14 November 2016

Supermoon & no sleep

No matter how tired I am, during the full moon phase this gal never gets a good nights sleep. The past few nights I have been in bed, exhausted by 9:30pm but then my brain starts racing. I try to listen to music, I try to write, I put on a movie on my ipad so I have something to consciously block out and fall asleep to... None of it worked last night.  It's not even noon and I would give anything to close the door to my area and put my head on my desk for a quick nap. This is perhaps my disclaimer for this post - it may not make sense but I just need to start to write to clear my mind. 

Today is the 10th day of the 21 Day Challenge - my body feels tired and my heart hurts today.  I am trying very hard to stay present however it's not coming easy.  Today I feel sad and I want to hear JC's voice say it's all ok as he wraps his arms around me.  Today I miss him and I miss us but I am hoping that by acknowledging it, I can let it go.   I suppose that this too will fade as more time passes by.  But today he's who I still want.  Today the hurt part of me wants to say that I am never going to open up to anyone again because this uncoupling part sucks too much. The letting go and trying not to have false hopes is hard.  Accepting that he doesn't miss me or us is hardest of all. Today is just a hard day and I don't want to face it on my own. 

Eight years ago my life changed - losing my oldest friend whom I have forever referred to as my brother. Iain has literally been in my life since we were born - every summer vacation, every birthday, every event in our lives were spent together.  We were obsessed with dinosaurs and the planets - every Sunday I think we begged our parents to take us to Cranbrook.  Our camping adventures always included a dinosaur dig and constantly looking for fossils in the rocks.  I paved the way with Bob & Claudia when it came to University antics lol - every Sunday dinner spent recounting the week's activities. He loved being a dad to Emma and would often just gush through our phone calls about how great parenthood was.  Hearing my dad say the words "Iain died" had me in disbelief.  He was 28 years old - he must be mistaken.  I remember standing at the back of the room frozen, unable to go to his casket until Claudia literally dragged me by the hand saying that we would do it together.  

I've tried to take something out of this tragedy in order to move forward - in hopes that by learning from this experience, would make it less in vain.  Our family began to always say I Love You after losing Iain - phone calls, texts, in person - we decided to love big because life can truly change in an instant.  I never want anyone in my life to ever question if my love for them was real. Wherever I go, I do go with all my heart.  I suppose part of that is also the reason for my tradition of New Years Notes - taking that time to reach out to people who impacted my life that year in order to tell them just how much they mean to me. It's what I asked everyone to do today to honour him - to take a moment to tell someone in their life just why they are great and how they are loved. Today me meditation app noted that the "biggest obstacle to headspace is wanting things to be different than they are."  So, in my effort to move forward and accept that things did not work out I need to accept that we wanted different things. There's a possibility that maybe he wants someone else. I need to let go of that feeling of safety and comfort that I had laying next to him and find it within myself because as much as I want things to be differently, I need to accept that they are over.  I need to heal my heart, remember all the things I have learned from this and stay open to loving someone again.  I refuse to let the fear come back in.  I can only love the way that I know how to - it may be big and a little all over the place but that is me.  I've come a long way to get to right here and even if this relationship didn't go where I thought it would, I am grateful that I didn't hold back and that I took the chance on love again.  Every person, every moment is a lesson and all we can do is accept them for what they are and keep moving forward.  

Living each day to the fullest and loving with all my heart is the least I can do to honour Iain's memory.  So brother, wherever you may be I hope that you are with Mr. Ron and that you can feel our love still living for you.  When it's dark, I try to find you in the stars shining down on us. I see you in Emma's smile. My heart will always have space for you.  There will never be a time that I see a dinosaur without thinking about you and a smile will grace my heart remembering you.  xo 

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