29 December 2016

Finding my "word"....

Over the past few years, I have begun a tradition of choosing a word that I envision for the coming year ahead.  It is a word that I want to use as my focus and something to come back to in the event that I stumble upon my way. Last year my word was "CONTENTMENT" and it was definitely my intention for 2016.  I found myself coming back to it again and again, as things inevitably go out of focus.  I strived to be content in each moment - to stay present and enjoy the journey rather than only the destination.  There were times that it eluded me and times I got swept up in the romantic notions of what the future may hold.  But in retrospect, I do feel as though I was able to feel contentment for most of this year that now comes to a close. 

And so, with the 2017 year nearly upon us, it is that time to choose a new word to move forward with.  I've been thinking of a few and thinking of what I want this year to hold for me in order to narrow down the list. What keeps coming to me is the word COURAGE.  I have admittedly been afraid, especially after going through so much change this past decade or so.  I think what I have learned this year has brought me to the point where I feel ready to have courage.  

Closing the store is the last official tie I had to my previous life - it is the store that I opened with Tim, in the hopes to have a family and live "happily ever after." It is what I came home to when I returned to Canada. The past few years have been about so much change both personally and professionally, that by closing this chapter I have allowed for the space to bring in new beginnings.  In the moments where I felt as though I was stumbling and not where I thought I should be, I now feel as though I am returning to some of my original dreams.  

I have been trying to answer these 25 end of the year reflection questions a friend at work gave to me and there were a few that it took me quite a bit of time to answer.  The first question was "What is the best thing that you did this year?" - seemingly easy but no.  What could I actually quantify as the BEST thing? I read through my journals, I opened my Gratitude Jar and I relived most of this year in order to come to that answer.  And what I have decided is that the best thing I did this year was allow myself to fall in love with a great man.  He may not get to be my man forever, but by loving him I learned so much about myself and about what I want my life to be.  I have guarded my heart so closely over the past few years - even at the times when I thought I was letting love in. In retrospect, I can see how I let the same toxic man into my life over and over again.  I realized what love is by loving JC and I have come to terms with knowing that T and I didn't share true love.  That was a very big lesson to learn.  So as scary as it was and even though it ended beyond my wishes, opening my heart to love this year was by far the best thing I could have done for myself.  I have learned that it is my life mission to love, how wonderful and freeing a discovery that has been.  

The year 2017 is a "1" year in numerology and bids us all to start something new - it is about new initiatives and beginnings.  I look at the coming year hopeful for all the possibility that lay before us.  Building on the word contentment from last year and the word love from the year before that, I look ahead with courage because new beginnings are often scary.  I strive to Be Brave and live an authentic life to honour our dear Allie Sunshine, who live on in us all. I want to be courageous to start a new career, to purchase myself a new(er) car, to allow this new chapter to unfold and remain present to appreciate each day.  As I allow my heart to heal, I will learn to make space for love to come again, now that I know what it is that I am looking for and the kind of love I learned was actually possible.  The last few days of this year are about closure and completion and then we begin again. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and so I will do my best to find courage every day to try something new, to do something that scares me, that pushes me and that allows me to grow.  I strive for the courage to be myself and to be content with all that I am, knowing that in time, the person I am meant to share my life with is going to love me for all of me.  Looking forward, staying present and being my own true self. xo

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