12 January 2017

Big Love

2 years ago this week we said our final good-bye to Allie - it's hard to comprehend how quickly that time has flown by.  I remember each moment of her funeral services like it were yesterday, as I'm sure most of us do.

I remember listening to Jeremy speak during prayers and thinking to myself how amazing the kind of love they shared was and what a gift each of them gave the other in choosing to love big every day that they had together.  I knew then, that was the the kind of love I wanted in my life.  It made me see more clearly just how lacking in love my relationship with Tim really was.  I could never imagine him getting up and saying anything nice about me.  I certainly never remembered a moment where he pledged his love to me.  He didn't even write his own vows to me - instead he texted me from a night out with the boys and asking if I would write what he had to say.  Why? Why did I live in such oblivion that love should be more than that?  From the moment they met Jeremy knew she was sick and that did not deter him one bit from loving her with his whole heart.  
Standing there at her funeral, hand in hand with Christie and trying to sing You Are My Sunshine was such a profound experience. Never have I left a funeral service so motivated to do good in this world and so optimistic that what I do in my life.  It was there that I made the conscious decision that I wanted my life to be about Big Love.  I've always had the kind of heart that sees people for who they are deep down, that forgives easily, and that doesn't ask for big displays of affection in return.  I decided to choose to be my best self every day to honour her.  We all had the words "Be Brave" inked on to our skin because it was the one tattoo that she wanted for herself and because it was the two words she said to herself daily. 

There is so much that she taught us, not only in her dying but in her living every day.  This week on my mat I have been thinking a lot about my own feeling of bravery and how there are still those days where I have to recite the words "You Are Enough."  I realize that there will always be those moments when we feel our weakest, when we question our strength, tenacity or bravery. There will be the times that we question if we are in fact enough.  I acknowledge that sometimes it's hard to accept or believe that we deserve the big love.  It is being present in those moments that allows us to remember that bravery is always within us.  Like the arrow, we need to be pulled back in order to move ahead.  We need to forgive ourselves for our missteps, to be kind to ourselves in the the times we reach out for support and know that no matter how overwhelming things may feel, that within each of us like an invincible summer.  

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