17 September 2016

There you are...

Earlier this month was JC & I's first adventure and we spent it in Chicago! It was actually lovely to get to just share time together, to be silly and laugh, to hold hands & explore and to get to fall asleep together every night.  The more time I spend with him, I realize how happy I am with him.  

For the longest time after Tim I couldn't picture ever marrying someone again.  I thought that it was just something I didn't need or want again.  Now here I am, sharing these moments with this wonderful man and for the first time I know it is what I wantI want that partnership and that commitment.  I think I told myself I didn't want it because realistically any of the men I dated between then and now I wasn't confident that they would be someone I could see myself with forever or secure that they would remain faithful to a marriage.  

One of my activity choices while we were in Chicago was to practice yoga at the planetarium, under the stars.  Thus crossing one of the to-do's off my 40 Things to Do Before 40 list.  It was a pretty magical experience and truth be told I could have geeked it up there all day! But to be there, looking up at the magic of the universe above us and knowing that JC was there practicing beside me, I decided that I needed to move on from any fear. He was there because this was something important to me.  He came up with this adventure for us to do together because he is sweet and lovely and generous.  I have never experienced having someone in my life so genuine and kind. 

Much of the past 6 years during my singlehood, I have been faced with the question of what I am "looking for" in a partner.  My answers were always quite simple.  I want to find someone who wants to go on adventures with me and someone who asks about my day.  The simplicity of wanting a partner who is kind and nice to me seemed to prove challenging.  Until now. 

I feel like each person I have met, dated or had feelings for was meant to come into my life to bring me here.  Even Tim.  I would likely never appreciate things like commitment, honesty and kindness without seeing how deliberately those things were missing from my marriage.  I have become so much more "me" because of all that I have endured, because of the journey and the work I have done to heal and to grow.  Truly life happens for us, not to us.  I do feel like it all has to happen to get us to where we need to be in life.  So as much as heartbreak sucks and as difficult as the past 5 years have been with all this change and loss, I finally feel like I'm coming out on top.  The fog has cleared. My heart feels light and full and happy.  

There was a moment on our trip where I finally knew that it was time, time to love again.  As much as over the past 6 months, allowing someone new into my heart again has left me, at times, hesitant and afraid.  As much as I have struggled finding that place where love trumps fear sometimes there comes this one moment of clarity that reminds me of how far I have truly come along this path of life.  Five years ago I wrote this post entitled "Love Trumps Fear" and I realize it's not just me that is scared.  Here I am, on a new adventure and I feel like I have found the man that my heart has been waiting for.  There is this moment where I realize I have been holding my breath for too long.  Slowly I exhale.  There you are.  xo

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