16 September 2016

tu me manques.....

In french they don't use the words "I Miss You", rather they say "Tu Me Manques" which translates to "you are missing from me."  I'm assuming it is because of my impending birthday but all I can think about lately is just how much I miss my dad.  All of a sudden all I can feel is how much he is missing from my life.  It overwhelms me in yoga. Sometimes I just start crying when I'm driving home from work and a song comes on that reminds me of him or when something good happens and I realize that I just want to tell him about it. There are so many moments where I feel him missing from me.

I was driving with mom the other day and she casually noted how crazy it is to think that it has almost been a year since he's gone.  How can that be? I feel like it just happened yesterday.  It's still so raw and vivid.  How can it already be a whole year since he's not been with us? How have all of these first things passed so quickly? Soon I will no longer be the age I was when we lost him.  It's like New Years when I couldn't imagine entering a year where he will never be.  So often, I do feel like he is missing from me, even if he's still in my heart.  I just want to hear him call me 'kid'.  I want to hear that giant, boisterous laugh and snuggle up next to him.  I want to hear him yell at me for sitting on the counter.  I want him here.  I want him to see how Davis is his spitting image and how happy both of his girls are.  I want him to see just how strong mom has been and be proud of her.  I just want my dad.  

Sometimes there are moments when I don't even think of him which scares me even more - that realization that days go by and he doesn't cross my mind.  I know my life has to go on without him but then I also don't want to lose him.  I don't want to forget to think of him or to miss him.  As I struggle to let go, I keep trying to think of the meaning behind his sudden death.  I think of how I was getting ready to leave Windsor again this same time last year.  How I thought that career and love for me must reside elsewhere.  So maybe he left to make me stay.  Maybe that was what needed to happen for me to know I couldn't leave again.  Maybe it's the reason I've now found career possibilities and love here.  Maybe as much as I am missing him from me, it is exactly what needed to happen for me to stay.  Maybe it's what needed to happen for all of us to realize things about ourselves and about each other.  My head understands that life must go on and continue to move forward but sometimes my heart needs extra time to catch up.  My heart needs to remember that as much as I feel him missing from me, that I need to be grateful to have had such a love that I feel the ache.  And as much as I miss him, he is always with me.  I carry him with me always.  I carry his heart, in my heart. 

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