Tonight in Yin I thought about forgiveness and how quickly I am able to look past things in other people and yet I am so hard on myself. I realize that I need to let go of this feeling of unworthiness or failure and realize that this was my choice. Months ago in Kent's moksha 60 class was when I made the conscious decision to accept my own fears and open my heart. I knew that by doing so I was allowing for the possibility of having my heart broken again. I decided that I was committed to allowing love into my life again. I made the choice to reveal myself and all my imperfections to JC and jump in because you can't allow love to happen if you are always holding back. Perhaps that is where I went wrong - seeing as I am the one now missing him and wondering if all those great moments were only happy to me. We are imperfect people just trying to find a partner whose imperfections balance ours. I knew that there was a possibility that forever wouldn't be in the cards for us but I was still willing to try. I made the decision not to let my fear trump my ideal that love would be worth it. When I love someone, I love hard. That person will always mean something to me, even if we're no longer together and JC is no exception to that. When I decided not to let fear get in the way, I promised to give it my all, to be my true self and to care for him as though we could last forever. Perhaps I should have been more guarded but it was so lovely to think positive and look forward to more moments together.
I've been very hard on myself the past two weeks - wondering where I went wrong or what it was about me that he couldn't love. I've missed the simplest things like making him laugh or feeling his arm reach back to pull me closer while we slept. I am trying to accept that even if they didn't mean the same to him, that all the little things I cherish from our time together can still be happy memories. As much as I would love to know what parts of our time together warmed his heart, I accept that I probably will never hear them from him.
I realize that I want someone who is proud to be with me. I don't need grand gestures or fancy gifts or love shouted from the rooftops but I do want someone who proudly tells those in his life that I am his girl. Learning that people he rides with 2-3 times a week had no clue I existed, to the point that one of the girls actually thought that they had some sort of connection, makes me realize that even if I was all in, he had one foot out. So I forgive myself for again, believing that this happiness was two-sided when in fact, it could have only been me. I forgive myself for allowing my heart to be broken again. Forgiveness for allowing my family to welcome him and want to love him too, only to be turned down. And to be honest I forgive him for not letting me fully in, because I believe that none of this was done with malice intention.
My fortune from dinner last weekend was "Tell the people that you love, that you do" and I hope that I will continue to keep my heart open because I'd rather love and lose than never love at all. I realize that even if JC isn't meant to me mine forever I am hopeful that, at the very least, after our time together he can see that he deserves love. That as much as it's possibly hard to accept, that he actually deserves to be cared for and not always the one responsible for everyone else. Sometimes love isn't logical or an equation that can be rationalized. Sometimes, someone just makes you happy, challenges you to grow and loves you for your heart.
So here we are on day four of the challenge and I am beginning to feel more at peace knowing that perhaps I love a little too hard and I maybe give of myself a little too much but in the end, I would much rather the people in my life be certain of my love for them than anything else. Perhaps a part of attaining peace begins with both forgiveness and gratitude. Maybe we all have to take a bit of time to forgive ourselves and love ourselves in order to allow others to care for us. I keep trying to look at all of this with gratitude because this was the first non-toxic relationship that has truly made me happy in well, a very long time. With JC I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to learn about things that made his mind tick, I wanted to share adventures and experiences. I am grateful for how safe I felt in his arms and how at home I felt in his space. I suppose I really could have missed all the heartache but then, I'd have had to miss "the dance" and that was the very best part of it all.