Here's the gist of it... someone I loved offended me back in March and I never addressed it. At first I thought that I was being silly and over-reacting so I didn't say anything but as time went on, more and more things kept coming forward that illustrated just how this person's actions were making me feel sad and horrible. One thing I've learned in my 39 (yelp) years here is that I am not one that deals well with confrontation. I tend to take my time to process it, come to terms and let it go - sometimes addressing it and other
Any of you (yes of the 5 of you people actually reading this) who read my earlier post about taking the leap, here is some background to the story. It began with hours of great conversation on my back porch (hmmm ok technically it began 25 years ago when we first became friends but THIS story begins here). So here we are on the porch, which is pretty much where I spend 80% of my waking hours at home from March through November. A few ciders in and our discussion begins to be about this journey we call life. We are a product of our experiences but that doesn't have to meant that they define us. All of our experiences, both good and bad, have propelled us to the person we are today. Our paths aren't straight lines - they zig zag all over the gosh darn place - but the path is the purpose.
We also don't have to define ourselves by our pasts, by our occupations or anything. You can continually redefine yourself and grow from every circumstance. I see myself as a single woman, not a divorced woman. That time in my life has changed me, most definitely, but it does not define who I am. I no longer look at it as a failure but as a stepping stone to knowing who I am as an individual. This will consequently make me a better half of a partnership in future relationships. Often people coast through life - one of my next posts will touch on this. Are we truly happy with our lives or complacent because it's good enough. Is there anything wrong with that way of thinking? Do those who are simply content where they are live any less of a life than those who are constantly searching? Some people redefine themselves on the regular and others are content with never having to change. It has taken me a long while to get to the point where I am happy with each of these opportunities to further become myself. It's take a lot of soul searched to realize that my life being different than those I am closest to does not deem it "less than."
One of the things I miss most from a relationship is conversation. The ability to just open my mouth and let all these random ideas blurt out (hence why y'all have to put up with my musings). So it was nice to move from my porch to one of the neighbourhood restaurants and continue laughing and talking. We each enjoyed the loveliest glass of Pinot Noir that we later realized was the ridiculous price of $23/glass so it was on the cheap Tavern down the road. The rest of the evening may get a little blurry.... Fast forward to the next morning back out on the porch but this time with my favourite Saturday treat of French Press coffee and more shared stories. And this is where I may have finally decided that I found someone whom I'd like to keep conversing with, whether that be as a great friend or more. It makes me think a lot about what I want in a partner and being able to freely speak my mind and talk about things is a big thing. I don't know that I've ever felt completely comfortable being myself - perhaps part of this has come with age and acceptance that this is who I am. I want to stop apologizing for over-sharing my feelings at times and I want to not feel guilty for the moments I hold my heart super close. I have accepted that what I once thought was meant to be, was a stepping stone and by finally letting go now I am open to what comes next. I know more than ever that I am enough. That what makes me me is pretty darn great.