17 October 2016

365 days later....

A year ago my phone rang and rang in the middle of the night - my mother calling me to come help her as my father took his last breaths.  

I remember everything in complete detail.  From picking up my sister and driving to the hospital, thinking this must have been some sort of allergic reaction - not thinking that this was serious.  

I remember the plaid shirt and tights that I threw on to leave the house as quickly as possible. 

I remember walking into the ER and the lady instantly directing us to the waiting room where my mother, aunt and uncle sat.  The cardiac doctor who came back to the room and non-nonchalantly said "well we've lost him" and we sat in shock not completely understanding what was happening until I said the words "is he dead?" for actual clarity.  

We walked with my mom to go and see him - she took his had and cried in disbelief. I had to stand in the hall and try not to vomit.  

I still remember the words I said calling his brother to tell him what happened.  There is no easy way to break that kind of news. And yet it was my job to break that news over, and over again to everyone we loved the most. 

I remember taking my sister home and then going to my parents to put my mother to bed.  I cleaned the living room floor where they attempted CPR and laundered the sheets from his bed. 

I remember my aunt bustling in the door the next morning with her actual pot of brewed coffee and how within minutes the house was full.  I called family and the funeral home and Trillium.  I got my mom a book to write all the details in and track who she needed to thank.  

Some people talk of the fog they were in the days after they lost loved ones and yet I remember it all with absolute clarity, as though none of this was a year ago but more like last week.  

I remember the taste of whiskey on my lips, warming my belly and giving me the courage to say these final words; Words to My Father.

A year ago already. 

Miss you buddo xo xo

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