14 February 2017

alis volat propriis

Six years and 34 steps ago.  I stood at the bottom of the staircase unable to really breathe, as I was holding back both tears and vomit.  I stood there scared out of my fucking mind that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.  I was so unsure of myself.  I questioned if I was actually brave enough to do this.  I was unsure that I had enough strength to climb each of those stairs to the security check-point in International Departures. I had just checked all my treasured possessions packed in three luggage and a pet carrier (Ruby).  I was about to say good-bye to a life, knowing I'd likely never return.  I took a taxi to the airport all on my own, determined to fly by my own wings.

I'd like to say that it was the day I confidently chose to love myself first.  That it was some empowering day of spreading my wings and saying goodbye.   In reality when I got to the top of those stairs I had a panic attack and I frantically called Tim to see if I should really walk through those doors of security or if he changed his mind and wanted to plead with me to stay. Obviously we know there was no such gesture of love and devotion and onward I went. It was the worst flight of my entire life - with so much turbulence and nose-diving that I actually held the stranger's hand sitting next to me.  Looking back it's oddly telling of how I was feeling that day.  I've struggled with feeling like it wasn't really my choice but the choice that I did make was to leave with grace and dignity.  (Minus of course the 5 minutes I melted down before security.)  Through it all I never yelled, I never fought.  I calmed asked if this was it or if there was any way to work through it, though deep down I knew that I would never be able to trust him again after knowing all the deceit.  I could have fought but it would have been for money or possessions and I valued my peace more.   

Six years ago, being in the air, away from all things lovey-dovey and Valentines seemed like the best day to leave my husband.   In hindsight I recognize that it really just adds to the amount that I dislike this holiday. It's a giant red and pink, glittery, flashing reminder of that day and the end to that chapter in my life.   Truth be told I've never been much of a Valentines Day fan... I just believe that really every day should be when we do nice things for the people that we love.  But this year, which I believe is a year of beginnings, I take this day as a reminder of being able to find within me, some sort of invincible summer.  That after every heartbreak, there is an invincible love.  And that even with moments where I have questioned my bravery, I know that through it all there is a better, stronger me that has resulted.  This year I celebrate me and a milestone birthday.  I celebrate all that I have endured and risen from. I celebrate that every ending will become a beginning because I choose to believe.  I celebrate all the love that surrounds me knowing that I am making space for even more to come in.  I am proud that in the moments where I felt fear, I didn't walk away.  I rose to it. There will always be moments in our life that scare the living shit out of us.  Sometimes they are quite happy moments - like when you feel like you are falling for someone and you're not quite sure if you are ready to put your heart on the line.  In all of these moments, it is our choice to jump in or back away; to choose fear or to choose hope. Just remember, it is usually in those moments where we are on the brink of something amazing and we have to trust that our wings will carry us.  We have to believe that love & hope trump fear. xo 

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