So much of my time over the past few years has been spent studying relationships and meditating on what kind of person I want to be and who I want to share life with. This may be the first time that I am having these feelings again but perhaps it is a good time to step back, re-focus and ensure to stay present. You can hold love for someone in so many ways and at so many levels. That love develops and changes over all kinds of time and perhaps, though I really am enjoying my time with JC and I have come to care about him a lot, I need to evaluate if I am in love or if I simply hold love for him. Admittedly, I tend to care deeply for people - friends, family, colleagues - and sometimes I may hold love too easily and end up hurt in the process. That said, I have also learned so much from each experience and given the chance, I wouldn't change things.
Laying awake all night was a bit of an active meditation for me. I replayed conversations, I tried to look at things from the other point of view to see how I could have given the wrong idea, and I reflected on what I can do going forward. I have not been conscious of the words I have said, which may have implied meanings that I did not intend. I now realize that I need to pay more attention to myself. I have not been staying present in any of this. I have allowed myself to get swept up and carried away. The words "I am unsure" definitely did not feel great to hear but it did make me reflect and ask myself was I sure? What do the words actually mean? I am sure that I want to currently be in this relationship and get to know JC more, I want to see what develops and I want to potentially pursue this further. I do have questions that I still need to answer to know if he is who I can see something long-term with. The only thing I am sure of is that I do want a forever with someone again, when for long I thought it wasn't something that I desired again.
These are all lessons. It's amazing how much one can learn from Google at 3am - my search history is now even crazier than usual! I need to be more present, not only with my words but understanding how they can come across to others. I may think I'm having an innocent discussion on the value of my apartment vs moving to something smaller and it could come across as 'let me move in here'. I may get frustrated after a day of rushing around that I forgot things that I need, and in my expression of that, it could come across as frustration with the pace of our relationship when really I just was tired and hate rushing. Yes sometimes when I'm over I do wish that I had things with me that aren't there. But maybe rather than simply just thinking I can leave things there, I need to realize that this may come off as pushy. So I can easily go back to just a nightie and a toothbrush in the small drawer. I will make an effort to think of the implications of the words out of my mouth and even on here. I will not assume that just because it's the weekend, that he wants me to stay over and I will wait for an invitation. I will welcome both of us to spend more time at my apartment so that it doesn't feel like I'm never there. As comfortable as staying in a relaxing is, I still want date nights out and I want conversations to get to know parts of each other more. That there is no need to rush and I am content with the process of discovering each other and our relationship together.
So as much as it felt like a punch in the gut this weekend to hear the words "I'm still unsure," perhaps it's not translated to him saying "I think we should end this" (as was my first thought) and maybe it's just let's keep going slow to see if we work. Maybe we all need to be more conscious about the words we say and what they come across as to others. It's been a reminder that my journey and my own self-development is ongoing every day as I read, as I write and the time spent on my yoga mat. I'm currently doing the work so I may learn lessons at a different pace. Journeys to our self are through our pasts, through our fears, and within our own hearts.