13 August 2016

campfire gratitude

** Lol the post is uber delayed in publishing ** The past month has been a little crazy to say the very least.  I feel like so much has changed; because really it has. I hired people to work in my shop so I could take a new job back in the public sector for a few months.  I've been dating someone new who literally amazes me with his kindness and sweet nature.  I did my third Ride to Conquer Cancer; crushing 200+ km of cycling while raising over $3000 dollars for cancer research.  Then I had to put my adorable little puppy down (ok he was almost 15 but felt like a puppy!) and my heart hurts like crazy without him.  We are away a the cottage for the week - today is cold and rainy so it's the perfect afternoon to catch up on work and on writing a little bit.  

Last night Justin and I sat by the fire and sipped a beer - just chatting about pretty much everything.  Family, work, life, love... I like that I can ask him his opinion on boys and get a straight answer.  I know that as I date anyone my family and my friends are very protective of me but I know it's out of love.  They can see how much I've held back the last few years.  How close I've held my heart because I'm unsure that it if were broken again, if I could pick those pieces back up again.  I look at these past few years and almost relationships that never really became real - maybe as much as I blamed the guys for being the issue, maybe I picked wrong because I was afraid of picking right.  

Spending all those hours on a bike give a girl lots of time to think and I honestly spent so much of that time in the saddle feeling grateful.  There was sun on my skin and great people by my side.  There is this feeling growing inside of me that hasn't been here in ages.  I thought a lot about Mercedes and Peggy and sent so much of my love to them and drew upon their strength to get me through.  I missed my dad so much.  There were a lot of moments of asking him for a little push up those hills of the escarpment and tears of pride when I'd get to the top.  I know deep down that he would have been proud of me but what I wouldn't give to just hear him say "good job kid" one more time.  What I wouldn't give to have gone for a last ride with him.  To share those moments with him that were such a part of my childhood.  Life goes on every day but there are so many moments that I just want to curl up next to him and snuggle.  I want to make him laugh - that laugh that was bigger than life.  To see him lumber up the stairs when I came in the door and say "Hi Kid, what's up?" Just five more minute with him to say I love you.  My heart literally hurts some days missing him. Some days it's just hard to let go.  

I am grateful for the 66 years that he lived.  I'm grateful for the 38 years that I had him as a dad.  That we shared so many great moments as a family.  And for even the hard times when we came together in support.  We were blessed and I try to just keep all the memories close at heart.  To keep sharing those memories with those around me and with new people in my life because that keeps a part of him alive for me.  If I can share stories about him, he is still close at heart.  He's just of reach for a hug but he's with me.  Whether it be cleaning his garage or riding on the bike, I can feel him there with me.  Truly as he promised, he'll accompany me forever.  At my side and in my heart. 

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