11 July 2017

the best is yet to come...

A long drive to the cottage, paired with sitting in traffic stand-stills in both directions, gives a gal lot of time to think.  Lately, I've been really thinking about my word for this year and what it means to me.  My "Year of 40" list was created thinking of not only adventures that I've always wanted to do, but thinking of things that make me live out "courage".  In creating it, I began thinking of the concept of "going over the hill," and how that was supposed to symbolize that you are at the half way point of your life. What things have I always wanted to do and haven't yet experienced? Can I be more courageous? Can I push myself out of my comfort zone? 

Most likely the one on the list that scares me the most is #5 "Say I Love You to someone".  It's not about the simple words of that statement because obviously words are easy, but it is the action of trusting myself again to allow love in.  Having the courage to distinctly remember how much heartbreak hurts but to stay open anyways.  Courage to allow someone to see the real me may be the hardest of all.  I've been scared to let potential mates inside for fear of either not being enough, or being too much.

I think of courage in way that recognizes that relationships involve putting ourselves on the line and opening up to the most vulnerable complexities of our insides, hoping that the person we are trusting our heart to, holds it as gentle as we do.  For a lot of years I have wondered if I deserved the kind of love that others have.  I've doubted my own capacity for it.  Coming into this fortieth year I finally feel confident in that all who have graced my path of love thus far have been stepping stones.  I have complete faith that my life is meant to be shared with someone and that he is lurking just around the corner.  It is with this new chapter of my life where I have come to love myself more than I ever have.   If you would have asked me a few years ago if I would have imagined that this year would hold such significance for me., I likely would have said no.  I most likely would have anticipated that turning 40 would be hard and lonely feeling.  But the fact that I am looking forward to celebrating this milestone has kind of crept out of the woodwork and surprised me. The last decade has been one of change for me. There have been many goodbyes, changes, and new beginnings.  

Something I read today stated "we hurt, so we can grow" which I find interesting ... and true. The human body is an expert at healing & regenerating and nothing does that more so than our proverbial hearts.  I am no stranger to hurt.  I am ready to grow.  I am thankful for the chance to grow.  Living to celebrate forty turns around the sun isn't something that everyone gets to experience.  It's not lost on me that my father died early - living only 26 years beyond this 40th milestone.  I takes my breath away to think that our time is so limited here on this earth and I am yet again reminded to take chances, to live every moment and to love as big as we possibly can.  

Taking risks isn't easy.  It's hard to leap. Especially when there are others depending on you.  One of my dearest friends is at a crossroads and considering an significant life change to follow a dream.  Deliberately choosing change for your life is probably one of the scariest things to do because you are responsible for it.  It's easy to make a career shift if you've been laid off and the change is necessary.  It's easier to move when you've outgrown your home or it's outgrown you.  But to be in something safe and secure and choose yourself above everything else isn't easy.  And as the quotes says, it could very well not work out but my gosh if it does, it truly could be the best and most rewarding adventure ever.  I choose to believe that that which we go after with our whole hearts, is truly how we will grow. 

And we can apply this to most things in our lives - relationships, location, career.  There are no guarantees but we will definitely never succeed if we don't try.  "That which we manifest is before us," as Enzo says in The Art of Racing in the Rain.  "There is no dishonour in losing.  There is only dishonour in not racing because you are afraid to lose." We cannot let fear stop up.  We cannot let the possibility of losing keep us from trying because we will certainly never win if we never try. So I shared this quote with her today in hopes that she will always know that I am there behind her in support of the "leaps" in life.  The two of us share the words "be brave" inked on our skin and I know deep down in my heart that her pursuit of this new path will be successful.  Not only because it will bring her not only monetary reward, but because of the self-accomplishment, pride and growth that is sure to happen.  The best parts are in the journey through. If in the end it doesn't work, there will be a new path.  But the moments that she lived her dream will be the best adventure ever.  

