21 September 2016

regrets....

For some reason today I can't shake this feeling of regret.  I don't know if it's because of the fact that I haven't been sleeping well this week, my looming 39th birthday or if I should blame it all on my period.  But today, driving into work I am overcome with this awful feeling that I just can't shake. I'm trying to find some sort of meaning in this so that I don't let it completely overwhelm me because as the day goes on it's getting harder and harder to retain my composure and not crumple into tears (as I did earlier in my car.) I wish I could make it to my yoga mat tonight but I cannot and so I turn to writing in hopes to provide a bit of clarity to my jumbled up mind.  I found these words and I keep reading them to myself because it helps me to realize that regret is a normal feeling and I just need to accept it.  

I regret not fighting for myself and for what I deserved when I left Tim. I regret that I didn't stick up for myself because I felt like I just wanted to hide from this feeling of failure and panic. I regret that I'm not a fighter.  That I let him abuse me and take advantage of me and when he said it was over I just packed my bags and walked away.  I let him get away with it all - he didn't have to take responsibility for any of his actions or be held accountable.  I wanted to believe that he would stay true to his word and just give me my fair half of things and pay his fair half for what we owed.  I wanted to feel that in the end, I had what made me richer - the love of my family and friends, my own self-respect and the knowledge that I did it on my own. And yet today, when just another bill collector comes calling for him and I'm obligated to pay I feel like a weight has been dropped on my chest and like I'll never get out of the hole he dug me into.  I regret being so proud.  Too proud to ask for help.  Too scared to fight for myself.  I look at who I have become now, 6 years later and I regret like hell not having the courage to go after what would have been fairly mine.  Now that this still looms over my head and I feel like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill I hate that I let him take advantage of me yet again.  

I don't need to be rich - far from it but I work my tail off and I just want to breathe easier.  I just want to be able to have a comfortable life, where paying bills every month doesn't give me complete anxiety.  I want to be able to not feel so guilty in wanting to buy myself a $100 pair of boots that I try them on 3 times while in the store and ultimately leave without them, telling myself that I'll just polish up the ones that I have and when there's extra I'll treat myself even though I know I won't.  I am a professional and a business owner.  I am a grown up.  This is not where I should be at this point in my life.  I should be making a good salary and have money saved for retirement.  I should not drive a 15-year-old hatchback and live in an apartment.  I should have a solid career. 

I can't believe that I married a man who would be so awful to me.  Who would take such advantage to be unfaithful, to spend our assets and acquire debt and leave me to pick up the pieces.  Someone who promised to always take care of me who could care less about the stress it puts me under and about what I had to endure post-divorce to get my life back in order as he just continued to live in our home, spend our money and sell off our assets without providing anything for me.  He fucked up and I paid the price.  And as much as I believe in karma and tell myself that that ultimately he will get what is coming to him for the way that he treated me, today I just feel like I got the shit end of the proverbial stick.  I look at my girlfriends who have married these wonderful men who take care of everything. They make good money and ensure that they have a nice home and a nice car to drive, that they can go on vacations and that they have money saved for a rainy day.  Husbands who say "go out shopping with your girls and buy yourself something nice." They have partnerships. They have someone who looks out for them and cares about their lives.  I look at them and I wonder if I'll ever have that. For the first time in so many years now I see this possibility and I am so scared that he'll see what I financial fuck up I am.  And as much I am determined to get out of this and I know that in 3 years I will be debt free, I worry so much that this will be what makes him go running rather than tell me it will be ok and help me figure it out.  

I regret allowing it to become overwhelming and not getting a handle on it earlier because if I had maybe I wouldn't be so worried that this could make me lose someone who I want to share my life with.  I regret not fighting for me, for standing up for what I deserved or for what was fair.  He just got away with it all and has moved on to this new life while I still pick up the pieces of what was destroyed by his actions.  Maybe it's just the fact that I'm turning another year older Friday and I am certainly not at a place where I thought I would be in my life.  Or maybe because it's the first time in a long time I feel like I've finally found something that I cherish and I'm scared to lose it.  Maybe it's just a shitty day where i can't stop crying at my desk but I have to get these thoughts out of my head and the only way I can do that is to write. I know that this feeling of regret reminds me that I always have something left to learn and I remind myself that I did what I thought best at that time and again had I done things different or if life had been different I wouldn't be exactly the person I am in this moment.  That as much as the past decade feels like an absolute struggle, I am stronger.  I am braver.  I am more me.  I need to let go of regret and remember that all of these moments happened FOR me to get me right here.  That I have learned from all of this and I continue to even in these moments of self-doubt.  I have to believe that as long as I keep fighting now and keep perservering that eventually this weight will lift.  That the fear will subside and maybe that this man of numbers will help me sort it out in a way to move forward rather then go running for the hills.  Through it all I have to remember those words that have kept me moving - that I fly by my own wings.  That within me I have the strength needed and that I may have just been treading water but I've managed to keep my head above water and eventually I will be able to just swim.  Maybe there is still a bit of self-forgiveness that needs to happen.  For now I need to just keep hustling and know that my original thought is still true - my richness may not come in the form of dollars but in what is actually priceless.... 

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