23 November 2016
Country love songs....
It’s funny how much music can bring you back to a certain time, place or person. Driving to work this morning, a song came on the radio that took me back to this one perfect (or seemingly perfect) moment and I felt like all of a sudden there was a rock on my chest.
There is the starry-eyed dreamer part of me that wants to believe that all of those happy moments with JC were real but then there is the hurt, possibly jaded part of me that is trying to make peace with the fact that perhaps it was all in my imagination. I’ve tried for so long to suppress that die-hard romantic side of me - the side that wants the kind of love as in a country love song. I thought it was fate that we found our way back to each other, now at a time where the paths of our lives seemed to be on the same track. The right-brained idealist who thought that it was a sign that this was meant to be - that our lives kept colliding because we were destined to care for each other, that we were opposites, attracted to love the differences in each other. That where he struggled with relationships, I was there to bring that out of him.
There is this image in my head of John Cusack in Say Anything – standing outside the window of the girl he loves, holding his ghetto blaster over his head blaring “In Your Eyes”. I suppose I dream of that kind of love – I want someone who would fight for me, someone who wouldn’t readily just walk away. Someone who wanted to talk things through and figure them out rather than give up as it seems most men I have loved do. I don’t need lots of expensive gifts or big grand gestures but every so often I do think of how romantic it would be to have someone so genuinely sure that they love me, that they would stand in the cold playing our song and beckon me outside to dance with them. There is a part of me that wonders why it is that no one has ever fought for me. No one has ever been so in love with me that they would plan something so elaborate in hopes to capture my heart. Maybe it just isn’t true. Maybe it doesn’t happen. I think seeing how kind and sweet JC is made me believe that perhaps that kind of love really was out there. I had this dream the other night of it being Christmas Eve and him pulling up outside of my sister's house, playing “Die a Happy Man” from the car radio and asking me to dance with him in the snow, finally ready for us to be together. I know things like that don’t really happen but oh what a sweet dream it was. Maybe that’s why I am so sad today – being now awake and realizing that it’s all in my head, that he doesn’t want me or want us. That it isn’t just a need for him to finish this training or learn how to let someone care for him. I need to come to terms with the fact that it’s me that he doesn’t want. That what we shared is over and I need to let it go. I need to stop hoping. I just need to be grateful that I somehow learned to open my heart and hopefully one day I will be brave enough to try again.
You often hear the statement that hindsight is 20/20 - today this feels true to me. It's Day 19 of the Challenge and I have spent over 20 hours on my mat in the past three weeks. Every muscle in my body both hurts and feels great at the same time. My find feels clearer yet still a bit blurry. It's hard to believe that the month of November has almost already passed. Lately, I've been pondering the idea of 'perspective' and how sometimes you have to step back from something in order to see it more clearly.
In looking at all of this I realize that yes, we did go from “are we dating?” to a “couple” quickly due to J’s first accident. It was what, less than a week from our first kiss to me tending his wounds? We easily fell into a duo roll when he needed help after being hurt and when trying to get ready for Gma’s party. It seemed to steamroll after that and I think on both of our parts. As much as we tried to keep going slow they naturally progressed and we are both to blame for that. I held back my questions and tried to keep things peripheral so as not to push him or put pressure on. I think back and miss those nights during the first few months of just sitting on the couch talking, telling stories and getting to know each other deeper. It’s felt like the beginning again over the past few weeks and a part of me wishes that it means we can start again. That we could go back to the days of learning more about the other's hopes and dreams - hearing their story. Can we go back to going slow? Is that even an option or has he moved on?
Maybe I need to stop fooling myself and accept that there could be someone else that he desires. Maybe there is another person who he’d rather wake up next to or someone who makes him happier than I did. Someone who is more serious or less quirky; more graceful and less clumsy. Maybe I just wasn’t enough or maybe I was too much. Maybe I never will be either. All I know is I can only be me. I spent way too many years compromising myself and sacrificing what I wanted thinking that it didn’t matter. I want someone who would proudly share that they are with me – someone who wants to walk into a party with me on their arm. Someone who wants to tell everyone that I am 'his girl'. I want someone who appreciates that if I love you, it’s with all my heart. As hard as it may be to accept now, I need perspective and reality over romantic wishes. I need to appreciate the value of what I have learned through opening my heart again and move forward.
I made it back to Sunday family dinner this past weekend – admittedly I have not been able to face them after this breakup. Bringing JC into our family was a big thing for me – I haven’t brought anyone I dated home since, well Tim and that was 16 years ago! Over the past six years, I have barely even told anyone in my family when I was even dating. I certainly haven’t allowed them to see that I had fallen for someone. There aren’t many boundaries in our family so I knew questions would be many and I just didn’t really have the answers, nor could I talk about it without crying so I just avoided the situation. I do love how protective they all are, I guess that I partially why I’ve always been so guarded with matters of the heart. They only met him the few times but they fell for JC too – I think seeing me happy again filled all their hearts with joy. They wanted to welcome him into our family. They wanted to love him too.
Looking back I see what I would have done differently if I now had the chance. But I also know that how things unfolded was authentic to what I felt in that moment. Maybe I do just have to step back and let go and accept that this wasn’t my Say Anything kind of love. I need to be grateful that, for the first time in many years, I opened my heart in a true and vulnerable kind of way. It may feel broken now but eventually it will feel even stronger. I may have fallen but I will rise again. There may be days where a song brings me back to tears and that’s ok too. Because the only way to find love is to open my heart and as much as I say I will never do this again, deep down I know I will. In time, that perspective will set in.