13 December 2016

I suck at goodbye....

It's true.... I totally suck at saying goodbye. I am not good at all at letting go.  But here I am... 

There has been a lot of introspection over the past while - a part of me started to say weeks but really, it's been exponentially longer than that.  I feel like much of the past 6 years have been about looking inside, digging deep and beginning again.   To be honest, I feel very grateful for all the ups and downs of the past few years because it is in that time that I have truly found myself.

The intention in yoga last night was to remember, without pressure there would be no diamond and without mud there would be no lotus.  Without so much struggle and change, there would in effect be no Lindsay.  I am who I am because of all I have endured.  I am me because of all I have learned, all I have worked through and all that I have struggled against.  Sarah's intention the other night was about perhaps not always needing to let go - to realize that it's not a black and white instance of just cutting things off, but perhaps we need to look at it as "softening our grip." That there is a lot that we have to process and learn from and it's not as simple as just letting it go.  Maybe by just softening around something, we can take those lessons in our own time and allow it to lead our growth.  

I cried in yin tonight because I felt truly grateful for all that this year has brought to me - as hard as some things are to let go of, I am so blessed to have had them.  I remember as part of Gram's eulogy, the words of "how lucky I have have been to have loved something so much, that it makes saying goodbye so hard."  I finally feel at peace with knowing that yes, JC was who my heart was waiting for because I needed to finally love someone who was good for me.  I needed to open my heart to a wonderful, kind man.  I needed to know that my heart, battered and bruised, had the actual capacity to love again.  How lucky am I to find that loving was still there within me? I am so grateful. 

When I decided to close my store, my initial announcement was set for December 1st however here we are Dec 13th and I've finally had the courage to make this real.  I'm slightly over-whelmed by the love and well wishes I've been receiving - it's been quite the battle of head vs. heart to get to this very moment.  It has been a decade of learning and now as it comes to a close, I look forward with great anticipation.  I am confident that there is a whole wonderful future ahead of me.  For the first time, in quite some time, I realize that it is the future that I deserve.  I need to make room for all the wonderful success and love that wants to come into my life.  

I think I am also ok with sucking at good-byes because loving just a little more than the average person is who I am and after many years of soul searching, I am at a place where I truly love me.  I finally believe that after all the years of strife and struggles, that I am making space for love, for success, and for contentment.  Every ending is another beginning so as I say good-bye, I also say hello.  Hello to new possibilities, new lessons, pushing to new limits.  This may be the end to a decade in my life, but I am ready and excited to see what comes out of the next one! 

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