14 August 2016

learning to fly

I've kept my writing to myself these past few months - I'm not sure if it's because it's because there has been just so much to feel or if I just need more time to swirl it around my head before it becomes real.  Sometimes I feel like if I share it, it becomes more concrete because it's out there in the universe. I've begun cooking for two again.  It feels wonderful and exciting and I'm scared as shit. My heart has been waiting. Some times more patiently than other times. Some days more full of hope than the last. And I feel like this is who I have been waiting for. 

This past week - Kirk dying so unexpectedly at such a young age really frightened me.  I feel like with every death now, there is this whole additional anxiety that sets in.  Now that I see myself caring for JC so much - that I worry what if we do fall in love and get married and then he's taken from me? Could I survive that better than I could live through him leaving me? Why is there is constant fear that to love him, means I will one day lose him? Why am I so afraid all the time now? This overwhelming feeling of loss happens because I see Jill and the kids and I know what they feel.  I know how much moving on hurts and how some days you just ache for that person.  I was lucky to have 38 years with my dad and they, they didn't get enough.  Kirk didn't get to see all the things in their life.  He didn't get to walk his girl down the aisle or tell his son how to love a lady properly.  He didn't get to teach all the lessons and see all the moments.  And there is a part of me that just feels like life is too god damn unfair sometimes.  Peggy's cancer is back. Mercedes is still fighting one day at a time. Some days it feels like there is no rhyme or reason in what happens to whom.  Bad things happen to very good people.  

You learn to drive at 16 because you are fearless.  There isn't the thought in your mind of who you could hurt or what kind of responsibility it is to be behind the wheel.  Falling in love is no different.  Now, a bit battered and slightly bruised, it's harder to allow myself to go all in.  I am knowingly holding back because there is a part of me that is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared every day that the moment will come that he'll say to me "I changed my mind." But as a wise friend told me - there will be hard times in any relationship - don't create them yourself.  Stay present.  Stay in this moment and enjoy it and as hard as it is don't think ahead or make up problems.  Allow it to just be.  I cannot live with the constant thought of dread because that will take away all the joy that exists there in those moments.

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