were blessed and I try to just keep all the memories close at heart.  To keep sharing those memories with those around me and with new people in my life because that keeps a part of him alive for me.  If I can share stories about him, he is still close at heart.  He's just of reach for a hug but he's with me.  Whether it be cleaning his garage or riding on the bike, I can feel him there with me.  Truly as he promised, he'll accompany me forever.  At my side and in my heart.