For myself, I am taking this quote to heart in that I feel as though I have finally come to the point that my heart feels ready to welcome love again.  I am ready for that next adventure. I can take the lessons that I learned from my relationship with JC and appreciate that I now know to always trust my own instinct (a post for another day!). I can finally see someone in front of me that I can imagine sharing life with.  I can imagine late night whispered conversations and quiet Sunday afternoons.  I don't know yet what will be or what these feelings mean but all that matters is that I finally feel at peace in my heart and looking forward.  Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever..... xo 

05 July 2017

no words....

There are approximately 8 posts sitting here in my draft folder - partially written, thoughts all over the place.  They are about both wonderful & challenging snippets of my life that have happened over the past eight weeks.  The moments in them are happy, thankful, and contemplative, though at times also confused.  For one of the first times in my life, I have had writers block, or at least that is what I have self-diagnosed my inability to complete a written thought. I don't know how to explain it really - sometimes, when the words in my head are too many, sometimes there aren't enough, or I can't seem to get them out and then I lose focus.  I've had the worst pain in my neck since April and after a very lovely Reiki treatment, Sarah asked me if I've been holding something back, and the answer is yes I have words that are stuck in my throat.  I don't know where the best place is to start, except that my goal every day is simply to remain present so that is where I will attempt to begin.  Here & now.  What is on my mind and in my heart today? I shall go forward from here.  (My apologies in advance for any onslaught of completed posts).

We've just passed the midway point to the year and last night in yin, my mind went to reflecting on this.  Am I "living" my word for 2017? Am I in fact being courageous and stepping outside of my comfort zone? Am I crossing things off my 'forty in the year of 40' list? Am I looking at my vision board and manifesting what I want into my life? It's the check in point and I'm asking myself where I am at.  Seems the perfect place to pick up where I have left off in the past few months of writers block.  Have I been lacking courage by not actually allowing what I've been feeling to materialize into words? Until they are written, are they in fact true? 

The ironic thing to me is that over the last few weeks, when I have struggled to focus, I've had a few friends who have comment to me that I have inspired them.  For the life of me I can't see how.  To be completely honest, I sometimes lie on my mat each night and wonder how I got through the day. I can't even fathom how I have affected others in such a positive light.  There have been moments in the past few months where I felt like I was barely holding on, seeking inspiration more than I think giving it.  Perception is an interesting beast - where we see ourselves may not always equate to how others do.  

So here we are already in July and I spent some time with my "list" today making revisions to ensure that what I am including are things that challenge me, move me forward and are an example of my word for the year. OK, let's be honest some things are also completely random and just for fun but that is what life is about right?! To date, I've only crossed off 5 so I've got a bit of work to do.  But I can't stay stuck - I need to let go of these past few months of smog and jump back into my life.  It's ok to stumble, but you have to get back up.  So.... here I am, getting back up and to keep myself accountable I'm sharing my list with others (slightly revised from v1).  Here we go..... 

Yoga under the stars 
Chicago Architecture Boat Tour 
Ride on a motorcycle
Have something published 
Say I Love You 
Climb a mountain 
Visit a new province 
Sleep under the stars (in a tent!) 
Try Korean Food 
Learn proper Italian 
Go on a Yoga Retreat 
Watch Star Wars 
Go on an impromptu road trip 
Visit a Cider Mill for a tasting  
Learn to write my name in Calligraphy 
Learn how to curl my hair 
Take a roll of pictures with Dad's camera 
Ride in a helicopter 
Make a retirement plan  
Read Little Women
Open bubbly on a weeknight 
Hold a headstand & handstand for three full breaths 
Bungee jump/sky dive/zip line
Sew a dress for myself 
See live ballet/Cirque/Rockettes
Take a spa day 
Travel solo & stay in a hostel 
Go to a Drive-In movie 
Skinny Dip 
Do something that scares me
Host a dinner party & use my "good plates" 
Learn an instrument
Perform in front of people
Train for something  
Go on a picnic 
Ice Skate on an outdoor pond 
Get my arrow tattoo & finish Dad's
Try surfing 
Buy a car for myself
Attend a live outdoor concert