06 February 2017

blessings

On my way home from work I stopped at the graveyard to talk to my dad - his official name plate finally was installed which was nice but it was weird to see both my parents name there.  It's still hard for me to believe sometimes that he is really gone.  I still expect him to come lumbering up the stairs when I get to their house.  I still hear his voice say "Yeah Linds" or "Hey kid" when I'm there in that space.  Sometimes like tonight when I just want to talk to him and it hits that he's really gone.  Not that it stopped me because I just sat there on the ground in front of him and hoped that some how he could hear me.  But what I wouldn't give to be able to wrap my arms around him and lean in for one of those giant bear hugs.  

We spent the night at the funeral home tonight - paying our respects to Alissia's Nonna who passed last week.  Sometimes like tonight it hits me just how lucky I am to have such wonderful family and friends.  All of our parents are able to visit with each other and watch all of us and how we carry each other through times like this.  From Mary's dad teasing me and reminding me of how I'll always be the bad influence to his girl, to my mom sitting with Christie and chatting away. The fact that we can all so easily get along with and care for our families and the families of those who are a part of our lives reminds me that this isn't a blessing that everyone gets to experience.  To know that our lives have intersected so closely warms my heart so much and I realize that even in the moments where I may feel lonely I am surrounded by love and for that I am more than grateful. 

They love the real me.  The broken me, the confused me, the one that loves a little too much and laughs a little too loudly.  We love each other without judgement and with a fierceness that is second to none.  These are the people who make my life so much brighter and even in the darkest moments like losing a loved one, we come together and stand side-by-side in support.  It goes without question that we will all just show up and be there as one.  They make my life better.  They make me a better person.  They make my heart feel so very full.  I know I've been struggling with changes and then there are nights like tonight where I can spend hours with them, letting every guard down and being my true self and I finally feel like as much as letting go is breaking my heart, these girls will always hold me up.  Tonight I count them in my blessings and remember just how full my life truly is.  xo 

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