22 September 2016

On the eve of 39....

Here we go, the last year of my 30s is about to begin. I have my trusty 40 before 40 list written out.  It's the eve of my 39th birthday and today has been a day thinking of so many things. I realize that I am very lucky that tomorrow I will wake up another year older, wiser, and stronger. I thought it would be different this year in that I imagined I'd be able to wake up to a happy birthday kiss but alas I head to bed on my own I don't know what it is about days like birthdays or Christmas morning but I absolutely dread waking up solo those days.  It does, however, give me the chance to reflect tonight – another year of experience is behind me. A year of love and friendship, of great loss and more growth. Another year lies here ahead of me - full of possibilities and adventures. I'm about to head out to yoga in an attempt to refocus on all of my blessings and appreciate all that I have rather than think of that which I may wish for.

I have learned more about my own true self in these past 365 days. I am thankful for every hello and every goodbye, as each one has shaped me into the woman I am today. Today, and I'm sure tomorrow I miss my father more than I could ever of have imagined I would. I take these moments to be grateful to have had his love but my heart aches so much this week. I'm really struggling with turning a year older and not still being the age I was when he died.  It just seems so weird to start a year in which he doesn't exist. I have cried so much this week that you'd think I'd be fresh out of tears. 

But today is also the fall solstice and a time to reflect on all that lies ahead. A time to be present. I think that this next month will be a struggle as this first year closes in. I pray for the strength to get through it and to help my mother deal with this closure.  I remember the analogy that grief never ends, that it's like the tide. Some days it's calm and unobtrusive and other days the waves crash so hard that they knock you over. Today is one of the rough days. But tomorrow is a new day. It is my birthday and I am so very grateful for all that I have, for the strength of my body, for the tenacity of my heart and for the courageous soul that lies within me.  I am blessed to see the sun rise again tomorrow and to enjoy a day of my favourite things and people - some are just in heaven this year. Shine down tomorrow dad. xo

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