11 December 2016

Vision Board

So I'm working on a new vision board for 2017 and trying to think of what my word will be for the coming year.  2016 was CONTENTMENT but I've yet to decide on what next year's word will be as of yet.  I decided not to create a whole new board but to take parts of last years and add to it.  There is so much that is still the same in what I search for; health, happiness, love.  I've kept the notes from friends that lift me up and added words like Courage and Faith.  

In going through stacks of magazines I stumbled upon the journal that I took with me on our trip to Chicago - the words I wrote while I sipped coffee in the early morning before JC awoke.  Reading them now, they almost break my heart.  It's so hard to think that just a few months ago everything seemed like it fit.  I wrote about all these little moments that I just cherished - reading on the plane and he turned toward me to rest his head on my shoulder and close his eyes, cruising the Chicago river in the sunshine with his arm around me, laughing in Target as someone facetimed his wife about which tampons to buy and I promised JC that I would never make him do that! On our first trip together, I imagined so many more in our future. 

One morning, I actually wrote the words that "I am afraid if I allow myself to fall in love with him, that he will leave me" but then as we did yoga under the stars I decided then and there to let go of that fear.  I felt like over all these years, my heart was waiting for him.  That trip was the first time I said the word 'girlfriend' and it felt so great to finally take that step.  And now, it's over.  I did fall in love and he did leave me.  It makes me sad because I truly felt like it was real.  And it makes me sad because I have to accept that it's what he wants and I'm not who he wants.  I have to be grateful for those few moments made me believe in love again and for the picture of us where we are just laughing and being our silly selves.

As I look toward the coming year, I want courage.  I want the courage to try again and to open my heart to love again even though I know it can hurt.  I want to be brave and go for things that push me and that make me grow into a better person.  I want to be brave enough to share my love and my heart with others.  I want the courage to share all my thoughts with someone and let them see the real me.  The girl who notices and cherishes all the little things the most.  The girl who is about to bundle up to go twirling around in the fresh snow falling. Life does happen FOR us and even though reading these entries bring me tears because I'm sad that we're over, I want to be hopeful that by taking this chance it will lead me to where I need to be to find contentment.  By loving him my heart has grown and my heart has seen a new kind of man who is lovely and kind.  By loving him I now know that it's worth the risk - even on days like today where there are few lonely tears.  I will never regret any moment that we shared together - I am thankful.

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